"And so the lawn prepares to make its exit," said George Hamilton. "Here are the hedgehogs, 380 in number - they all have a piece of turf on their heads," spotted Barry Davies.

If these had been radio commentaries you'd be fairly certain George and Barry were under the influence of an illegal substance, but, luckily, we saw the walking lawn and hedgehogs with turf hats with our own eyes.

God, don't you just love opening ceremonies? Yesterday's, at the Stade de France, took le biscuit. It was quite the most . . . what's the word . . . interesting we are ever likely to see. And profound too. I think.

"The significance of this will become apparent shortly," promised Davies after we witnessed humans, dressed as orange, red, purple and green insects, releasing 500 pollen balloons from the bottoms of their pants in to the air.

We waited. And waited. And waited some more but, other than making the Stade de France a no-go area for hay-fever sufferers, the significance of this piece of theatre escaped us entirely. "Weird and wonderful," said George, and you couldn't disagree.

The Brazilians in the crowd seemed nonplussed by the spectacle, but then they have that carnival in Rio every year so they're used to this class of thing. Green hedgehogs with pieces of turf on their heads are, however, a rare sight in the pre-match entertainment at Dumbarton's Boghead Park.

"I could have sworn I just saw a purple and yellow bumble bee jumping up and down on a trampoline to the accompaniment of a throbbing samba beat," one of Craig Brown's Tartan Army was allegedly heard to have said just after a purple and yellow bumble bee began jumping up and down on a trampoline to the accompaniment of a throbbing samba beat. "That's it, I'm off the brew Jimmy," he was heard to vow.

Over at the BBC Des Lynam and his pals were set up in a rooftop studio overlooking the Place de la Concorde, a studio that looked remarkably like a conservatory, complete with wicker furniture and a coffee table.

`Smart, casual, no ties' seemed to be the dress code - Des, Alan Hansen and Jimmy Hill wouldn't have looked out of place in the cast of Brideshead Revisited. David Ginola turned up in jeans but he still smouldered like few can smoulder although, it has to be said, he appeared to be on another planet for most of the afternoon.

Meanwhile back at the Place de la Montrose, Bill O'Herlihy, Johnny Giles, Niall Quinn and Andy `to be fair' Townsend had set up shop on the set of Winning Streak, or so it seemed. Back at the Beeb Davies was rattling on about some fella who was beheaded in Saint-Denis in the third century and "walked with his head in his hand to the local cemetery". Which is what the contingent of Scottish supporters, who sang their way through FIFA president Joao Havelange's address to the crowd, might be doing soon. Joao isn't known for his sense of humour. Bad move lads (we're talking a possible 20-year ban from international competition for Scotland here).

Then a 13-year-old girl read out "The Footballers' Charter", which included the line: `Leave your bad temper behind in the dressing room.' David Batty may as well go home now.

Time for the national anthems. Brazil seemed to get the 12 inch version of theirs, it went on for a while. Then there was the amusing sight (and sound) of a French choir singing Flower of Scot- land, and that line about sending Edward's army home "tae think again". And then the maddest thing happened. A football match started. And Brazil scored after only four minutes. After six the Scottish supporters began singing `we'll support you ever more', so you knew they were in serious trouble.

Despair. Penalty. Hope. John Collins steps up. Gooooal. Seventeen minutes to go. Scottish own goooooal. "Oh, it's cruel, it's so, so cruel, but how often has it been their story," Davies groaned.

Highs And Lows

"Jim Leighton, a remarkable character - made his debut back in the autumn of 1982 against East Germany . . . who would have thought that he'd last longer than the country." BBC's Barry Davies.

Re Scotland's penalty - Johnny Giles: "I've no doubt it was a penalty." Des Lynam: "There's no way was that a penalty." Jimmy Hill: "Whether it was a penalty or not doesn't matter in a way, because it was given."

Re Brazil's goalkeeper - Alan Hansen: "Brazil are great going forward, terrfic, but their goalkeeper is an absolute dodgepot." Jimmy Hill: "It doesn't take a genius to see that their goalkeeper is slightly suspect." Alan: "Thank you very much."

On Ronaldo's moment of brilliance in the first half - Barry Davies: "Look at the eyes . . . look at the balance . . . look at the brilliance . . . aah . . . goodness me."