Vassals can’t be virtue signallers. The help cannot rebuke the master. But on Wednesday, when Ireland has its sweaty moment of exposure to the glare of the orange sun king, we should resort to what those of us of a certain age were taught to do in our hour of trial – seek the intercession of our patron saint. As the hymn we sang with gusto in my childhood has it: “Hail glorious Saint Patrick, dear saint of our isle/ On us thy poor children bestow a sweet smile.” And please can you get us out of this hideous fix?
The predicament is dire: how should Micheál Martin deal with Donald Trump when he meets him in the White House? How do denizens of the far fringes of the American imperium manage not to offend the thin-skinned and capricious emperor while yet retaining some shred of self-respect?
A sweet smile is too much to hope for, but how do we avoid the baleful scowl? How do we sail between the Scylla of grovelling humiliation and the Charybdis of provoking the monster’s ire?
I have a cunning plan. The purpose of the White House event is, albeit five days early, to honour St Patrick’s Day. So what I would suggest is that the Taoiseach humbly proffer a gift appropriate to our overlord’s newfound sense of divine destiny: a religious text.
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This tribute should be a vellum scroll inscribed in gorgeous calligraphy with some carefully curated quotations from Saint Patrick’s own writings, picked out in gold leaf. (Donald likes a bit of gold.) Who could be offended by such a pious gift, especially if it is presented with a straight face and the humble demeanour of a grateful supplicant?
We do, rather miraculously, have two documents actually written by Patrick, his Confession and his Letter to Coroticus. The latter – and this of course is pure coincidence – was a bully who regarded women as fair game for abuse. Patrick’s surviving letter to him is a ferocious rebuke to all those who believe that might is right.
Here, without comment, are 15 direct quotes from Patrick (in Allan Hood’s translations) that should be inscribed on the scroll:
1. “Which of the saints would not shudder at the thought of making merry or feasting with such men? They have filled their homes with spoils…they live by plunder. The wretches do not realise it, they are offering deadly poison as food to their friends and children.”
2. “I am well aware of the affirmation of my Lord, who declares in the psalm: ‘You shall destroy those who speak a lie.’ And again He says; ‘The lying mouth kills the soul.’ And likewise the Lord says in the gospel: ‘As for the idle word which men speak, they shall give account for it on the day of judgement.’”
3. “I call God as my witness upon my soul that I am not lying”.
4. “I heard a divine prophecy saying to me: ‘We are grieved to see the face of our elect stripped of all honour.’”
5. “How false are the idols which our fathers made for themselves – they are quite useless”. (Jeremiah, 16.19)
6. “It is the women kept in slavery who suffer especially; they even have to endure constant threats and terrorisation. But the Lord has given grace to many of His handmaidens, for though they are forbidden to do so, they follow His example.”
7. “As for the heathen among whom I live, God knows I have cheated none of them, nor would I think of it.”
8. “I am only too aware that I am better suited to poverty and adversity than to riches and luxury (but Christ the Lord too was poor for our sakes, and I am hapless and unfortunate and do not have any wealth now, even if I wanted it).”
9. [of Coroticus the thug and his henchmen] “They are ravening wolves, devouring God’s people like so much bread, as is said ‘The wicked have destroyed your law, O Lord’ (Psalms, 118.126)”
10. “And therefore I make this earnest appeal to all you men of piety and humble heart; it is not right to curry favour with such as these, not to take food or drink with them, nor ought one to accept their alms, until they make amends to God by gruelling penance, with shedding of tears”.
11. “‘The wealth’, it is written, ‘which he has amassed unjustly will be vomited from out of his belly; the angel of death drags him away; he will be tormented by the wrath of dragons; the serpent’s tongue will kill him, and unquenchable fire devour him.’ (Job, 20.15) And so, ‘Woe to those who fill themselves with what is not theirs.’ (Habakkuk, 2.6)”
12. “Avarice is a mortal sin.”
13. “What hope do you have in God, or indeed anyone who agrees with you or converses with you in words of flattery? God will judge, for it is written: ‘not only those who do evil but also those who agree with them are to be damned.’ (Romans, 1.32)
14. “‘As for lying oath-breakers, their lot will be in the lake of everlasting fire’.” (Revelation, 21.8)
15. “Like clouds or smoke which is soon scattered by the wind, so deceitful sinners shall perish from before the Lord’s face.”
Just to avoid any unpleasant misunderstandings the calligrapher could add at the bottom that disclaimer you see on movie credits: “Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental.”
Lash on the gold leaf. Decorate it with shamrocks and round towers and wolfhounds and Celtic crosses. And of course a large picture of Patrick himself banishing snakes and baptising heathens. Put a big glittery gilded vulgar frame around it. And tell the leader of the free world that the blessings of God and Mary and St Patrick will be upon him if he hangs it in the Oval Office. And just let it hang there like a silent curse.
