Sweden launched a groundbreaking new law last week that allows grandparents to get paid for taking care of grandchildren for three months, as the Nordic country’s generous social services system now allows parents to transfer a portion of paid leave days to their own parents. No such arrangement exists in Ireland, where accessing and affording suitable childcare proves challenging for many families, and grandparents often look after grandchildren when their adult children are working outside the home.
But is it fair to expect grandparents to plug the childcare gap when they’ve already reared their own children? Are today’s parents of young children taking advantage of grandparental goodwill, or is all this extra time with the grandchildren a happy consequence of a creaking childcare system?
Carol Phillips, from Baldoyle in Dublin, made it clear to her children from the off that she wouldn’t be a childminder to her grandchildren. At 49 years old, Phillips has two grandsons – Adam (6) and Jacob (3) – and while she’s very happy to help out in an emergency, or if her daughter had an appointment to attend, she has remained true to her word and is not part of her grandsons’ formal childcare arrangements.
Phillips became a mother herself for the first time at 17 and all four of her children were born before her 29th birthday.
“Why should I do it twice? I’ve done my time,” she says, noting that her own mother did not mind her children. “I don’t think anybody’s parents should have to mind the grandkids. Babysitting at night when you want to go out, that’s different. I’ve done that,” she says. But when it comes to being part of a childcare arrangement, she’s very clear. “That’s your own responsibility,” she says. “Everybody’s had to do it.”
According to the most recent Irish Longitudinal Study on Ageing (Tilda) report 42 per cent of older adults reported looking after a grandchild in the last month.
“Tilda data repeatedly shows that older people make valuable contributions to their children and society, as evidenced by grandparental care provision and civic engagement,” says Prof Cathal McCrory, professor in Life Course Development and Ageing at Trinity College Dublin and co-principal investigator of Tilda.
The 2020 report also reveals that 54 per cent of men and women aged 65-74 provide care for grandchildren, with these numbers remaining high even after the age of 75, when 30 per cent of men and 21 per cent of women report providing care.
Tilda senior research fellow Dr Christine McGarrigle explains: “Women, in general are much more likely to be the childcare provider in grandchildren care. But obviously, once men retire they have much more free time and so they seem to be much more involved in the care of grandchildren as well.” A fresh report is due to be published later this year.
Phillips worked outside the home while rearing her own four children. By taking advantage of job-sharing and term-time options, she managed to work around school and playschool hours. She feels parents need to “work around them and their children, rather than dragging other people into the fold”.
She feels there is “100 per cent” an expectation that grandparents should take on the role of childminder for their grandchildren. “I think there’s more of an expectation with this generation, period.” She worries that, if grandparents are taking on the role of childminder, there could be fewer opportunities to enjoy the relationship between grandmother or grandfather and grandchild. “I’m assuming there’s a lot of people that want to go out at the weekend and would still expect the grandparents to babysit them.”
There’s also the energy factor, she adds, noting that taking care of two energetic little boys can be full-on. Phillips does not feel her decision not to be part of her grandchildren’s childcare has caused any bad or resentful feelings with her daughter as the boundary was set from the beginning. She thinks it’s possibly even beneficial for her relationship with her daughter not to be their minder, due to different generational parenting styles.
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Phillips also feels not minding her grandchildren can benefit the grandparent-grandchild relationship, as a novelty factor remains. “When I see them, they run to me,” she says.
John Morris, from near Greystones, Co Wicklow, always wanted to be friends with his grandchildren, and that’s exactly the sort of relationship he feels he has developed with William (10), Genevieve (eight), Síofra (two) and Paddy (seven months).
“We’ve always helped out with the children,” he explains. These days, he usually picks up his grandson and granddaughter from primary school one day a week. “We take them home to our house. My wife gives them a meal and then we play games afterwards, or go for a walk or do something with them, and then we give them a bath and send them to bed.” Morris also takes the children to their swimming lessons, before bringing them back to their parents.
Being heavily involved in his grandchildren’s lives is something Morris always wanted. “William was the first grandchild [on both sides] so the first Christmas, the in-laws came to our house and we spent virtually the whole of Christmas day passing around the little package that was William,” he says. “He was the first grandchild for all of us, so we all felt that we could boast about him to each other.”
Caring for his grandchildren is very much a choice, Morris explains. “We love looking after the children. And we don’t consider it a chore,” he says – though he concedes it can be slightly more demanding when all his grandchildren are together.
Morris says taking care of his grandchildren “makes your life complete. It adds another dimension, a very welcome dimension to your life.” At 74 he doesn’t find it tiring caring for them. “I always love seeing the children. I’m always happy to see the children. To be perfectly honest, if I was told that I was having the children tomorrow, I’d start looking forward to it now.”
Over the summer Morris plans to take the children on day trips and for walks. He often holidays with his grandchildren and his son and daughter-in-law, too. If needed to help out at short notice, John says, “We’d drop everything and put them first. We really don’t have a problem doing that at all.”
[ ‘‘It’s lovely to see them coming; it’s lovely to see them going home’Opens in new window ]
Morris says he does lots of the same things with his grandchildren that he did with his own children, but the big advantage he has now is time.
Sandra Murphy from Dublin is happy to take care of her grandchild at weekends to allow the child’s parents to go out, or to go away together, she explains. But she says she would not be keen to take care of her grandchild on a more formal basis.
Her own mother had the same view on things, Murphy says. “And I agree with it. You’re very tied down.” It’s a very different situation if a child was sick and parents needed help, she says. But as a general rule, Murphy’s feelings about a more formal arrangement are: “I’ve already done it. We’ve raised our own.”
Murphy’s mother died a few months ago. Murphy had been taking care of her. “It was a big commitment to my mam. I’m at a point in my life where I just need a bit of time for my life.”
Murphy believes that expecting grandparents to be their grandchildren’s childminder is “selfish in a way”, as sacrifices were already made when they were raising their own children. “I would have given up everything. I wouldn’t have had holidays as much because I would have had to do all the activities ... you wouldn’t have had weekends because you were at football, or you were going off to gymnastics or swimming or tennis. I’m not able for that any more. I’m 54 and I don’t want to be running around,” she says.
Murphy feels younger parents are not as willing to make the sacrifices her generation did. “I think they see things a little bit different.” She says she would caution people to think things through properly before committing to taking on the responsibility of providing care for their grandchild. “It takes up a lot of time and it’s a lot of commitment on a daily basis.”
She feels not minding her grandchild on a Monday-to-Friday basis is to his benefit. “I still have plenty of love and care and time for him, and as he gets older I’ll take him away on holidays. I want to spend time with him ... but Monday to Friday, no. Somebody else can do that.”
Pat Murphy (no relation to Sandra) runs her own business where she lives in Edgeworthstown, Co Longford, but even as a busy business owner, she helps out with her two granddaughters’ childcare. Emily is nine and Mia almost six. She never felt it was expected of her. It was something she wanted to do.
“It wasn’t part of the plan, but as soon as [my daughter] had her first baby, I started – as soon as she was old enough to leave her mammy literally – taking her for two days. I’d take her on a Wednesday morning at eight o’clock, and give her back to her on a Thursday night at eight o’clock, so that she had a little break for herself,” Murphy explains. “I just wanted to do what I could for her. And I loved the bond that built between me and Emily as well. I was like a second mammy to her.”
Murphy’s own mother “was the opposite. She’d mind them when she had to,” she says. “But I always felt she missed out.”
Murphy has been taking care of her grandchildren for nine years. She says she does not receive payment for helping out with them, nor does she want it. Her daughter brings her out for a meal a couple of times a year to say “thank you”.
“When they’re at school I pick them up at school times, and then bring them for something to eat ... and then homework, play games, colouring,” she says, describing their routine.
Murphy, who is 64, admits she gets tired. “I used to do it two days a week plus work full-time. That was too much for me. It’s lovely, but it is nice at seven o’clock in the evening to say ‘bye-bye. You’re gone home now. It’s not my responsibility any more.’” But, she adds, “it keeps me much younger.”
Murphy also helps out with babysitting too. “I get as much joy out of it as anybody else. I love them and it’s a short time that they’re that age. And they’re just good fun.”
She’d definitely recommend it. “Rearing your own is one thing. Rearing somebody else’s even for one day a week is a completely different thing. It’s much more fun. You don’t have to be the disciplinarian and you don’t have to be the one that teaches everything, other than having fun. And you have more time.”
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