Fine Gael's lack of microeconomic policies means we're going to get to know Tina a lot better before the general election, writes Marc Coleman
I've never been a great one for introductions myself. But after last week's kerfuffle involving John Deasy and Damien English, I feel compelled.
Over the next few months a young lady is going to make your acquaintance and she's important, so I'll do the honours now. Her name is Tina. I'll tell you more about her later. Before I do, I need to introduce my introduction by saying a little more about what happened in Fine Gael last week.
And before I do that, I have to introduce the introduction to my introduction: to say the economy will dominate the next election isn't being quite accurate. The economy has delivered growth and plenty of tax revenues. What it has failed to deliver is what economists refer to as the microeconomy.
More particularly, the question will arise as to why, after 10 years of prosperity, we have the highest cost of living this side of Beverly Hills and the worst public service this side of Burkina Faso.
Never mind Boston versus Berlin, Ireland is unique among European countries in having turned one of the world's most advanced first-world economies into a dysfunctional housing market, a third-world transport system and a health service that is over-priced and under-performing.
To paraphrase Bill Clinton's former political adviser James Carville, it's the microeconomy stupid.
Having urged the Government to introduce more competition in utility markets, the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development, the International Monetary Fund and other international commentators have stood back aghast as the Government has done quite the opposite: rather than challenging the ESB's power in the market, the Government's Green Paper on energy is well-placed to copperfasten it.
Instead of greeting competition in the health insurance market, the Government has punished competition and verbally abused Bupa for trying to do what all good businesses try to achieve - profit.
As for broadband penetration, Ireland's record in this area is a global joke.
Turning to the public sector, the Irish transport system treats its customers with utter contempt, herding them into overcrowded trains with no regard for punctuality.
And as for the health service, the Government persists in allowing those who provide it to have a far greater say in how it is run compared to the poor suckers who pay for it and rely on it.
Which brings us to last week's events concerning the Fine Gael party.
Now, you might expect me to say that the diaper duo were wrong to distract attention from Fine Gael's election campaign by their antics. If so, you'd be wrong.
Far from staying silent, Fine Gael's election pitch has been crying out for cogent criticism for some time. Instead of coming up with credible details about microeconomic reform, Fine Gael's line on most of the above issues has been: "We'll do something about what's wrong, but we won't tell you what just yet."
Aside from insulting the electorate's intelligence, it displays a fickleness that is unfit for government - the very same fickleness that the present Government possesses and which has led to the paralysis in our health and transport systems.
Worse still, Fine Gael opposed reforms of the licensing laws that would have improved our drinking culture as well as giving consumers in commuter belt ghost towns the chance of walking to a pub. Like its position on the Groceries Order, it was raining soup and Fine Gael was holding out a fork.
Which all brings us closer to the nub of Fine Gael's tragedy. Young as they are - 39 and 28, respectively - Deasy and English represent a new generation of voters who have most to be angry about.
Priced out of the property market in Dublin, this demographic group is most likely to suffer long commutes from dormer towns where failure of the transport system and lack of broadband hits them most. Being of an age when people socialise most, they had most to gain from reform of pub licences.
And being of an age when people most need to shop in convenience stores, they had most to gain from reform of the Groceries Order.
This generation is also more idealistic and less cynically pragmatic than preceding generations. As such, the issue of banning drift-net salmon fishing was the type of environmental issue with which Fine Gael could have taken the initiative. Did it? Like hell it did. On these - as on so many other issues - the Fine Gael stance was one of craven cowardice in the face of vocal minorities.
As if to show just why it hasn't been elected to government in 25 years, Fine Gael set out to out-Fianna Fáil the Fianna Fáil party with cute hoorness. Not only did it fail miserably, but it proved that there is only one difference between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael: at least Fianna Fáil is cute.
And here is the tragedy. When they attacked their party leader, did Deasy and English have the wit to stand on cogent policies? Did they take a courageous stand for their generation, a generation whose interests are consistently ignored by the political system? Did they point out that with the youngest parliamentary party in the Dáil, Fine Gael was ideally placed to appeal to younger voters?
Did they take issue with the fact that despite being one of the rainbow coalition's best advertisements, Richard Bruton's deserved aspiration to become finance minister looks like being sacrificed on the altar of coalition deal-making? Did they hell.
Their opposition to Kenny was as uninspiring as the Fine Gael party itself. Fine Gael can't even base its party squabbles on issues that matter to the rest of us.
And finally that introduction I promised you. As well as being a lady's name, Tina stands for something else: There Is No Alternative. As long as Fine Gael continues in its present vein, she's Bertie Ahern's new best friend.