My new year’s resolutions have always had one thing in common: They’ve been all about me. Some years I’ve vowed to pick up my high school French again; some years I’ve sworn off impulse shopping; and some years (okay, every year) I’ve promised myself I’d go to bed earlier. The goal, though, has always been the same: to become a better, happier version of myself.
But while there’s nothing wrong with self-improvement, experts say that focusing on our relationships with the people around us may go a long way to making us happier.
“Our society has treated happiness as a highly individualistic pursuit – the idea being that it’s something that you make for yourself, that you get for yourself, and you do it all alone,” said Stephanie Harrison, founder of The New Happy, an online platform that uses art and science to change how we think about happiness, and author of New Happy: Getting Happiness Right in a World That’s Got It Wrong.
We tend to set our sights on self-focused goals, Harrison said, “almost plucking them out of thin air, thinking, ‘Okay, this will be the thing that makes me happy.’” Instead, she suggested, pivot to “think about happiness as something we create together and for each other.”
There is ample research – including one of the longest-running studies on human happiness – to show that our interpersonal relationships are crucial to our wellbeing, protecting against depression, bolstering our physical health and making our lives more meaningful. As you think about your goals for 2025, here are some ways to centre your relationships with your friends, family and co-workers.
Ask how (and whom) you can help
Emma Seppälä, a psychologist and research scientist with academic postings at Yale University and Stanford University, can summarise decades of happiness research in one sentence: “The happiest people, who also happen to live the longest and healthiest lives, are the people who live a life characterised by compassion, balanced with self-compassion.”
While being of service to others shapes our own wellbeing, “it doesn’t mean you have to go feed orphans”, said Seppälä, who is the author of Sovereign: Reclaim Your Freedom, Energy, and Power in a Time of Distraction, Uncertainty, and Chaos.
Start small by simply noticing the times people help you, Harrison said; research has shown that when we receive love, it inspires us to help others. Pay attention to the times when people show up for each other, she advised, like when a coworker pitches in on a colleague’s project or a neighbour rakes someone else’s leaves. “Those are all little moments that can start to shift your worldview to remember that happiness isn’t something we do alone,” she said.
Harrison has a recurring reminder on her calendar: “Every afternoon, it just says, ‘Make sure you’ve helped somebody today.’” If she gets to the point where she hasn’t done this, “I will proactively go out and find a way to do it.” That could mean calling a friend who’s having a tough time, explaining long division to your child or sending a coworker a note of gratitude.
In his latest book, The Art of Danish Living, Meik Wiking, chief executive of the Happiness Research Institute in Copenhagen, explores the concept of “arbejdsfællesskab”, which translates loosely to “work community”. The idea, he said, is for friends or neighbours to rally around a project that would be less fun if done alone.
His friend, for example, gathered a few families to build a chicken coop; not only were they spending time together, but they were also driven by a collaborative purpose. “I think that sense of accomplishment, even though it’s not your chicken coop, is also useful,” he said.
Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project and host of the podcast Happier, suggested asking the head of a local recreation centre or neighbourhood association if there’s a task they need help with – whether it’s organising boxes or planting flower beds – and then gathering people in your community to complete it.
Upgrade strangers into acquaintances and acquaintances into friends
Research has shown that striking up a conversation with a stranger can boost wellbeing. Such interactions can also serve as low-stakes “practice” if your new year’s goal is to meet new people, said Elizabeth Earnshaw, a relationship therapist and author of Til Stress Do Us Part. When you compliment a cashier’s hair or chat with someone in line, “you’re going to have these moments that start to feel good, and it’s going to make the slightly more scary, risky social interactions feel a little bit easier”, she said.
Investing in relationships with our “weak ties” – casual acquaintances we see regularly – can also make us happier by conferring a sense of belonging and connection, Harrison said. When you run into that neighbour, make a note of any interests or concerns they express, which may open up common ground or even ways you can support them, like making an introduction to someone else.
For acquaintances you’d like to upgrade to friends, Rubin suggested changing the context in which you usually interact. If you see them only at the playground, invite them to coffee. By showing that you want to hang out beyond the usual scope of your interactions, “you’re moving into this greater zone of intimacy”, she said.
That’s particularly pertinent in the workplace, where research has suggested that having a work friend makes us happier and more productive. Invite a coworker you discussed a movie with to go see it after work, Rubin said. If you work remotely part of the week, suggest coming in on the same day for a standing lunch date.
Turn a solo pursuit into a two-person goal
When setting a goal for the coming year, Earnshaw said there’s value in seeking buy-in from the people who are integral to its success. “So it’s not just, ‘What do I want out of this?’” she explained. “You want to try to think relationally.”
You might call a sibling “and say something like, ‘I was thinking we don’t see each other enough and I’d love to have an intention this year of really putting my resources toward seeing you more often; could you try that with me, too?’” she said. In romantic partnerships, establish mutual objectives for the year for everything from handling money to how you treat each other.
Sharing how you would like to work together, Earnshaw said, “can be really powerful because it helps the other person be invested in the common goal, too”.
Overall, Rubin said, “If you are thinking about how to spend your precious time, energy and money in the new year, anything that is going to deepen your relationships or broaden your relationships is probably something that’s going to make you happier.”
As for how to measure whether your efforts at pursuing happiness by focusing on other people are paying off?
“Look for the moments of positive emotion that arise for you – do you feel a sense of peace, of connection, of contentment, of joy, of satisfaction?” Harrison said. Ultimately, she added, “We’re trying to create more moments of love.” – This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
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