ASK THE EXPERT: JOHN SHARRYanswers your parenting questions
Q
Our difficulty is with our six-year-old son, who is the middle of three children, with sisters younger and older than him. He is a very bright and charming boy, but has always been difficult to handle in terms of being very determined and stubborn about issues or behaviour that were important to him. This kind of behaviour has become increasingly easier as we can talk and explain more to him. The one area in which he is still totally resistant is toileting – and particularly wiping himself. I think I can safely say that we have tried everything (explaining it will make him sore/the damage to the environment from so much washing of his soiled clothes/being understanding/getting cross, etc) and simply now believe that he resists us for some reason we simply can’t fathom.
A
While children are usually successfully toilet trained by the age of three, full toilet hygiene may take a lot longer, especially with boys. Some children are in their first year of school or beyond before they learn to correctly wipe or clean themselves.
Before thinking of how to respond, the first thing to do is to take a moment to try to understand why your son might be resisting taking responsibility for cleaning himself. Is it something he does not know how to do correctly or something he finds uncomfortable? Is it because it is something he is not bothered doing and knows that you will take responsibility for it?
You might need to take a step back and take time to “re-teach” him how to correctly wipe himself as you might do with a younger child. Sit with him and clearly go over the steps, show him what he has to do and then observe him repeating the actions to make sure he clearly knows how to do it properly. In motivating him, it is important to realise that reasoning and explaining only goes so far with six-year-old children. Over-reasoning or arguing with him about the issue might make him dig his heels in further.
At the moment, it is you and not your son who is bothered by his behaviour; it is you and not him who experiences the consequences such as feeling embarrassed and having to clean his clothes, etc. In order to help him learn, you need to switch this around so he experiences consequences and he has some incentives to help him learn to take responsibility.
For example, you might do a chart with him, whereby he gets a star (or a small treat such as a jelly) each day when he goes to the toilet and cleans himself. Or you could also employ a mild consequence (such as putting his pants in the laundry and getting a clean pair) if he forgets. Being positive and clear as well as picking a reward that motivates your son (or a consequence he wishes to avoid) will all help him take responsibility.
Q
I have just ordered your book When Parents Separate: Helping Your Children Copeas my partner and I have gone our separate ways. I would like to bring our 10-year-old son to talk things out with a counsellor. Is this a service you provide or do you know who does?
A
I would think carefully before taking your child to a counsellor. While some children can benefit from counselling when their parents are separated, for some it can be unhelpful. This is especially the case if they are not ready to talk about their experiences or if they interpret going to counselling as indicating that they are somehow at fault for their parents’ difficulties.
Participating in a group programme, where the focus is on helping children cope, can sometimes be more beneficial for them, and they meet other children from separated families and gain the message that they are not alone. Some of these are run in schools and community centres such as the Rainbows courses (rainbowsireland.com) or other groups are run in therapeutic centres such as the Daughters of Charity Family Resource centres (docharity.net). Counselling can often be beneficial to older children and teenagers who make their own decision to attend such as the Teen Between service (teenbetween.ie).
However, what really helps children cope with separation is how their parents manage it. There are a lot of very positive things you can do to help your son such as keeping conflict with your partner to a minimum and making a decision to positively co-parent together. In addition, it is important to listen to your son’s individual needs and in the face of the stress of separation make sure to maintain the quality of your parenting.
Less obviously, it can really help to minimise disruptive changes for your child such as moving school, location or losing contact with grandparents or special friends. The more you support your son’s contact with friends, family and leisure pursuits that matter to him, the better.
It is important to remember that coming to terms with your parents’ separation is a long-term process, so it is important to periodically check in with your son to see how he is doing. Make sure to ask him at different times about the changes he has experienced. Be prepared to listen to his feelings and to accept any upset or anger about the separation in a non-defensive way. While at some point counselling might help, being able to communicate with you will help him the most in the long term.
There are lots of services for parents in this situation, some of which provide special courses on how to co-parent post separation such as One Family (onefamily.ie) or the marriage and relationship counselling service (mrcs.ie) or family mediation and other support services such as the Family Support Agency (fsa.ie). Do seek the support you need.
Dr John Sharry is a social worker and psychotherapist and director of Parents Plus charity. His website is solutiontalk.ie.
Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but John regrets that he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com