Question
I am approaching retirement and would be looking forward to it except my husband seems to be suffering from a late mid-life crisis and I am not sure how to manage it.
Essentially, he wants to sell our house, buy an RV and go travel the world. He says that he has worked hard all his life and now deserves the time to travel that he did not have the opportunity to do in his early life. He has been retired for two years and has been waiting for me to retire also so that this plan can be realised.
I’ve never had the heart to contradict him, as he had a tough upbringing, and he really deserves to have some positivity in his life. His dad died young, and he went to work at 17 and supported his mum and two younger sisters until they finished their education. He took care of his mum (actually, we took care of her) until her death five years ago, and for the first time in his life he feels free to make any choices he wants.
The problem is that my idea of enjoying ourselves is totally different from his. I absolutely hate caravans and cannot imagine anything more horrifying than giving up my home to spend it in a tight space without my familiar community and my garden. In comparison to him, I had a lovely upbringing with lots of support from my family and lots of travel and opportunities, so I have no need to go backpacking or to see the world. There is also the frightful notion that we will be in some foreign country when health issues arise, and we have no access to real care.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
My husband is well right now, but heart problems run in his family and the men in his family all died young. We have no children so no wisdom can come from that direction and all my friends think it is completely mad that I might sell up and go. We have had a great marriage and I truly love him, but for the first time ever it seems that we have reached an impasse – what to do?
Answer
It is amazing that you two have gotten to the age you are without facing what seems to be an impassable conflict, so here are some guidelines. Before coming to any resolution, many conversations need to be had so that you do not end up in a win/lose situation.
Your relationship has coped with some very tough situations, eg caring for your husband’s mum, so the core of your relationship is strong and based on loyalty, generosity and selflessness. These are all excellent qualities, and it seems that, for the first time, you are facing difficulties due to personal preferences, and this is something that you have not faced together previously.
When we are in conflict, it always feels that there is only one of two solutions that can be found, while the truth is that there is the possibility of something new emerging if you both move away from your entrenched positions. It always only takes one person to move off their position (of righteousness) in order to open the situation up to creativity. When this happens, the other person can often soften their goal and gradually other options emerge. While you have not verbalised your opposition, you seem very clear that giving up your home for an RV is an absolute no for you and this is the starting point for any negotiation. You might start your conversations with your husband with an opening commitment, such as, “no matter what happens in this discussion, I am not leaving you” and this can create a safety net where you can both be more honest knowing that neither of you will pull the trigger on leaving the relationship.
[ ‘My husband’s weight has begun to affect my desire for him’Opens in new window ]
What might be useful is for you to fully understand his need for travel and not to have any ties. You are guessing that you know what his motivation is, but you could be missing a good part of the whole picture. So, ask questions, inquire more deeply and check with him that you have fully understood or if there is more to it. When he feels fully understood, he will be in a place to listen to you and your fears and concerns about the future (of course this assumes your ability to be fully honest and not try to soften your position for him).
Do not rush to achieve a conclusion, tell each other that you will both reflect and think about what has happened and organise to speak again and again. Discuss if you both think it is a good idea to choose a friend each to consult with. This means that there is no sense of betrayal, and it is good to talk things over with another person – as long as this person is neutral and open. You may come back with more questions or options, and you might both decide that you need more help with the conversation, eg, talking to a mediator, travel agent or pension adviser that could anchor the discussion in facts.
What seems important now is to have faith in your relationship, in the love you have for each other and in your capacity to find options that can be acceptable to both of you. Remember that out of conflict often comes the most unthought of possibilities, so engage with curiosity and an open mind and trust in your future together.
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