Question
I’m 55 and I went to a convent school, so my knowledge of sexuality was very curtailed. I had my first sexual experience at 33, just before I got married, and needless to say I’ve only had one sexual partner.
I have one child, who is away from home in college, and finally I have the choice of leaving my marriage, which is actually not a difficult choice as I have never felt the kind of romantic or passionate feelings for my husband that I read in books or see among my friends. My problem is that I now think that I have huge shame around sex as every time I think about being free to have sex with someone else, I feel such a self-disgust and self-criticism that I shrink from doing anything.
I was always taught that sex was bad and if you actually liked it, it meant that you were fundamentally an immoral person. I know, obviously, that this is not true, but it does not stop the feelings from coming up and I think I am actually unable to approach someone where the possibility of sex might happen. I would like to have a sexually satisfying experience at least once in my life, so I want to find out how I might be able to allow this to happen. There is also the question of desire, as I am no longer sure if I am attracted to men but then I’ve never had a romantic feeling for a woman either. If I’m going to the trouble of opening up my baggage, I wondered if this is also something I might take on?
Just to add, sex was never mentioned in my home and periods and everything to do with them happened in total secrecy. I had some very limited sex education at school, but I’ve never had the type of female friendships (anytime in my life) where we spoke about bodies and functions – this is also a source of shame for me.
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Answer
You have just taken a first step in tackling shame: that is naming it, owning it and taking it out to have a look at it – this is as opposed to shutting down and curling up with it. Linking shame and sex has been a long-standing method of controlling peoples’ behaviour and there may have been an argument for this when reputation and social standing relied on not having children out of wedlock. However successful it may have been in ensuring lineage, it had the very specific side effect of linking sex with shame, disgust and badness.
Unlinking these connections is a generational effort and the pendulum may now have swung from fear to performance: where once there was a fear of being found out to be having sex, now there can be a fear that you are not at the higher end of performance during sex. The problem here is that the concept of sex for pleasure is being missed, which is what you want to achieve: the retraining of your body to expect and receive pleasure.
The most motivational aspect of sex is orgasm, and this always involves some letting go – a moment where you completely turn off your inner judgement and criticism and allow your body to fully experience pleasure. Often our deepest learning happens in the years up to our mid 20s (we tend to remember these vividly) and for you these years were full of restraint and the idea of being “good” meant adhering to a moral code and no sex play.
Unlearning this may take some time as you are trained both physically and emotionally to shut down these desires before they can take root and harm you (this, of course, is a learned response). Shame is a powerful tool to make us remember the lesson not to do again whatever caused the shame. It is so powerful that we can remember something from our school days and have the same blushing, crushing, shame feeling that we had at the time it was happening, even if this is many years later. Facing it, talking about it and gathering shared experiences is the antidote.
Something cannot continue to have the same effect if you own it and have others comment on similar experiences with you. This is not easy if you do not have friendships where these things can easily be discussed. However, when a person is brave enough to talk about a shameful experience, then others often feel permission to talk more honestly too and an experience shared is one where shame disappears. You mention good friends and now is the time to lean into this support and risk discussing it all with them. They will offer you help with how to meet someone you desire, help you set up a profile on a suitable website, help you trawl through the responses and prop you up through the inevitable rejections – this is what deepens friendships and enriches your circle of support.
You say that you are not sure what you desire: could you try checking in with your body and anytime you are in the company of other people, see what it is attracted to. Use your curiosity and check in with your gut and be open to whatever is coming up for you. Desire often needs to be opened up and investigated, and it also changes as we mature and develop.
A good starting point is to read Emily Nagoski’s book Come as you are, as it not only pulls together all the research into female desire, but it has worksheets and homework that can help you unlock all that has been shut down. You are on the road to self-discovery, and your job now is to enjoy the journey.
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