Within an hour of Jes Staley being confirmed as the head of Barclays, he had fired off a 600-word email to his 132,000 new underlings introducing himself and telling them what he proposes to do with the "iconic" bank when he joins next month. Within minutes of the message being posted online, I pounced on it, sure that I would enjoy it very much indeed.

This American financier comes from my alma mater, JP Morgan, which as well as turning out some of the world's top bankers, also has form in turning out some of its dodgiest pieces of communication. The late Jimmy Lee was a guff giant: in 2003, as vice-chairman, he sent an email ordering everyone in corporate finance to "take the time today to call a client and tell them you love them".

Yet, at first sight, Mr Staley seems to have composed something relatively sensible. In it, he makes no declaration of love. Neither does he pretend, as do most newly elected chief executives, to feel humble. Instead, his emotional display is fitting for a man who has just landed a high-profile job, earning up to £8.25 million a year. He says he is “excited”, “honoured” and “eager to get started”.

What follows is a little light on personality, with its flat cry of “We will work together to realise . . . potential”, but at least there is none of the “go-to” bank nonsense peddled by his predecessor.

“My ambition is to restore Barclays to its rightful standing – successful, admired and well-regarded by all,” Mr Staley says. This is simple, clear and, even though points two and three are the same, it does sound vaguely sincere. At least, more so than what follows. “My respect for the critical role which regulators play is unequivocal.” But I am inclined to forgive him as, given everything, a bit of sweet talking in that direction cannot hurt.

It is only when he gets to the meat of the memo that his language defaults to pomposity and ugliness: “We will complete the necessary transformation and repositioning of the Investment Bank to a less capital intensive model.”

Yet even here, I excuse him, as I bet he did it on purpose. One of the beauties of jargon is to make you sound extra serious when you are making an important announcement.

The v-word

Overall, I would have given him six out of 10 for his memo, were it not for two inexcusable uses of the v-word. “There can be no retreat from becoming a values-driven organisation,” he insists.

I am afraid there can. Indeed, there can – and will – be constant retreat from it, as no one really knows what a values-driven organisation is. Mr Staley's predecessor was pretty hot on the general idea but all Antony Jenkins achieved with his RISES acronym (respect, integrity, service, whatever, whatever) was make himself a laughing stock. Such publicly spouted values, as I wrote a couple of weeks ago, are not the best way to be admired and well-regarded by all.

Worse than what he had to say about values plural was about value in the singular.

Trust, he said, was “the key to unlocking shareholder value”. This, surely, is false. Trust, though clearly important to the business in general, will not alone butter many parsnips. It is hellishly difficult ever to work out where big banks make their money, but last week’s poor numbers and tumbling share price suggest Barclays’ problem is not lack of trust; it is exchange rates, ringfencing costs, tax, expenses and so on.

But what really jars is not the falsity but the cliché “unlocking shareholder value”. This is the favourite phrase of the Barclays chairman, John McFarlane, who never makes any announcement about the bank without declaring himself devoted to delivering/unlocking/creating shareholder value, so it is not surprising he has recruited a chief executive with the same conversational tic.

What I assume both men mean is that they want the bank to make more money and its share price to go up. By using the word “value” they hope to make big profits sound more, well, valuable, a thing to be esteemed rather than regulated down to size.

Bogus concept

Alas, it does not work. Value is not only bogus as a concept, it is vague. Sometimes it means return on capital, sometimes earnings per share and sometimes a rising share price.

If Mr Staley wants to build my trust, he could start using the words “money” and “profit” a bit more. He could stop delivering value – or delivering anything at all as there is nothing to put in a van.

And if he wants to unlock something, he can do that with a key on December 1st in his office in Canary Wharf. Though on second thoughts, if trust is key, there is no call for a real key to unlock an office door built to keep the rest of the world out. – (Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2015)