Question
I am struggling with potty training my daughter. She is three years and two months old and we have been potty training for more than three months. She never asks to go to the toilet herself and she will wet or soil herself twice or three times a day if I don’t put her in pull-ups.
If I ask her to go to the toilet she sometimes reluctantly will go for me and sit on the toilet, but not regularly. I have tried stickers, rewards, reading books, I have never been annoyed with her when she wets herself. Recently she has started refusing to go to the toilet when I ask her and sometimes gets upset if I push her – so now it feels like we are going backwards.
Her older brother was trained before his third birthday. She has been a different child to him from the word go, more difficult to settle and to feed and often crying for long periods. The public health nurse suggested we get her assessed and we are seeking this. I get the impression the nurse thinks she might be autistic.
In the meantime, she is due to start preschool after Easter for half days and they require children to be toilet trained. I am not sure what to do.
‘I am struggling with potty training my three-year-old daughter’
‘My son is in his 20s, but still lives like a teenager – staying in his room playing video games’
My kids and I put a message in a bottle. What happened next restored my faith in humanity
Should parents be checking their teenagers’ phones?
Answer
There is a big variance in the age that children are developmentally ready to be toilet trained. While some children might be ready to learn at two years of age, many are not ready to learn until they are at least three or older. This is frequently the case for autistic and neurodivergent children, who often have interoception difficulties that make it harder to notice and interpret body signals such as a full bladder or bowel (as well as other body signals such as hunger, thirst and even pain and discomfort).
Toilet training and pressure
There can be big pressure to get children toilet trained by certain dates before they are ready (for example, the start of preschool) or to complete the process at certain times (such as during a two-week break over the summer). However, pressure rarely helps the toilet-training process and frequently it can be counterproductive. For example, if you get into a battle with your child over toileting, this can lead them to develop a fear about using the toilet or to start “holding in” their poos, which can lead to constipation and ongoing toileting problems.
[ My four-year-old is fearful of sitting on the toiletOpens in new window ]
Take a pause
If your daughter is resisting or getting upset, it is a good idea to take a pause in the toilet-training process. If you find yourself getting frustrated, it can be a good idea to take a break and to make a plan to return to it later. In the meantime, you can return to using pull-ups and take the pressure off using the toilet. You might be able to negotiate with the preschool for her to start while wearing pull-ups, especially given that it is a half day. Explain the situation to the teacher and that your daughter is being assessed for additional needs and agree a plan. One mother I worked with agreed to be nearby and to collect her son from preschool if there was a toileting accident.
As it panned out, her son got into a rhythm of having his bowel movement before going to preschool so it was rarely a problem.
Notice the stage
Observe your daughter closely so you can understand what stage she is at in understanding her body signals, gaining self-control and learning to use the toilet.
While your daughter is in pull-ups, you can help her tune into her body signals. When she does a wee, you might say, ‘Oh look, you have done a wee, well done’. Or you might notice a body ritual she goes through before a bowel movement and point this out to her: ‘Oh, you look like you are doing a poo ... good girl’. The key is to communicate curiosity and celebration rather than pressure or frustration. You are simply helping her notice and learn about her body. You will also notice small signs of progress as she becomes more self-aware. For example, she might first begin to tell you just after she has done a wee before she then learns to anticipate the moment before she needs to go.
Starting to use the toilet again
The first step is to make sure sitting on the toilet becomes an attractive space for her to use when she is ready. Consider the sensory experience for your daughter and how this can be safe and comforting. Pick a toilet seat that is comfortable and secure and make sure the space is warm. Some parents find it useful to put up posters of favourite characters, play music or to have a selection of toys or books that can only be accessed when sitting on the toilet.
When she is ready, you can begin to nudge her towards using the toilet itself. For example, she might communicate that she is about to go and you might then gently guide her to try the toilet. Getting the right timing is crucial. Some children go through several intermediate steps before fully using the toilet. For example, one autistic child I worked with had learned to notice their body signals about needing to go, but needed the sensory comfort of the pull-ups to follow through.
Taking off the nappy and sitting on the toilet was too big a step, so the parents broke it down into smaller steps over time such as doing a poo.
- In the nappy, in the toilet space
- In the nappy sitting on toilet
- With the nappy open sitting on the toilet, before the nappy was fully removed.
Understanding your child’s needs, being patient and going at their pace is the key.
Getting further help
With gentle patience all children will learn to use the toilet, though it might be a bit later than you expected. In my experience there are advantages to waiting until children are fully ready before you start toilet training because at the older age they are more likely to fully master the process in one go and it is much more likely to be a positive experience for parent and child.
If you need any further help, contact your public health nurse, and there is an excellent UK-based helpline and website eric.org.uk, which is packed with great resources and information on toilet training for all children.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is delivering an online course on Parenting Neurodivergent Children starting on March 21st, 2025. See solutiontalk.ie
