A FEW days ago I was chatting to the manager of a Fulham estate agency who was whinging about the whole "so-called" (her words) housing downturn.
Her theory was that it was just hacks with nothing better to do than spread a climate of gloom, something I've suggested in the past. But, curiously, discovering that my agent didn't result in the usual warm glow of approval that having people agree with me causes. It made me question my own sanity and, as if to help me reach a verdict on my mental stability, just two days later the Nationwide delivered its latest report: the biggest monthly drop in house prices in, gulp, 12 years.
There's really not much arguing with that, is there? (Although, curiously, last month the Nationwide also reported the sharpest house price growth for several months so perhaps its statisticians are just messing with our confidence.)
Mervyn King, governor of the Bank of England, joined in the chorus of doom by telling the House of Commons Treasury Committee that "in the UK, the consequences of [ turmoil in global financial markets] are difficult to assess and are likely to be evident first in the housing and commercial property markets".
But the Nationwide, as its name suggests, is a building society covering and lending to much of the country. The London market is still relatively unscathed by the slowdown - the real squeeze here seems to be in the unbelievably toppy prices paid for run-of-the-mill family homes in decentish areas which routinely reach the £1 million (€1.4 million) mark.
The flats and starter homes traditionally bought by first-timers, are now propped up by investors with hefty deposits and good leverage. But those family homes are less affordable and a more dicey proposition: get the area even slightly wrong (the local good school catchment boundary moving is the classic example) and the supply of family tenants dries up overnight.
And you can almost feel the bourgeois angst out there: the middle-ranking solicitors and doctors who have coupled up and stretched themselves over the past year or two to attain that three-bedroom Victorian (with potential for loft extension) in Crouch End or Battersea or Shepherds Bush and have gone from smug with their attainment to sick with worry in the space of three months.
Not so, the Masters of the Universe - the overseas oligarchs (and apparently Kazakhs are the new Russians...), hedge fund managers and international plutocrats - for whom mortgages matter as much as finding the reduced-to-clear shelves at the local Co-op. Estate agencies cockily report that the £5 million-plus sector is buoyant so that's yah boo to the rest of us.
As if to substantiate this claim, I received an e-mail from Quintessentially Estates last week. It is an offshoot of the "lifestyle management" firm, Quintessentially, that caters for the more demanding end of the over-moneyed spectrum: tasks have included finding four penguins to perform at a party and flying a plastic surgeon to St Tropez to apply a society doyenne's false eyelashes.
And, as you might imagine, its Estates branch prides itself on doing more than turning up, reeling off a few misspelled property details and taking a picture of the "amazing" kitchen-cum-diner. So, hurrah, for the truly unhinged clients who were so inspired by Damien Hirst's latest creation - a jewel encrusted skull called "For the Love of God" - that they decided to pay homage to his work by asking Quintessentially Estates to cover their doorknobs with gems. Although their lavishness knew some bounds - most of the door furniture was studded with Swarovski crystals at a mere £554 per door - for their two favourite rooms, only diamonds would do. To that end, each doorknob on their bedroom and reception room doors had 4,328 diamond pieces stuck to it at a cost of £20,000. A snip compared to Hirst's £50 million masterpiece but quite breathtakingly blingtastic nonetheless.
Celebrity name-drops have long been a part of property-selling in the capital. We've had everyone from ex-members of the Hollyoaks team to - least plausibly - Robert de Niro linked to new schemes in London. And the deal is straightforward - journos can't disprove these claims so it makes for a nice little item in their property round-up column and lends a bit of glam and publicity to an otherwise drab, little development.
But the latest rumour is slightly odd in that website ratandmouse.co.uk claims that Courtney Love hopes to relocate to Richmond. Quite who would benefit from this sort of publicity is a mystery - she is unlikely to add much cachet to the area. And it is hard to imagine the genteel folk of Richmond Green (her preferred area) embracing her notorious hellraising habits.
It's so unlikely - and there's no bigging up a particular house or development - it could just be true, in which case, there goes the neighbourhood. Sell now my TW9 investors, sell now!
If you're seeking a London pad near Heathrow airport then this could be the place for you.
Berkeley Homes is selling live/work apartments at its West 3 London Apartments development. which has a total of 350 studios, one, two and three-bedroom apartments and penthouses.
These include Courtyard Apartments that are one-bedroom live/work homes with workspace areas.
They also have space for a guest bed. An on-site business suite, with conferencing and office facilities, is designed to complement the work units.
These apartments are in a former Ministry of Pensions building that was designed in 1922 by James G West, the main architect of Whitehall.
Original features were kept during the conversion and include dramatic entrance halls, wide staircases and high ceilings.
As well as being eight miles from Heathrow, the apartments are also near to East Acton Underground Station (on the Central line).
Prices at West 3 London Apartments start at £420,000 (€592,000) for the Courtyard Apartments, and from £235,000 (€331,000) for a studio apartment.
Contact 0044 20 8811 2336, or visit www.west3londonapartments.co.uk.
