The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’
Before she falls asleep in the nursing home, she whispers a secret in my ear
‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’
I’m absolutely sure I wrapped the Christmas lights last year, and didn’t just fock them into the same box
‘Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above Santa’s pay grade?’
Honor goes, ‘Don’t worry – it’s just our mother looking for likes from strangers again’
Sorcha goes, ‘I make no apologies for saying it, Honor. You are a danger to democracy’
Honor’s like, ‘You compared me to Donald Trump’
‘When they see the copper, the triplets think it’s about them gobbing on the cauliflower and turmeric latte crowd - which I’m not even sure is a crime’
There’s a Gorda cor bent around a lamppost and people are standing around looking shocked. Who could be responsible for this cornage?
‘We’ve no idea what caused the fire. And we’re sticking to that story’
Sorcha is flirting with the fireman while the focking house is on fire, but there’ll be focking war if she finds out about the fireworks
‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: JP is running the marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, but Honor’s telling runners they’re out of their focking minds
‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’
The old man is depressed about the closure of his favourite restaurant, and Hennessy is looking like a kid whose favourite toy is broken and he’s waiting for a grown-up to fix it for him
JP is staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account
The goys are up in orms that I used to send them chicken feathers anonymously in the post after lousy displays. But I was their captain
‘A threesome?’ Sorcha goes. ‘Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?’
Yeah, no, I’ve badly misjudged this one. She’s actually talking about having another baby
‘Things have changed since you were at school, Sorcha,’ the old man goes. ‘We recognise that traditional media is our enemy now’
Hennessy, the old man and Honor are sitting around the island, looking as thick as thieves. Which is exactly what they are
The competition gets under way. The entrants are each told to remove a sock and put it in the pint glass in front of them
Oisinn is feeling old as he shows up to compere the UCD Iron Stomach Contest, but his exploits in the competition are still legendary on campus 23 years on
‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’
Sorcha is making unfounded allegations that my old man and Honor are in cahoots over the closed-bids system for the school skiing trip
The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve possibly spoiled our daughter over the years, having decided very early on to give her absolutely everything she wants out of fear of the hurtful things she might say to me
A lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case Leo carries around with him like a Chicago gangster
Leo’s teacher stares at me silently. She’s clearly never met a father like me before