‘Only cheat with someone who’s married. It’s the principle of mutually assured destruction’
It’s Valentine’s Day (or so she tells me), and Sorcha says she wants to spice things up
‘I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time’
The old dear is in the deep end, treading water. I’m like, ‘Hey, how the hell are you?’ She goes, ‘I’m wonderful, Ross! Are you getting in?'
When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’
On her wedding day, Tina tells me that Ro calls the day I knocked on their door ‘the luckiest day of his life’
The dude goes, ‘The famous Rosser, what?’ looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Ronan’s mum, Tina, has a new fiance, but here’s the big shocker – the dude plays rugby
‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me
As I greet her at arrivals after her trip to St Moritz, it’s clear from her face that things haven’t gone well
‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’
As head girl of Mount Anville, Honor is leading the sixth-year skiing trip to St Moritz – and turning a tidy profit in the process
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’
After his old dear tells Ross that he has an unknown sibling, Ross raises the topic with his father on New Year’s Eve
Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and an espresso in the other, grinning at us like a serial killer
She’s preparing a 15-bird roast for her old pair the week before Christmas, and I can already feel the tension coming off her
The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’
Before she falls asleep in the nursing home, she whispers a secret in my ear
‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’
I’m absolutely sure I wrapped the Christmas lights last year, and didn’t just fock them into the same box
‘Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above Santa’s pay grade?’
Honor goes, ‘Don’t worry – it’s just our mother looking for likes from strangers again’
Sorcha goes, ‘I make no apologies for saying it, Honor. You are a danger to democracy’
Honor’s like, ‘You compared me to Donald Trump’
‘When they see the copper, the triplets think it’s about them gobbing on the cauliflower and turmeric latte crowd - which I’m not even sure is a crime’
There’s a Gorda cor bent around a lamppost and people are standing around looking shocked. Who could be responsible for this cornage?
‘We’ve no idea what caused the fire. And we’re sticking to that story’
Sorcha is flirting with the fireman while the focking house is on fire, but there’ll be focking war if she finds out about the fireworks
‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: JP is running the marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, but Honor’s telling runners they’re out of their focking minds