Money is a common cause of conflict in relationships. In the first flushes of love, you want those weekend restaurant brunches to go on forever. Roll on six months and you’re concerned what their €9-a-day latte habit could mean for your future.
Financial compatibility is in the top 10 most important factors when it comes to seeking a romantic partner, according to one bank study. Being good with money is more important than physical looks, or even a joint desire to have children, according to a poll of 2,000 British adults on behalf of banking group NatWest.
When it comes to a potential mate’s bank balance, it’s not so much how big it is, as what they do with it. Almost half of respondents said they’d consider calling it quits if their partner prioritised going out over financial stability, or if poor saving habits meant they couldn’t buy a home.
Hitching your wagon to someone too tight by your reckoning, or too quick to spend can lead to friction. At worst, it can mean serious financial consequences for you, including an expensive detangling or divorce. Here’s how to protect yourself, and stay in love.
Look at discretionary spend
It takes up to six dates before couples are comfortable talking about their finances, according to the NatWest study. For one in 10, money is never something you should talk about.
Whether you talk about money or not, the early stages of a relationship can hold plenty of clues. Discretionary spending in particular will highlight differences.
“Booking a hotel for a weekend away can reveal a lot,” says Helen Brown, an IACP-accredited therapist who works with couples and individuals. “One person will be happy with a place for €100 a night, the other always books five-star with a pool and a spa.”
Neither of you is wrong, says Brown, but be curious about each other’s approach and talk about it.
Getting serious?
Moving in, having a baby, buying a home or marrying someone all bring legal and financial obligations. Before taking the next step, have “the talk”, says family law solicitor Avril Mangan of Mangan & Company solicitors.
“The first thing people should be doing, and they don’t do it, is talk about money,” says Mangan. “People are really weird about money. They don’t talk about how much they earn or what they have in savings. If you are planning on sharing a life with someone and there is no transparency between you, then that’s a big red flag.”
If you are finding it difficult to have these conversations yourselves, visit a financial adviser, a family law practitioner or a therapist, says Mangan.
“It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with your relationship, it’s just about understanding the financial consequences of being in a relationship.”
Pairings where spending habits differ aren’t necessarily doomed, says Mangan.
“If you do want it to work, if it’s the person you want to spend your life with but there is an incompatibility with money, going to a couples therapist is money well spent,” says Mangan.
She describes one couple who agreed ground rules before taking the next step. “They were going into the marriage where she had hundreds of thousands in savings. He was a spender – the new car, holidays, lunches and coffees. He had debts and she was saying, ‘This isn’t fair’.
“If he bought another coffee, there was a row. It got petty. That’s when they went for therapy. They went into their marriage and it was very clear – she backed off on the coffees and he stopped the mad, ‘I see it, I buy it’.
Protect yourself
The average age of marriage has increased significantly in recent decades. For brides married in 2022, the average age was 35.4 while for grooms it was 37.4, according to CSO figures. The average age for males in same-sex marriages was 39.4, while for females in same sex marriages, it was 38.2.
Individuals may have accumulated savings, pension or a property by this age. Some may have received an inheritance by the time they form a long-term partnership. Some may have a child from a previous coupling, or have accumulated debts.
Being in a serious relationship with someone who has debts could put you on the hook for those debts.
Mangan gives the example of a couple who decided to remain financially separate when they first started cohabiting in a home owned by the woman.
“He was in a business partnership that was uncoupling at the time. The couple fully knew each other, but she didn’t want to become in any way liable for any fallout from his business relationship,” says Mangan.
“If they had bought a house together, or if her house went in their joint names, then potentially the house could have been at risk to any bad debts of his business partnership. There could have been a judgment mortgage against the house. But by it being in her sole name, she was protected from that,” says Mangan.
Couples’ goals
Don’t just talk about your bank balances, couples should talk about how they foresee a shared future, too.
“I’m amazed at some of the younger couples I meet. They will sit down and write out their individual goals for the year and their couples’ goals – I think it’s an Instagram thing, but it can breed good communication and conversation,” says Helen Brown.
“In future, do you want any children to be privately educated, do you imagine us moving to a nicer area or a bigger house, where do you imagine us holidaying,” says Brown.
Unmet expectations are a huge source of friction. “Anything that is dashing your expectations is difficult,” says Brown.
Ask each other about your financial goals, advises Brown. “Would you like us to focus on paying down debt like a mortgage, or do you want us to spend our money on travel? Do you want us to do up the house, or is going out to dinner and gigs more important.”
Be clear about who your partner is too, says Mangan. “Some lads are used to big trips, off to Vegas for their 40th – know that if you are going to marry a ‘lad’, there is stuff that comes with that,” says Mangan. “A ‘Cath Kidston’ wife will have expectations too and there is nothing wrong with any of that, but just be clear about what you are getting.”
Moving in together
Moving in together means things are going in the right direction. Where one or both of you own the property, signing a cohabitation agreement can provide transparency and protection.
A cohabitation agreement is legally binding and sets out how the property is owned – so if you buy a property together and one of you puts in €100,000 and the other puts in €200,000, that is documented, says Mangan.
What happens if the relationship breaks down, or one of you dies and arrangements for children can also be covered by the agreement.
For some cohabiting couples, the house they share is owned by just one of them. People can be shocked that their partner can acquire rights to the property, says Mangan.
If you are living with someone for two years with a child, or five years if there are no children, and you are not married, if the relationship breaks down and they are deemed to be a qualified cohabitant, they can have rights that are akin to spousal rights.
If you have a cohabitation agreement, it will set out what happens when you break up. It can be as simple as saying you both contract out of the 2010 legislation, but if you don’t contract out, you are in it, says Mangan.
For a cohabitation agreement, both partners must get independent legal advice.
Prenup?
Prenuptial agreements are becoming more common in Ireland, even where couples aren’t mega-wealthy, says Mangan.
She regularly receives inquiries from individuals about how to protect assets acquired before they met their partner. People who anticipate an inheritance from parents may want to protect it.
A prenup is based on the full disclosure of things like salary, savings and property by both parties and puts all the cards on the table before marriage. How you will manage your money, whether you wish to have children will be flushed out, too.
Prenups aren’t enforceable in Ireland, but they can be used to show the intention of parties, says Mangan. If a marriage breaks down relatively quickly and there are no children, the court is more likely to take a prenup into account, she says.
“It is always very surprising, as a family law specialist, how many couples never discuss these fundamental aspects of their relationship before getting married,” says Mangan.
Generally, only assets acquired after the marriage will be deemed joint marital assets in the agreement. Any sole property received by either party will remain their sole property, so long as it remains in the owner’s sole name. In the case of divorce, regardless of a prenup, courts will have to ensure that proper provision is made for both parties and dependent children.
Compromise
Last year, there were 21,159 marriages in Ireland and 5,218 applications for divorce. Understanding and being comfortable with each other’s approach to money before things get serious can save heartache.
Attitudes to money are ingrained from childhood and are unlikely to shift, says Brown. Don’t bet that your partner will change.
“If you have a partner for whom buying a sofa or a kitchen on a payment plan is anathema to them, that attitude is unlikely to change. It doesn’t mean you won’t get that sofa, but their feelings about it won’t change. Your partner may never be comfortable with that,” says Brown.
Some couples will rehearse the same argument for years, unless they can compromise, she says.
“I may say to you, I don’t want to spend that kind of money, however, I recognise it might make you very happy, so I’m willing to compromise. That’s the most important thing in all aspects of a relationship, including in financial behaviour.”
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