They say that raising a child takes a village, but not everyone is fortunate enough to have the help and support they need. And some people, for a variety of reasons, are unable to take care of their own children. There are more than 5,000 children and young people in State care across Ireland with almost 90 per cent of these living with foster carers.
Nicola Rowntree Carroll and her husband, Gerry, have been welcoming children into their home for almost two decades and say it has been an incredibly rewarding experience.
“When we first got married many years ago and it seemed unlikely that we would have our own children, we thought about fostering,” she says. “But then we did become parents – to Sarah Louise, David and Emma – and we put it on the back burner for a while. Then, one day, both myself and Gerry happened to be listening to an interview on the radio about fostering. He was at home and I was at work, and coincidentally we both heard it. There was a call-out for foster parents, and we said, ‘You know what? Let’s do this.’ That was about 18 years ago and we have been doing it ever since.
The importance of foster care
In Ireland, more than 5,500 children are currently in foster care. We hear from two foster carers, Sinéad O’Donnell and Sharon Kelly, who tell Róisín Ingle why they wanted to open up their homes, the challenges involved and what advice they would give to anyone considering becoming a foster carer.
“In that time, we have fostered four children. Our first placement was a seven-month-old baby boy, who was an amazing little character who took to Gerry from the moment he came into the house in the arms of the social worker – I’d say he sat on Gerry’s hip for a whole year. It was a wonderful experience all round, particularly as he went home at the end, which was just fantastic.”
Their next placement was a teenage boy, who came to their house in an emergency situation and stayed on for some time, ending only after tensions arose between the children. “We would have loved to continue working with him, but he was the same age as our own son and conflicts had begun, so in terms of protecting our own child, unfortunately, the placement had to end,” says Nicola, who is a rape crisis worker.
But their household numbers changed again as, shortly afterwards, they took in two brothers. “We’ve had this foster placement of two teenage brothers, Andrew and Tristan, for nine years now,” she says. “They are a long-term placement and will always be with us – they really are part of the furniture now at this stage.”
The two brothers have integrated seamlessly into family life, and Nicola says they are blessed that everyone gets on so well, as this might not always be the case. “Looking after the baby first was kind of handy because he wasn’t going to be into anyone else’s toys or anything like that, so it wasn’t difficult,” she says.
“I had thought that it might be an issue for our youngest with [feelings of] displacement, but it was fine. There were issues with the second placement, but this is often the case with everyone trying to find their space within a new home. But we are really blessed with the boys, as all the children get on – and fight – like siblings.
“Of course, there are lots and highs and lows with fostering, regardless of the situation, and one of the things that we learned really early on from a social worker was to celebrate the small things. So that is something that we always try to do. But we have also been really lucky because we’re now celebrating big things with the boys as well.
“Also, things have been very positive with regard to the boys’ mum, as I have a fantastic relationship with her. This can be quite unusual and has been hard work – she has had to see someone else bringing up her children, which cannot be easy for any mother, but we have really worked very hard and meet each other every two weeks for coffee or lunch, a catch-up and a chat. I will text her when things happen with the boys, even simple things like going to the GP or if they have done well on a test or an exam, and I’ll send photos.
“This has also made a huge difference for the boys, because they are not competing or protecting either situation – so in the house and on their phones, and she is referred to as ‘Mum One’, and I am ‘Mum Two’. And with regard to any major decisions, I will run everything past Mum One before we say yes or no to it. That has been an absolute high, and has also been such a positive experience for all of us. I know Mum One would agree and say exactly that same thing, that it’s not about us, it’s all about the children.”
If you have space, and time, and a little bit of room in your heart and in your mind, think about fostering
June is National Fostering Awareness Month. “The theme is ‘Fostering Is for You’, in which we want to address the myths around fostering eligibility,” says Jacqueline Smyth, Tusla national lead for foster care. “You can be over 55, gay, single, a job seeker, of ethnic minority, etc and be a foster carer. Many people don’t realise this and were ruling themselves out.
“There is an ongoing need for carers across the country. And it is important that the pool of available carers is both diverse and geographically spread to assist children in staying in their communities. Each child will have differing needs, and so a variety of family types is also important; quiet homes and busy ones, homes with children and those without, are all required.
“People often believe that fostering is something that is outside their range of skills when, in fact, what foster children need most are homes which are stable and filled with kindness and love. The love and care is the same as if you were looking after your own child or family member.”
“As part of National Fostering Awareness Month, we are asking people from diverse backgrounds, in communities across Ireland, to consider providing all types of foster care,” says Smyth. “It could be respite care on weekends, even one weekend a month. It could be an emergency placement, or a longer-term placement for children and young people who cannot, for various reasons, live with their birth families.”
Meanwhile, seasoned foster carer Nicola urges people to consider taking in a child as it could make such a difference to their life. “If you have space, and time, and a little bit of room in your heart and in your mind and you want to make a positive difference to a child’s life, think about fostering,” she says.
“I would encourage anyone considering it to get in touch with other foster carers. There are branches, hubs and support groups, so go talk to them and to foster carers in your local area. Find out what the supports are like and get in touch. Don’t dismiss it, just think about it, because if you’ve considered it, then fostering is probably for you.”
- For more information on fostering, see fostering.ie or call freephone 1800-226771 to be connected with a social worker in your local area who can talk to you about what is involved and what might work for you
