I awoke from recent slumber to the scud-like thud of a large envelope marked 'Personal'. Unusually for personal correspondence it was bulky and wrapped in plastic. The package included a mass-circular as well as a handbook, a pocket guide to banking and a glossy magazine simply called Breathe. Suitably flattered by such extravagant attention I was eager to find why the Bank of Ireland was reaching out to me. The fact-sheet reminded me how exciting last year got when the company "completed its innovative '100 Steps to Better Banking' programme".
Thanks to one of those ground-breaking steps for example "cards are no longer swallowed by ATMs". The other 99 were presumably just as momentous.
Way to better banking
The gist of this personalised circular was to announce the way forward to banking via ATM, telephone or internet. The master plan is to relieve you from battling into a crowded branch, filling out forms with bank biros that never work, standing in line for pressurised part-time tellers while some customer service attendant smiles vacantly in corporate abandon. In effect, this new deal turns banking into self-service. But even where you do all the administrative work yourself, you pay the same charges for each unassisted transaction.
Paying for self-service? Now that, as the jingle goes, is what I call "Better Banking!"
The cover of Breathe features a pretty girl going through what looks like yoga relaxation techniques. This may be a useful tip for the next time you find yourself queuing out the door of some understaffed branch. Just sit on the floor, make a circle between thumb and forefinger and, well, breathe.
But that's for the future. The immediate plan is to keep you out of the bank altogether and get you doing business by phone.
Flicking through 22 glossy pages I was delighted to get to know some of the customer service agents likely to be at the other end of the line.
Warm-hearted pen-pictures offer key insights into those assisting your banking needs. And what a happy, smiling bunch! Like Angela, who "loves to shop", Patricia (who recently took up painting), Linda ("a keep-fit fanatic"), May ("a bit of a mermaid" apparently), James (who just hates getting up in the morning), Denise (who simply loves her golden retriever, Sammy), Linda (who likes video and popcorn), Agnes (who loves "walks by the seaside").
It's particularly reassuring to know there are such enthusiastic but well-balanced assistants on call. What's more, you never have to meet them.
Customer horoscope
As a bonus Breathe also features a horoscope for customers. This must be what new banking is all about. Librans, you see, "find financial matters boring" while Pisceans "rarely worry about money". Is this relevant you might wonder? Of course! According to the zodiac both these signs are perfectly suited to B o I's direct debit service. It's in the stars, Joxer!
On the other hand Cancerians "actually enjoy budgeting", Arians "should consider setting up a standing order" and Taureans make "excellent financial managers". But it's Capircornians who take the biscuit. "Goats are the money experts of the zodiac and are well-known for their prudence in the financial area," explains the horoscope.
This is useful banking advice.
Almost overwhelmed by such stellar assistance I was reminded of the bank's last earthly initiative. My branch in Dorset Street closed down. Cast as an extra in a blockbuster of bold progress Dorset Street got dumped along with northside branches in Clontarf, Stoneybatter, Howth, not to mention many outside Dublin - Ballybricken, Lifford, Foxford, Lisdoonvarna and over 50 others facing the chop.
While I might have taken this to be a diminution of service a B o I customer service expert advised of the error of my ways. Closing Dorset Street means improved service she smiled and what's more, most people are in favour of the move.
Customer accounts would switch to a more convenient location half-a-mile down the road - 850 steps to better banking - where staff in Drumcondra were ready to meet all the new faces.
Old-fashioned
Call me old-fashioned but I don't have the same enthusiasm for queuing at the not-so-local local branch. Amid staff cuts and branch closures last year pre-tax profits at B o I were up 18 per cent. Selling off more branches may buoy up the company share price, but there's a growing feeling that customers don't count. Profit before service, if you like. Not that Allied Irish Bank is any different. Under its impressively titled "Branch Reconfiguration Programme" AIB has closed 40 branches since 1997. That's 40 and counting with comparable tales of disruption and abandonment.
Of course the option was to move business elsewhere and I did. For convenience sake I left one account with Bank of Ireland and so remained on their mailing list. Had I not received a tome of glossy advice in a big personal letter you could forgive me for thinking it didn't care. Now I can breathe more easily and having carefully considered the zodiac intend to engage a goat as my financial consultant.