Dáil Sketch/Miriam Lord:Less than a week since its big launch and The Bull's Grand Tour is already causing annoyance in the Dáil.
"I don't want you to find yourself in the same compromising position as you did last week in Cabinteely," declared a solicitous Brian Hayes, dripping concern for the Ceann Comhairle's honour. Fine Gael does not want The Bull's nationwide series of gigs to be a cause of scandal.
One might have thought that Deputy Hayes, the Blueshirt's former Infant Phenomenon, would know that life on the road is fraught with temptation for performers. For Brian, who has yet to attain his 40th year, would profess to be in touch with de young people. (He only seems older because he's been involved in politics and public speaking since he was two: setting up a branch of Young Fine Gael in his creche and opening an account with Louis Copeland when still in high babies.) And de young people like Brian know what goes on during headline showbiz tours. It's all sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll. Or in the case of the Ceann Comhairle's Education Tour, that could be amended to sex and drugs and ceremonial role.
Of course, we can only speculate as to the presence of the first two activities, looking at the available evidence. Slim, admittedly.
For starters, there was the "compromising position" in which he found himself last week with the Minister for Education Mary Hanafin. This was the Cabinteely incident. The Former Infant Phenomenon wouldn't elaborate on this. But it set minds racing on the gallery.
As for the drugs, The Bull has been very docile since his explosive first day in the chair. We have long suspected a hidden hand is doctoring his cattle nuts.
Meanwhile, his Oireachtas relevance roadshow has been playing to packed classrooms since last Thursday, whether his audience wants it or not. The Bull is preaching the word that politics is good and generally trying to encourage students to take an interest in the democratic process, and more particularly, the workings of the Dáil and Seanad.
But lest there be a repeat of the carry on in Cabinteely, Fine Gael wants the The Bull to be properly chaperoned for the rest of his year-long Parliamentary Education Programme roadshow.
Deputy Hayes felt yesterday that the Ceann Comhairle's office, as a matter of courtesy, should inform all relevant deputies of an impending visit by him to their constituency.
"I don't think it's acceptable that the Ceann Comhairle should be in one constituency promoting a piece of work that we all agree with, without other TDs from that constituency being there. For your own interest and in the interest of this House, can I ask that this become standard practice before the roadshow continues in other parts of the country?" The Bull agreed to this request. "The courtesy will be extended. But we won't be putting up any posters." This is a very important matter, insisted the FIP Hayes, anxious to avoid a situation where the Ceann Comhairle is found for a second time in a "compromising position." To prevent this happening, he should not be let out again in the sole company of Education Minister Mary Hanafin.
Next time he has a gig, the Ceann Comhairle will be forced to have his photograph taken with politicians from all sides.
In the coming months, when The Bull on tour starts throwing televisions out of classroom windows or driving his State car into swimming pools, all the local TDs will have the opportunity to get into the picture.
But what about the children in all this? It's the children we feel sorry for.