As a linguist, Tannen records and analyses conversations without making any judgments or giving advice.She thinks that there's some comfort for mothers and daughters in at least gaining insight into the linguistic traps that catch them time and time again.

The most important thing to remember, she says, is that nobody hears words in the same way. You may think that you're being absolutely clear, but your daughter will not hear the words in the way you meant them. That's guaranteed.

The same thing operates between men and women in intimate relationships, territory that Tannen famously explored in a previous book, You Just Don't Understand, which spent four years on the New York Times best-seller list.

"Every relationship is an ambivalent one. The key for the mother and the daughter is in reframing their understanding of what they think the other person has said. By reframing, you can realise that words can mean more than one thing. If you know your intentions are good and you are amazed that your words are perceived as critical, it's useful to remember that you are not right and they are not wrong."

One option, when your words are misinterpreted, is to simply ask, "please tell me, what did you hear me say?"

Mothers need to hold on to the fact that they wanted to be supportive and helpful, while daughters need to find ways not to set themselves up for broken-record conversations. Some mothers and daughters take the heat out of arguments through laughter. Others will say, "I know you mean to be helpful and that your intentions are good, but I'm going to dress the way I like. I want to look forward to seeing you, so can we agree that when we meet, we won't talk about my clothes?"

Mothers of teenage daughters need to understand that their own insecurities re-emerge as they see their own daughters grappling with adolescence, but that doesn't mean that your daughter is you. The closer a mother and daughter are, the more likely the mother is to experience a dramatic rejection. Learning how to give your daughter space and not trying to solve her problems for her, while still appearing to care, is also important.