ASK THE EXPERT:Children worry about how a new adult relationship will impact on them
MY BOYFRIEND and I met up again after 26 years. In that time he had been married for 26 years and separated and I had had a long-term relationship with my partner for 23 years that ended when he died. I've no kids of my own, but reared three of my late partner's from age three to 26.
My boyfriend has three kids, the youngest of whom was 18 when we got together. My boyfriend's children were all very happy for us to get together for the first two years but suddenly one day I ceased to exist for them.
The eldest son has emigrated to Australia, the next son is aged 23 and his youngest is his daughter aged 20. We do see her sometimes but she actually looks through me and will leave a room if I enter.
He has asked her what is the problem and she won't tell him. It makes family gatherings very awkward. Have you any ideas?
THERE ARE many issues to consider when two adults enter a relationship and there are children from previous relationships involved.
In your situation the "children" are in fact adults themselves and so, in theory, they should have greater capacity to understand and express their feelings about your relationship with their dad.
Of course, theory and reality can often be two very different things. In this situation it seems like your partner's daughter is either disconnected from her feelings or doesn't feel able to express them, despite being grown up.
I am going to assume that she isn't disconnected from her feelings but rather she is just choosing not to express them. Why might that be?
Lots of children worry about the impact a new adult relationship will have on their own reationship with their parent. Many fear a dilution of the love from their father or mother. Given that new intimate relationships can be all-consuming, it could well be the case that the new relationship is indeed significantly distracting the parent.
Another difficulty for children when their parent begins a new relationship is that it underlines the ending of the old relationship. So, in your case, your partner's children may in fact, suddenly have been hit by the reality of their own parents' separation and the fact that their dad and mum are no longer together.
In any situation of loss (and we can include separation very much in this) there is a period of shock where one can't quite believe that the loss (or separation) has actually occurred, despite all of the evidence in reality. That denial of the reality can last a long time and it may be in your situation that the denial lasted for two years.
The pain that then comes with the realisation of the loss can be massive and deeply felt. Alongside the despair and sadness that it can bring comes, often, anger. The anger is sometimes about the unfairness and injustice that the child (or adult in this case) has been left "without" one or other parent through no fault of their own.
If children want an outlet to express that anger then who better to direct it towards than the person whom they may perceive "stole" their father from their mother. In your situation, especially, I wonder if this may be the perception of your partner's children. Judging from the timings you give in your question your rekindling of a relationship with your partner seems to coincide closely with his separation. You may be being, belatedly, blamed.
It makes sense, too, that your partner's daughter would be reluctant to talk to him about whatever her reasons are for her dislike of, or distrust in, you.
If she is openly critical of you in any way then he may argue with, withdraw from, or punish her in some way for this. She risks jeopardising her relationship with her dad by complaining or expressing dissatisfaction with his life choices.
She may feel it is easier to be passively aggressive by ignoring you, because it is very hard for you or her dad to challenge her in a concrete manner in such a situation.
It is really helpful for you and your partner to remain supportive of each other, rather than turning blame on each other for the situation. Empathise with your partner's daughter and try, in a non-judgemental and non-inquisitorial manner, to let her know that you are willing to understand.
By making empathetic statements, rather than asking questions, there is less pressure on her to respond. Hopefully she will feel your understanding even if she continues not to react to you and this understanding may lead in time to some healing of the rift that is there.
Often times, simply by acknowledging the difficulties and emotions involved, we free ourselves and our children, even adult ones.
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author and broadcaster with RTÉ television. You can also listen to him on the Moncrieff Showevery Wednesday at 3pm on Newstalk 106-108.
• Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement @irish-times.ie