Cents & Nonsense:Announcer: Now, ladies and gentleman, it's time for the show you've all been waiting for - The €38,000 Question! Many thanks to our sponsor, the Taxpayer!
Our competition sees the "Leaders" pitted against the "Little People". In tonight's exciting show, An Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, and Tánaiste and Minister for Finance Brian Cowen, will test their maths skills against a member of the public. Taoiseach, how do feel about tonight's contest against the Little People?
Taoiseach:Ah, I feel, ah, confident. Sure, didn't that survey last week find that 25 per cent of them people don't know the first thing about numbers. This game will be as easy to win as my third general election earlier this year.
Announcer:You're one step ahead of us again, Taoiseach! Mr Ahern is referring to a recent survey that found one in four people have difficulty with simple numeracy tasks such as adding up a bill, understanding a pay slip or filling in a form.
It also found that more than one-third of adults couldn't recognise the correct definition for the financial term APR (annual percentage rate) or understand the term credit rating. We've based our questions tonight on that survey.
Let's talk to your opponents. Ordinary people, do you feel prepared for the gameshow?
Average Joe:Yeah, I guess so. I just lost thousands betting on contracts for difference (CFDs) - which I suppose I didn't really understand - and all my property deals have gone sour so I'm not feeling the best. I think I might lose my job soon, too.
Announcer:Time to be quiet Joe and just get on with the show. No one wants to hear about your silly worries. Everyone is too busy running the Rosy Republic.
Okay, fingers on the buzzers! It's time for the Healthy Figures round. The chief executive of the UK's National Health Service (NHS) makes about €280,000 a year and the chief executive of the Health Services Executive (HSE), Brendan Drumm, is paid €363,000 for overseeing a health service for four million people.
So should the boss of the NHS, who deals with a population of 60 million, really be earning almost €6 million a year? Please answer yes or no. Bzzzzz. Yes, Tánaiste, your answer please.
Tánaiste:I don't want to answer that one.
Announcer:Sorry, but that's not an answer to the question so I'll have to ask your opponent.
Average Joe:Um, yes?
Announcer:Correct! Round two is the Bigger Slice of the Pie multiple-choice round. If the economy is in turmoil (growth down to 3.5 per cent or so in 2008) and voters are losing confidence in your team (Fianna Fáil down 33 per cent), do you:
A)take steps to cut taxes and reduce inflation;
B)put cash in a suitcase and give it to your girlfriend, or;
C)give yourself and your mates a big pay rise?
Taoiseach:All three?
Announcer:That's not an option. You must choose one of the three answers. You get two penalty points but, in the rules of our game, they automatically transfer to the person who drives the least. The Taoiseach has a personal driver, so Joe Public gets the penalties because he only has a provisional licence.
Average Joe:Wait, it's not my fault - I've been on the waiting list for over a year!
Announcer:Not my problem, Joe.
Now for a two-part section, the Testing the Political Temperature round. First question: if the average worker gets a 2 per cent increase this year under the Towards 2016 agreement, then should Ministers accept the 12 per cent to 16 per cent increase approved several weeks ago?
Second question:In a recent survey, what percentage of voters felt cheated by the Government's U-turn on lowering income tax and PRSI. Was it:
A)75 per cent;
B)91 per cent or;
C)They're all just begrudgers.
Bzzzz.
Tánaiste:I know this one! Yes, of course, to part one and C to part two?
Announcer:Correct! Our Communicating with the Masses section is always great fun because we let the studio audience answer as well. Hands on the buzzers, audience. When writing up a budget speech do you place the phrase "time to tighten your belts" in the first, second, or third part of the speech?
(Silence.) You were all very quiet for that round. Oops, did we forget to turn off the electrical (economic shock) current on the buzzers? Never mind, it's time to move on to the results.
Average Joe, you scored very well and are clearly following matters with great interest. You win . . . nothing!
Taoiseach and Tánaiste, your numbers just don't add up. Our adjudicator couldn't make head nor tail of them.
The good news, Taoiseach, is you're still the winner of our political prize - the €38,000 salary increase.
Tánaiste, your salary also keeps its increase of 15.6 per cent - up to €270,000. Congratulations!
• Margaret E. Ward is a journalist and Director of Clear Ink, the Clear English Specialists
