The Last Straw: Sure, most people would have welcomed it. But the prospect of what Bertie Ahern calls "final closure" in the peace process would have been a disaster for us journalists. Happily, closure was averted at the last minute, thanks to renewed investment from the main shareholders.
Otherwise it could have been a grim Christmas for the workforce. Imagine the trauma of our families as we broke the terrible news: "Honey, there's peace in Ireland." A generation of journalists has spent so long learning how to tell an "impasse" from a "logjam" that the thought of a future where these skills are not required is frightening. We even think in peace process jargon now. So the mood was sombre in Belfast's Waterfront Hall (with its floor-to-ceiling windows of opportunity) on Wednesday, as we heard Bertie describe how perilously close we had come to an agreement.
Many of us believed the arrival of Ian Paisley in the boardroom had secured our jobs for another 10 years at least. But it seems that not even the Donald Trump of conflict creation can guarantee our long-term viability. Through the windows behind Bertie we could see the cranes of Harland and Wolff - another once-flourishing business ruined by peace. And while they haven't achieved final closure in the shipyards, either, the parallels were sobering.
Another threat facing journalists employed in the peace process is the chronic shortage of fresh breakdown metaphors. There was nothing wrong with Tony Blair's mountaineering image, which had the parties taking a breather before the final assault on the (Anglo-Irish) summit. But seasoned talks-watchers could have joined the chorus at this point, like the Von Trapp family: "Climb every mountain/ Ford every stream (but watch out for logjams!)/ Follow every rainbow/ Till you find your dream." "Logjam", "stalemate" and "deadlock" are now all listed terms, their use strictly regulated. Unfortunately there's a global shortage of new, sustainable sources of metaphor. You'd think the theme of photographs would have provided us with headlines for months to come: "Provos framed for something they didn't do"; "Unionists in the dark, awaiting developments", etc. But digital technology has robbed this of its potential. I myself used a line this week about Sinn Féin and the DUP exchanging "negatives". And even as I did, I was haunted by the knowledge that negatives are all but redundant. So are many journalists, unless we all pull back from the brink to which the governments have brought us.
We've already lost Bewleys. Are we going to stand by and watch the peace process close as well? At least Bewleys staff had marketable skills.
Short of redeployment in the Middle East, veteran northern journalists face the dreaded prospect of retraining. It's a slim hope. But maybe even at this late stage, the heritage bodies will step in and buy the peace process, securing its future. After all, it's part of what we are.
ELSEWHERE THIS WEEK, in an exciting - but not unrelated - educational development, the Daily Telegraph reported a new qualification in "wheel clamping". The 30-hour course will soon be compulsory in Britain for anyone "seeking a career in vehicle immobilisation". Surely an Irish course can't be far off.
The good thing about the British one is that, as well as basic clamping techniques, students will be taught the "history of vehicle immobilisation" and "conflict management". The struggle between motorists and the clamping movement has been a bitter one, and clearly the course designers have learned from the peace process. You can't hope to resolve disputes over clamping without understanding the causes that led certain men and women to believe they had no option but to park in a loading bay.
Anyway, if the worst comes to the worst and peace is confirmed, a career in vehicle immobilisation is one option for laid-off northern specialists. The only unfamiliar term in the wheel-clamping course is something called "active listening". This is part of the conflict management module, but I don't know what it means exactly (presumably it's different from the kind of listening you do at an Ian Paisley press conference, which is mostly passive).
That aside, journalists know all the language already. The job would be second nature. After some active listening to motorists' grievances, we would move on to passive talking. We would impress upon the motorists the futility of engaging in the politics of condemnation. We would urge everybody to remain calm. And we would say - and we would say this very clearly! - that we all have a part to play, including those of us in the clamping community, if we're going to move this vehicle forward.
