Dear Roe,
My husband has been masturbating with one of his male friends. I found out a week ago when his friend was over and I came down to get a glass of water. Initially my husband was very embarrassed and then very upset. His friend apologised and left. We agreed to sleep on it (alcohol had been taken and it was late). I was so baffled, I ended up having to comfort my husband. But since then I feel furious. The next morning, he insisted the whole thing was not a big deal and lots of men do this. He said he won’t ever do it again but he’s not committing to no longer seeing this friend. I don’t see how this can be a “typical guy thing”. My husband’s in his 30s and met this man a few years ago. It’s not like it’s teenage hormones. I have asked if he’s unhappy with our sex life. I always thought it was fine but I know it’s not the most frequent or exciting. He says it’s nothing to do with us, this was just for release. To me it feels like a betrayal. He had been meeting his friend almost every week, mostly at his friend’s place. I’d understood this as having a few drinks and hanging out. Now I’m thinking he always met his friend to do this, although he denies that. He says it’s happened a few times but won’t go into details. He says they don’t watch porn together. In a way I would have preferred they were. His friend is not attached. I think his friend is gay. My husband said it’s not something they talk about. I just keep thinking if it was me and my best friend, and I can’t wrap my head around it.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s completely understandable that finding your husband engaging in sexual activity with another person in your home would leave you feeling betrayed, hurt and deeply confused. You deserve to acknowledge and validate all your emotions – the hurt, anger and bewilderment you are feeling are all justified, and your husband’s dismissal of this as a “typical guy thing” is a harmful and deliberate attempt to minimise your feelings and his betrayal and breach of trust. Even if he believes it wasn’t a big deal, it is a big deal to you, and that alone makes it worth serious reflection.
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Simply put, if this was truly a harmless action, he would have told you about it. But he didn’t. He has been masturbating with another person and keeping it a secret because he knew that within the framework of your relationship, that would upset you and possibly constitute cheating. I don’t imagine he would be fine with you masturbating in the same room as another man, even if you claimed your relationship was platonic, would he? Of course not. He has betrayed your relationship and broken your trust – and his refusal to acknowledge his actions, discuss the specifics with you or limit his interactions with his friend in the aftermath of this are all a way of him refusing to acknowledge the impact his actions have had on you.
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I do want to note that some straight men do enjoy engaging in homoerotic or shared sexual activities with other men without seeing it as connected to their sexual orientation. Sexuality is fluid and multifaceted, and your husband’s actions don’t necessarily define his sexual identity. Some straight boys and teenagers experiment with masturbating in the same room and it’s not because they’re attracted to each other or indeed men generally. It can be an exploration of bodies, dominance, bonding or masturbation itself without being about an attraction to men. In adulthood, our culture actually allows for a lot of sexual charge in heterosexual male spaces and between straight men, whether it’s just talking or joking about sex, watching porn together, attending strip clubs, having threesomes that include other men and so on – so it is entirely possible that your husband is straight and was being truthful when he said he just considered it a release. (Here it could be helpful to consider how much leeway our culture gives to straight girls and women who might kiss or touch each other or experiment without it defining their sexuality.)
Or he could be heteroflexible or bisexual or have an attraction to men – that is also a possibility, but as with everyone, his sexuality is something only he can truly know and hopefully be honest about, so I don’t think speculation is particularly helpful. Similarly, I don’t think it’s particularly helpful to make definitive assumptions about his friend’s sexuality without any information.
I do suspect that he has some shame, embarrassment and guilt around his actions and it’s very possible he is scared of discussing how masturbating with another man could be interpreted or could reflect on him – which is why I think it will be very important for you to not speculate about his sexuality or make assumptions, as doing so may shut him down further. Your husband may not have the words or the self-awareness to fully explain why he did this, and that can be frustrating for you, especially since he seems unwilling to reflect deeply on it. But whether this is about his sexuality, about how he sees masculinity, or simply a choice he made without much analysis, what matters most is how it affects your relationship. It is thus important and absolutely valid to focus on is the betrayal, the secrecy, the disrespect and the lack of acknowledgment of your feelings.
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The fact that he concealed these meetings, which you understood as casual hangouts, could absolutely break your trust and cause you anxiety, particularly regarding his interactions with this friend. That’s completely understandable, and again, his secrecy implies he knew at some level that this crossed a boundary in your marriage.
If your husband genuinely wanted to rebuild your trust, he would be committed to transparency, honesty, a willingness to openly address the underlying issue and to making you feel safe as you try to rebuild trust in the relationship. But by refusing to be forthcoming with you, dismissing your feelings and refusing to put boundaries in place with this friend, he isn’t doing the work required to repair what he has broken.
I’d strongly encourage you to consider couples counselling, as a therapist can provide a safe space for you and your husband to navigate these complex emotions, explore the underlying issues and rebuild trust. I would recommend getting a counsellor who is queer, sex positive, or just someone who isn’t close-minded or going to pathologise your husband’s actions. It will be important to find someone who can create a safe space for you both to discuss this incident without judgment, in a way that is focused on creating open, honest communication between you. Individual therapy may also be beneficial for both of you to process your feelings and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the trust you once had. Remember, you are not responsible for your husband’s actions, and you deserve a relationship built on honesty, respect and mutual trust. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, set clear boundaries and prioritise your own wellbeing as you navigate this challenging situation.
