Dáil Sketch: Shocked of Drumcondra had another out-of-body experience yesterday, writes Miriam Lord.
This is where Bertie's inner Taoiseach becomes detached from the requirements of office and floats off to join the ordinary Joes. Miraculously transformed from leader of the country to innocent bystander, Bertie wrings his hands in despair and wonders what are we going to do, at all at all.
It's been a bad few days on the law and order front. Enda Kenny tried to put the gravity of the situation into its proper context. "While last weekend's weather was bad, it was even worse for crime on the streets." An odd comparison, to say the least. The weekend saw the murder of a young mother, the sexual assault of two little girls and the savage beating of an elderly priest. Dublin, Enda told the Dáil, has become "a 21st-century Dodge City". As Kenny outlined what appears to be an alarming escalation in incidences of violent crime and demanded to know what the Government is going to do about it, Bertie's inner Taoiseach slipped away from his body. By the time Enda sat down, Bertie Ahern had turned into Joe Soap.
What happened at the weekend was appalling, said Joe.
He continued: "All is we can do, what we have to do, the laws are there, the legislation is there giving the powers to deal with these criminals. The issue is to try to catch them and prevent them." Quite.
But fair is fair, added Joe Soap Ahern. "It's very difficult for the gardaí to be at every house, at every corner." Enda spoke of children who have to pass drug dealers and "kerb-crawlers" on their way to school. "You can buy a Glock, a hit, or a life for a few hundred euro," he railed.
Out of body Bertie began a rambling reply. Across the floor from him, Bernard Allen (FG) opened his mouth to say something, stopped and looked towards the heavens.
"There's too many murders. There's too many guns. I don't know what the price of a hit man is, whether it's huge or small, but there are too many hardened criminals at large." What's a Taoiseach to do? "We've told the gardaí, time and time again, that we're prepared to put in the resources," he sighed.
If only somebody could do something. "I agree these people need to be locked up, with lengthy sentences," sniffed ordinary bystander Ahern.
If out-of-body Bertie was in government, what would he do? "We have to clamp down very hard wherever we have serious crime like this." Very true, bystander Bertie. Any chance you might tell the Taoiseach? The Minister for Justice wasn't in the House to hear his boss tell the nation that there are too many criminals on the loose and something has to be done about it, and it's up to the gardaí to decide how.
He was recovering from his latest ladder-climbing escapade - this time up the side of a truck on Merrion Square, were he was launching a new PD poster campaign. Featuring a scary head and shoulders shot of McDowell, it trumpets the inspiring message: "The PDs Get Things Done". Speaking of which, the Government denied that Minister for the Environment Dick Roche was done by his own backbenchers over his adamant refusal to extend the date for correcting the electoral register. Because Dick, or should that be Duck, had to do a U-turn yesterday.
Or as he put it: "I decided to trigger the mechanism." Bad choice of words, under the circumstances.