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TV View: Annual Boat Race loses its lustre as crews run scared of Thames Water

Thatcher has a lot to answer for as Oxford and Cambridge crews resist the temptation to chuck their coxes in polluted river

Conor Glass watches on as his free sails over the bar for a score for Derry in the dramatic league final victory over Dublin at Croke Park. Photograph: James Crombie/Inpho
Conor Glass watches on as his free sails over the bar for a score for Derry in the dramatic league final victory over Dublin at Croke Park. Photograph: James Crombie/Inpho
Mary Hannigan's picture
Mary Hannigan
Mon Apr 01 2024 - 06:00

We all might well have lost an hour of our lives that we’ll never get back (until October) but, no matter how aggrieved we might have felt over the weekend, at least the vast bulk of us didn’t lose our breakfast like Leonard Jenkins.

“I was throwing up this morning,” the Oxford man told the BBC after his lads lost The Boat Race to (checks notes to see who qualified to meet them) Cambridge.

“I kept that quiet and that’s on my shoulders,” he said, but you hoped not literally.

There had, as we know, been warnings in advance of the race about the levels of E.coli in the Thames, sewage spills into the river having doubled since 2022.

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So, the Oxford and Cambridge crews were warned not to chuck their coxes into the water at the completion of the race for fear they would have a greenish hue when they resurfaced. If they resurfaced at all.

But emotions can get the better of you. One of the Cambridge crew splashed Thames water all over his face in his moment of triumph, it possibly being Medieval History student Gus John who, we were told, is “affectionately known by his fellow rowers as Augustus Gloop”, Augustus being the obese child in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

After showering himself with that water, you’d fear he’s since lost half his body weight through vomiting and is no longer chubby.

“We’ve had a few guys go down pretty badly with the E.coli strain,” Leonard revealed, “it would have been ideal not to have so much poo in the water.”

“Wow,” said Clare Balding on hearing this news, although one of her panel, a man with the most Boat Race name ever – Tobias – somewhat downplayed the issue in a kind of a ‘shit happens’ sort of way.

And he certainly never mentioned that it was Maggie Thatcher who privatised Britain’s water companies, so she had come back to haunt, of all things, The Boat Race.

There isn’t, to be honest, a seamless link here to Sunday’s Division One league final between Derry and Dublin, except that Derry would have felt decidedly ill if they had returned home without the trophy.

“We had to win it many times,” a beaming Mickey Harte in his Derry baseball cap told TG4, a sight that possibly still leaves Tyrone folk green around the gills.

Cambridge captains Sebastian Benzecry and Jenna Armstrong, centre, celebrate after their teams' victories in the annual Boat Race on the River Thames, London. Photograph: David Cliff/EPA/EFE
Cambridge captains Sebastian Benzecry and Jenna Armstrong, centre, celebrate after their teams' victories in the annual Boat Race on the River Thames, London. Photograph: David Cliff/EPA/EFE

They did too. They had it won in normal time, but Dublin came back. They had it won in extra time, but Dublin came back. And if that wasn’t entertaining enough, there were a couple of shemozzles thrown in too. In other words, it was an occasion that had it all and a bit more, concluding, as it did, with a penalty shoot-out, Derry finally prevailing.

So entertaining, in fact, that Mickey chuckled at the notion that some folk didn’t want the league to conclude with a final, like the championship was the be-all and end-all and the sole focus of his Derry players. Moments later. “We’re all focused on the championship now,” Derry’s man of the match Eoin McEvoy told TG4.

Onwards and upwards.

If Derry had it tough trying to see off Dublin, that was nothing compared to the task of balancing the second half of Ireland v Italy and the first of Manchester City v Arsenal. Some folk have got a People of the Year award for less.

The rugby? Ah look, it’d break your heart. As Lindsay Peat put it, the weather mirrored the day – sunshine in its early stages, grey in the middle, the clouds parting a bit towards the end. In other words, Ireland started mightily, then crumbled, before finishing with a small flourish.

Ireland's Fiona Tuite celebrates after Neve Jones scores a try against Italy at the RDS. Photograph: Ben Brady/Inpho
Ireland's Fiona Tuite celebrates after Neve Jones scores a try against Italy at the RDS. Photograph: Ben Brady/Inpho

Daire O’Brien tasked Hannah Tyrrell with analysing Ireland’s handling errors.

“Unfortunately there were plenty to choose from,” she said, fearing she’d still be in the RDS come November.

But at least the game had a highly lively conclusion, Ireland coming close-ish to snatching a late, late triumph, which would have been the mother of all daylight robberies.

In contrast, the City v Arsenal game was a snoozefest, just the three shots on target. And less of your ‘tactically absorbing’ lark.

“It looks like he’s never played football before,” said Gary Neville of Erling Haaland. “He’s almost like a League Two player,” said Roy Keane.

Those who captained him in their Fantasy League teams would have felt sicker than your average parrot.

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