You love your partner, but you're not so sure about their family. It's the hot topic people are slow to own up to, writes Róisín Ingle.

The title of Jane Fonda's comeback movie confirms everything we already know about the stereotypical image of the families we marry into, for better or for worse. The movie is called Monster-in-Law, and it's being released, appropriately enough, on Friday the 13th.

In the movie, Fonda plays a mother-in-law from hell who is intent on wrecking her son's marriage to a character played by Jennifer Lopez. Mother-in-law jokes may have been eschewed by contemporary stand-up comedians but as a movie hook or a thorny life dilemma, the in-law issue is set to run and run.

Lest we fail to get the point, the poster for Monster-in-Law features Fonda's well-manicured finger pushing a miniature bride figurine down into the wedding cake.

In another current release, Guess Who?, we find white boy Ashton Kutcher locking horns with the disapproving father of his black girlfriend in a lame twist on one of the earlier in-law movies Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?.

In Bewitched, a film due out in August and based on the classic 1960s TV show, we can expect plenty of infuriating mother-in-law behaviour from Shirley Maclaine who plays Samantha's mother Endora, a witch in every sense of the word.

Irksome in-laws are a hot topic, so hot it's difficult to get anyone to talk.

"My life would not be worth living," says one Dublin woman with severe in-law issues, explaining that she wouldn't even risk talking about the subject under an assumed name. It is the same story with almost everyone I approach for this article. Irish people are increasingly open about everything from their plastic surgery to their sex lives these days, but ask them how they get on with their in-laws and just watch those shutters come down.

This reticence comes as no surprise to Lisa O'Hara of the Marriage and Relationship Counselling Services in Dublin, where couples occasionally own up to the difficulty they are having adjusting to the ways of the new family they have married into.

"It can definitely cause conflict between the couple, whether it's one of them spending too much time with their original families, the problem of interfering in-laws or one member of the couple not feeling accepted by their partner's family," she says. "It can be an extremely delicate relationship."

Fortunately, a few brave souls did volunteer to share their feelings on the subject with The Irish Times, albeit anonymously.

One Dublin woman, Gráinne, recalls a part of her pre-marriage course where she and her fiancé were asked to list the qualities in each other's family that they would like to bring into their own home.

"I sat there writing loads of things, while my fiancé couldn't think of one thing to write," she laughs. "It's definitely worth thinking about these things before you get married."

"My relationship with my in-laws is strained to say the least," says mother-of-three Christine from Co Kildare. "We are from very different backgrounds. They are quite posh and I think I am a little common for them. It has probably got worse since we had the children and they want to spend much more time with us. They are even talking about coming on a family holiday. I smile when they bring it up but inside I am thinking 'God that would be awful'."

Christine describes how she is always on edge when her parents-in-law arrive. "I always feel like I am being judged," she says. "They tend to think we spoil the kids a bit but I don't think whether we do or not is any of their business. The problem is I am intimidated by them because they are so well educated and accomplished. You don't realise until you are married exactly what you are taking on."

Barbara, from Canada, struggles with an even bigger clash of personalities when it comes to her husband's family. She moved here a few years ago and sees her parents, both of whom managed successful careers while bringing up a family, as the ideal parental role models.

"My husband's parents could not be more different, they are more traditional and it has caused problems," she says. "I do my best, put out the best linen for afternoon tea, make their favourite cakes, but I still have the feeling that they think I am this mad person with strange ideas about everything from childcare to home decorating. They wanted to mind our child but I was happier leaving him in a creche because I would be afraid they'd be sneaking him sweets or doing other things that I as a parent don't approve of."

She says she has tried to bond with both parents but her efforts have come to nothing. Some botched and unasked-for DIY jobs by the father-in-law in her house - he had let himself in without telling her or her husband - haven't helped matters.

But it was when she heard through the family grapevine that her in-laws had told her parents there was no way Barbara would ever contemplate returning to Canada to live, she was closer than ever to taking them on.

"They know I would love to go back to Canada but they still decided to say this to my parents, who were understandably very upset," she says. "I'd really rather not see them too often because then it wouldn't be such an effort to be nice to them. At the end of the day my husband is the person I love - it doesn't mean I have to love his parents. I am tired of thinking up new ways to please them because nothing ever seems to work."

It's a familiar story, and one which Dubliner Brian, who has been married for 25 years to Megan, understands well. He will never forget the day he got married and his mother-in-law embraced him in a bear hug saying "welcome to the family, son".

"It went downhill from there," he says. His wife's mother, who had several daughters, regularly took him aside to complain about all the other sons-in-law, and Brian began to suspect that behind his back she might be doing the same about him. When he consulted the other husbands, he discovered he was right.

"It became clear that she was a Machiavellian, interfering person. Nothing any of us sons-in-law did was ever good enough. She became like the 'all-seeing eye', pointing out if I had drunk one too many glasses of wine or criticising us for not having children when she thought we should. This went on for years and caused no end of problems," he says.

It caused tension in his marriage as he tried to get his wife to deal with her mother, a difficult task for any daughter, he accepts now.

"Four years ago I just decided to have nothing to do with my mother-in-law. I don't go down there when my wife visits, I don't have any relationship with her at all," he says. "If I was doing it again I would have confronted her earlier, instead of enduring all that aggro and expecting my wife to sort it out."

Avoiding such an impasse is easier said than done, but one mother-in-law who feels she has a successful relationship with all seven daughters and sons in-law has a few tips for those coming into the role. "Get very good at biting your tongue," she says. "Never interfere, never say anything bad about the son or daughter's partner and never criticise. And no matter how much you think your help would be appreciated, don't do anything without asking first," she says. "Years of comedy programmes have demonised us mothers-in-law but it's up to us to prove that we are not as bad as popular culture makes us out to be."

All names have been changed. Conor O'Clery reviews Jane Fonda's autobiography, My Life So Far, in WeekendReview tomorrow. Monster-in-Law is released on May 13

Calling a truce Tips for in-law harmony

1 What you say and do at the start will set the tone for years to come. Getting off to a good start is very important because it is difficult to undo a bad first impression. Go slowly at first and make sure to listen to your in-laws more than you talk.

2 Your in-laws are not the enemy. They are just people who do things differently from you, and once you understand their ways you might even find they possess some admirable qualities. After all, they brought up your husband or wife so they can't be all that bad, can they?

3 Accept their foibles. Your spouse's family may open their presents on Christmas Eve or shout their heads off around the dinner table. While it may seem odd to you, remember they have always done things this way. Explore the nuances of your in-laws' interaction. Families all have different ways in which they show affection, approval and even love. Get to know them and things will be easier.

4 Cut the apron strings. Many in-law issues arise because one person's father or mother is unwilling to let them be fully independent. If you recognise this scenario, consider the fact that this is alienating for your partner, who may feel you place too much importance in your parents' views.

5 Don't bury the problem. Communication is crucial when it comes to dealing with in-laws. If there is something you are not happy with, try to talk it out before the problem becomes insurmountable. Express your needs openly. Ask for clarity to avoid misunderstandings. Confront the issues rather than each other.