A significant number of outwardly successful people find social situations a nightmare. Feeling ill at ease in company is more common than you think.
It's amazing how many intelligent people compare their social skills unfavourably with those of their friends and colleagues. They fail to recognise that appearances are deceptive.
Many diffident people wear "social masks" that conceal their sense of inadequacy. They appear outwardly confident but if the truth were known they are so preoccupied with what they should say and with how others will react that they find it onerous to take part in any conversation.
If you assume others are more socially skilled than you, you will be fine-tuned to discover evidence to support that belief.
Our social masks are crafted from what we think is expected of us and from how we perceive the norms in our culture. Shyness is often concealed beneath a mask of sophisticated elegance.
A shy woman may look confident, yet feel intimidated and uneasy with colleagues. A man may appear to be cold and distant. When you get to know him you discover that his stern demeanour is the public persona he uses to conceal his shyness.
There is a widespread belief that professionally successful people must be full of confidence. They're not. Some are so tyrannised by anxiety that they have an inability to socialise.
Mary arrives at a party having made a big effort to deal with her fears. She is handed a drink and introduced to a group of people.
Looking at her you would never suspect that she is tongue-tied, silenced by her fear of what they might think of her. She listens politely. One of the group unsuccessfully tries to include her in the conversation.
Her monosyllabic replies make her sound as if she has no interest in participating. The fear of unfavourable judgment, "What will they think of me?" immobilises her.
The perception that one may be found wanting and rejected is an emotional response that creates painful anxiety and breeds a genuine fear of public humiliation.
People who suffer with poor self-esteem and low self-regard can know their fears are illogical. Understanding this at an intellectual level doesn't solve the problem or remove the fears they work so hard to hide.
To learn to cope in social situations you need to be willing to step outside your comfort zone and think in new ways. Life skills are learned. Confidence grows with positive experiences as you become proficient.
Social situations do not make you feel intimidated and filled with anxiety. It's not the event but how you think and what you believe about yourself that generates your feelings.
Eleanor Roosevelt summed it up beautifully when she said: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
When you have low self-regard and feel inferior you perceive that what others think is more important than what you think. When you allow your assumptions about what others think dictate how you feel, you dis-empower yourself.
Social skills are easily learned but require determination to use effectively. The first step in coping is to understand how your thinking contributes to the problem. Positive self-regard allows you to become healthily assertive. The willingness to use new skills in social situations takes more effort than some people are prepared to make. Long-standing patterns of behaviour are hard to break.
To unlock your potential to cope in any situation you need to believe in yourself. The ability to assert yourself is a state of mind, as well as a skill that improves with practice.
You can learn how to initiate a conversation. Being able to voice your opinion, even though it is emotionally difficult for you, is liberating.
Expect to feel fear when you begin to use an unfamiliar skill. Feel excited and ready. Admit that you're not a mind reader and challenge the negative assumptions you make about what others think.
To feel comfortable in social situations make a decision to realise your potential capacities. Nobody can make you feel inferior unless you consent. Only you can deprive yourself of the ability to feel self-assured, self-confident and secure.
Carmel Wynne is a life and business success coach; author of Coaching - The Key to Unlocking Your Potential, a master practitioner in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) and a psychotherapist. Series concluded.