This time last year they were the children who stood out with their brand new, oversized uniforms, bulging school bags and a tendency to get lost in the corridors between classes; the newbies making that significant leap from primary to secondary school.
Their parents worried how they would cope with the longer day, new subjects, more homework and making new friends. Teachers watched for signs of anxiety and kept an eye on the ebb and flow of friendships.
Now, with first year behind them, second-year students can strut around with the newfound confidence of no longer being at the bottom of the school heap. And their parents, for the most part, wonder why they ever worried about them settling in.
But it’s no time for complacency. Second year is likely to be a bumpy journey as these emboldened but still immature teenagers test the boundaries, both in the classroom and at home.
Educationalists would contend that if you lose them in second year, you've lost them completely, says Betty McLaughlin, the new president of the Institute of Guidance Counsellors.
The novelty of secondary school has worn off and there is no State exam to concentrate their minds, so it can become a tug of wills.
Teachers of second-year classes generally agree that they are the most difficult group in the junior cycle to teach, as noted in an ESRI report, Pathways through the Junior Cycle. Deterioration in behaviour is noticeable, as is loss of interest in studies.
Parents, once their children have happily come through first year, may also take their eyes off the ball, McLaughlin suggests. “Even as teachers we expect them to have found their feet and we turn our attention to the newcomers.”
With the cutbacks in guidance counsellors, the emphasis has to be on first years and sixth years, and “the in between years are definitely suffering”, she adds.
Another guidance counsellor, Brian Wall, says it's "not quite right" to blame second year for issues that arise with teenagers at this time. It is more to do with a stage of adolescent development that often coincides with second year.
“For some, these problems start in first year because they are developing ahead of their peers; for others, the problems start in third year because their development is slightly behind their peers. For the vast majority, it occurs in second year.”
A guidance counsellor at St Mary’s College in Rathmines, Dublin, Wall says there are two transitions; first the one from primary to secondary and then from childhood to adolescence, which is the one they’re experiencing here.
“Second year is a fork in the road – and they can take the wrong turning,” he says.
So what can parents do to help keep their teenagers on the right track through second year and beyond? Here are some tips from McLaughlin, Wall and others who have worked with teenagers:
Relationship is key
“The strength of the relationship is ultimately the only real control you have over your child,” writes US therapist Dr William Glasser in his book
For Parents and Teenagers – Dissolving the Barrier Between You and Your Teen
.
Laying down the law may seem to work in the short term but it’s only a matter of time before it blows up in a parent’s face – as does trying to be their best friend. Far better to adopt an authoritative style of parenting.
You have rules, but these are explained and negotiated, with an emphasis on trust and independence, rather than a dogmatic “What I say goes.”
It’s important teenagers know where you stand on issues and that your relationship is at a level that they don’t do something because they know it would upset you, says Wall. That is key in avoiding early experimentation with drink and drugs: “They know their parents would be really disappointed.”
Prepare early
You don’t want to imagine adolescence when you’re playing around with your six year old but that’s when you’re laying the foundations for not only the relationship you will have in more turbulent times but also the house rules about manners, respect for others, use of technology, healthy eating, etc.
For example, it’s far easier to agree limits on the use of mobile phones and computers as they are brought into the house, rather than years later when they are distracting teenagers from their homework.
Children need to start separating from their parents in the teenage years but it can be a fraught period for the adults.
Wall describes it as “a very fine balance – a keeping of the emotional bond while at the same time giving them independence, gradually and slowly”.
According to psychotherapist Brendan Byrne, "It is a very natural development for teenagers to move away from their parents. Parents know that on one level but they don't accept it, really. There is still quite a bit of conflict."
Self-esteem workshops
Parents struggle with letting their teenagers out, agrees
Martina Newe
of Help Me to Parent, which runs courses in parenting teenagers, as well as self-esteem workshops for teenagers.
“I come across parents who just don’t want to take the risk,” she says. “But if we reared them like that, we wouldn’t let them walk in case they fell. You have to let them grow.”
Most young people appreciate boundaries, says Byrne. Not only do they give them a sense of security but they can be used as an excuse.
If they really don’t want to do something with their friends, he points out, “they can say, ‘You know my mother and father’ . . . and they can pass it off in that way; it’s a good safety valve.”
However, they need space to make mistakes. “If you don’t make mistakes, you never learn. A good thing for parents to concentrate on is improvements they are making in certain areas rather than the mistakes they are making.”
Partnership
A partnership approach works best, says McLaughlin. “They can be turned off very easily if you keep nagging at them.”
Give them input into agreeing “what is doable, what is fair” in relation to, say, use of technology, hours studying, nights out, so they have a sense of ownership over the plan.
There also needs to be logical consequences for crossing those boundaries. For instance, Newe suggests that a teenager who stays out an hour longer than agreed has an hour cut from the time they are allowed out the next time.
While Wall agrees with negotiating boundaries up to a point, he singles out a “non-negotiable” one.
“Every parent should keep the right to know that their son or daughter is safe,” he stresses. Teenagers need to ring you to let you know where they are and that all’s well if their plans change or they are not back by an agreed time.
Their "I am safe" mantra should be countered by "but I need to know you are safe", which is subtly different. And he recommends this rule apply to everybody in the house, "S
o if your other half is out and an hour late – you still need to know.”
He even suggests that parents engineer a row between themselves – “you’re an hour late and you didn’t ring to let me know and I was worried” – to get the point across.
Communication
The caricature of teenagers as monosyllabic “grumps” in the company of parents is a little unfair but there’s no doubt that conversation is harder at this age.
Parents of teenagers who stop communicating tend to say that they’re all like that, whereas Wall maintains they are not. However, the nature of the relationship changes, so the parents’ approach has to as well.
Physical snuggling up on the sofa may stop “but the emotional snuggling up should still be there”, he stresses. Take every opportunity to keep up natural conversation.
“It is easy to slip into the mode that conversation with Mammy and Daddy is just 20 questions – an interrogation,” he says. Instead, parents should make it more about listening, trying to discern the emotions rather than just the facts – not just what they have been doing but how they felt about it.
Keep channels of communication open, stresses Byrne, who recommends telling your teenager: “I don’t want to be part of your private, personal life but I want to support you if you hit a bad patch. If you ever need to speak to me, you know you can always do that. If I am busy and appear not to be interested, please come back.”
Be interested in their activities
The building block for that sort of relationship, he explains, is to be genuinely interested in their activities when they are in first, second and third year.
“So often parents say when they ask their teenager how they got on in school that day, they just get the answer ‘fine’. Maybe there is a need to look at the question here.”
After a match, for instance, don't just ask, "Did you win?" Ask them what sort of game was it, what was the ref like, and so on. "They will very quickly know that if you are interested, you are going to sustain the conversation," says Byrne, who used to work at Coolmine Community School, Dublin, and is now a counsellor at the Cherish Centre in Firhouse, Dublin.
Fathers have a tendency, when sons reach a certain age, to assume they would not be interested in spending time with them any more. Yet in the past they might often have gone swimming together, played pitch and putt or attended matches.
“Time and time again I meet young boys who say to me ‘I really miss that with my dad . . . when we used to do these things together’. It’s about finding opportunities,” he says, “and it is no different with girls.”
Peers
The long summer break can change friendships and McLaughlin warns how, on returning to school, some teenagers may feel cast aside by friends they made in first year.
Maybe a few of them went to the Gaeltacht together, or met up regularly during the holidays, and suddenly one member of what was previously a group of friends can start to feel very isolated.
“I would find students saying ‘This is not my group any more’. There can be relationship problems too.”
Look out for signs of behaviour that are not usual, McLaughlin advises parents. “Being acceptable to their peers and being accepted by their peers is so important to young people.”
Getting to know their friends – through having an open house or offering lifts – can help you keep in touch with your teenager’s life. You may feel your child is getting close to somebody who you are uneasy about.
“It is a case of trying to stand back and say ‘they will eventually realise that this person is selfish, using them and not treating them well’,” says Byrne. “If we wade in and start giving directives, that is going to alienate them.”
Parental influence
Despite the importance of peers, research consistently shows that parents underestimate their own influence. Family values do count – as does the behaviour of parents.
“There is little point talking about eating healthy food, exercising and not taking too much alcohol if that is part of one’s own life,” says Byrne. “There is blindness around that quite often.”
Parents who lose control of their teenagers often blame it on the fact they have “got in with a bad crowd”, says Wall. And every year group in every school has “the gang”: the ones who were the first to stop doing their homework, the first to start drinking.
These teenagers all have something in common, he suggests. “There is something missing in the relationship at home and they bond together.”
He likens it to a pendulum that has swung too far from a toddler’s total dependence on parents to undue reliance on peers.
“There is a balance in the middle that needs to be kept,” he says, and a healthy relationship with parents, as well as self-esteem, will counteract negative, outside influences.
Academic culture
Our schools have a strong academic culture and if students are not doing well academically, it is an awful knock to their self-esteem, says McLaughlin. They respond by trying to revolt against the system.
Yet as parents we can find ourselves focusing on the need for study all the time and overlook their abilities and passion for other things.
“They are children first, not students,” says Wall. “At some point you park the conversation about school and talk about life.”
One major pitfall is the temptation to live your life through your children, warns Byrne. Some parents feel that they themselves could have done better and can unwittingly transfer that on to their children.
Parent networking
Although it can be hard in secondary school, try to get to know some of the other parents, urges Newe, as that can help keep tabs on teenagers. “Parent power is really good.”
As a mother of three daughters, now aged 18 to 24, she says when there is a sleepover, always check in with the host parent. “Just ring and say ‘Thanks very much for having X over tonight’ . . . You’ll soon find out if that’s the first they’ve heard of it.”
A question of trust
Belief in yourself as a parent, as well as in your teenagers, is essential if you aren’t going to wear yourself down with worry.
“At a certain point you need to say to yourself, I have done what I can, they know what I feel about the important things in life and I am now going to trust that they will be okay,” says Byrne.
However, he acknowledges: “Easier said than done.”
swayman@irishtimes.com
