I was sexually abused by a trusted uncle from about the age of five or six until I was a teenager. My sister and I had been sent to stay with him for long periods during school holidays. Our parents were made aware of the abuse after a cousin, who was also a victim of this predator, gave details to the gardaí when we were all in our late teens.
However, both sets of parents decided not to take any action against our uncle as it was in the past, so why cause trouble in the family now? This was devastating for me, causing me to lose any self-worth I had managed to retain. I felt totally invalidated.
Alongside this, I was reared by an overpowering, angry, narcissist mother who used emotional blackmail and physical punishment in her parenting, and a father who was emotionally removed and totally self-centred. I grew up in an emotional vacuum and spent my childhood, and a large part of my adult life, feeling incredibly sad. I was looking for peace and trying to find my place in the world.
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I went to another country to escape life as I knew it here and ended up marrying a man I did not love. I was looking for something but I didn’t know what. This man went on to abuse me in every way imaginable – physically, emotionally, sexually, financially and more.
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We had three children together and it was only when he turned his abusive focus on our then eight-year-old daughter that I had the strength to leave him. I moved back to Ireland with my three young children and have raised them as a single parent for the past 15 years. We never heard from my ex-husband again.
Despite being able to set up a safe, stable home for my three wonderful children and have a job, I still felt great sadness. I couldn’t see anything positive in my future and was crippled with guilt about everything that had happened to me.
I had a good male friend living locally, who I was able to call on whenever I needed assistance, and in time we started dating. After about a year my partner said, with concern and kindness, that I needed help. Although I had known this myself for many years, hearing it directly from somebody I knew loved me prompted me to do something about my extreme sadness.
During an appointment with my GP, I began to cry uncontrollably, blurting out random examples of my life experiences. This was a turning point. She was the first person to suggest counselling, about which I knew nothing but, I was so desperate, I grabbed the opportunity. The process then led me to the specialised counselling group for abuse survivors led by psychologist Lorraine McColgan.
At first I was very anxious about it as I had no experience of this type of setting. I had never spoken in any detail, with anybody, about my past and I had never shared my innermost feelings and emotions. I found myself among a group, all female as it happened, of strangers. I felt vulnerable and unsure of what was to be gained from that set-up.
However, slowly but surely, everybody in the group began to realise we were in a very safe space. As it turned out, we all had the same worries about exposing our history and emotions to a group of strangers.
Although each of us had a unique story, our innermost feelings had all been affected in ways we could recognise in each other. I was, unexpectedly, now in a place where I found empathy, understanding and shared experience. It was an enormous relief to learn that I was not, and am not, alone.
My feelings of isolation, sadness and worthlessness were not unfounded. I had not been singled out by the universe for the horrendously sad, harsh hand that I had been dealt. We were able to support each other in working through the effects and consequences of our abuse. I felt heard, valid and included – feelings I had never been able to call my own. My reactions to situations and my way of dealing with life were my way of surviving. I was now learning that my behaviours were not “wrong” but were strategies that I had developed to protect myself from future or ongoing abuse.
The group provided a platform for self-investigation, searching and sharing in a way that I would never have imagined. I learnt so much about myself and my character that I would have not known, if it were not for this group of amazing, resilient, strong and loving people. I discovered through talking and sharing that other people actually thought that I was okay, that I am important, my story is important and that I have a place in the world.
I had never experienced this type of psychological reassurance and I was empowered to know and to speak the truth. I felt strong and protected. The group facilitated a sharing of skills and strategies that we each had developed for self-protection and we were able to provide each other with options and alternatives that had the potential to be life-changing, for the better.
Alongside the counselling, I continued to keep in touch with my GP who had prescribed medication that helped me through some of the rougher times, giving me the space to be able to think more objectively and to recognise certain situations more clearly. Personally, I feel that group counselling has equipped me with immeasurable strength of mind, positive self-image and the tools that I need to continue to live my best life.
I no longer take part in group therapy sessions as I reached a point where I felt safe in the thought of moving forward with life. My children, my partner and I all have an enhanced quality of life. I can now recognise negativity when it’s approaching.
I have learnt to be content with who I am and what I am.
Life is good, even when it’s bad.
As told to Sheila Wayman