Here we are again: those happy days when we come together with the ones we love to bond over Pictionary, destroy our fillings on toffee-flavoured lumps of plumber’s sealant masquerading as confectionery, and share our views on the big issues in a spirit of mutual respect and understanding.
Yeah, right.
As part of our annual peace-keeping initiative, here’s our guide to 2017’s family conversation killers. In no particular order, these are the topics you’ll want to avoid if you’d like your days to be merry and bright.
On the other hand, if you prefer your family gathering with a side of seething rage and a generous serving of passive aggression, come on in, pull up a stool and start taking notes.
1. Pope Francis’s 2018 visit to Ireland
The opener
"The only good thing to happen to Ireland in the 1970s was John Paul's visit. We didn't get a lift like that again until Italia '90. I wouldn't miss Pope Francis coming for all the flame-retardant man-made fibres in Penneys. And what I'm most looking forward to is the fact that you'll all be there in the Phoenix Park alongside me."
The comeback
“You must be joking. I don’t begrudge the man his holidays, but let’s call this what it is – a cynical, €20 million PR exercise on behalf of a misogynistic and increasingly irrelevant organisation. And that’s at a time when there are thousands of people homeless, our health system is failing, and the Church refuses to acknowledge same-sex marriage, allow women to become priests, or repay the money it owes to victims of sex abuse scandals. Oh, I’ll be there all right – me and my giant ‘I’m a woman not a womb’ placard.”
Fight factor: 7.5/10
We have matured as a nation, but not to the extent we can discuss religion at family gatherings. We say: steer clear.
2. The return of the Celtic Tiger
The opener
"Did you see they had those outdoor hot tubs in Aldi again? The absolute notions of it. It's back, I'm telling you. And the state of those poky little cottages in Stoneybatter with their laundry chutes and their wet rooms – sure you'd get a fine bungalow with seven bathrooms and road frontage in Glenwood for the price of one of those. Did we learn nothing last time round?"
The comeback
"There were venison steaks on sale in Lidl the other day. Venison. Would you be well?"
Fight factor: 2/10
Nobody will openly admit to wanting the Celtic Tiger to come back, but don’t be surprised if you detect an irritating hint of glee in the voices of the Negative Equity Generation as they loudly bemoan the state of the property market.
3. Conor McGregor
The opener
“That absolute gurrier? That misogynistic, homophobic scut? That gang-fetishising, law-flouting, vulgar clown? That putrid festering boil blighting our global reputation?”
The comeback
“Ah come on, you’re taking him too literally. Try to think of him not so much as an actual person, but as a marketing innovation. Even he talks about himself in the third person. Try to think of him as Barbie, only with a bigger chest and better fur coats.”
Fight factor: 5/10
It’s hard to imagine anyone getting too worked up about a loudmouth MMA fighter. It’s hard to imagine it, but they do. Tread carefully.
4. The Repeal movement
The opener
“Lookit, I’m not opposed to abortion in some circumstances, but I’m a bit uncomfortable with the whole carry-on of that repeal movement. It’s important that we legislate for this respectfully and it shouldn’t be treated like some sort of celebration. It’s unseemly. I wish they would all just tone it down a bit.”
The comeback
“Do you think any of us are enjoying this? I’ll tell you what’s unseemly: it’s the fact that in 2017 we still criminalise women for making private and deeply personal decisions. I promise to tone it down the second women become equal citizens of this country, and we can all move on with our lives and start talking about something else. Until then, I’ll do whatever I have to fight for the rights of the next generation.”
Fight factor: 10/10
Few issues are more bitterly divisive than the upcoming repeal referendum. If we’re to make progress, we’ll need to have lots of open, inclusive and mutually respectful conversations about this – just maybe not today.
5. Sexual harassment
The opener
“C’mere and give me a hug. Oh, I’m not allowed to say that anymore, am I? You’ll have me up in court quick as look at me. God forbid I’d hold a door open for you. Sure they’re after making hugging illegal in America. Political correctness gone mad, that’s what it is. It was all much simpler in my day when you could pay a woman a compliment and she’d say ‘thank you very much’ and that would be that.”
The comeback
“It’s actually still very simple. If you respect women, and you genuinely believe we’re equal, you don’t have anything to worry about. Nobody is attacking hugging or compliments . . . could you please take your hand off my arse, though?”
Fight factor: 6/10
This is one of those topics on which everyone will pretend to agree, but is actually ripe with opportunities for the passive-aggressive sniping to escalate to two-year-long seething rages.
6. Leo Varadkar
The opener
"I actually think Leo Varadkar is doing a great job. He's shown real leadership on Brexit and the eighth amendment, and even on our role in enhanced defence co-operation in the EU. Yes, the Garda whistleblower controversy was a mess, and he showed questionable judgment there, but he was right to face down Fianna Fáil's election threats. We finally have a leader who's getting stuff done."
The comeback
"I hear you, but I'm sorry. Love, Actually? The socks? The red YMCA vest at Leinster House? That strategic communications unit? That video message where he was sitting on a giant chair with a giant lampshade beside him like something out of Alice in Wonderland? Nah, I just can't take Taoiseach Trendy seriously."
Fight factor: 2/10
Politics always gets a bit heated, but unless Leo himself is coming round for turkey, the potential for actual offence here is low.
7. The new Bewley’s
The opener
“The day Bewley’s closed in 2004 was the end of old Ireland in so many ways. I couldn’t wait for the reopening, but I’ve never been so disappointed in all my life. €14.50 for a full Irish, not including tea? And they won’t even serve you soup upstairs? It’s not what it was and, to my mind, it’s a symbol for this country losing the run of itself. Will I go back? Of course I will.”
The comeback
“I’m sorry, I don’t get what all the hysteria is about Bewley’s. They don’t even do soy gingerbread lattes, like?”
Fight factor: 5/10
The Starbucks vs Bewley's debate is not about coffee. It's about values, culture and new Ireland versus old Ireland. On the surface, this appears to be a benign one, but don't be fooled.
8. Anglo-Irish relations
The opener
“Well now, the gloss wasn’t long coming off. Soon as Brexit was through they weren’t backward in letting us know what they really think, were they? One minute they’re all ‘A Úachtárain agus a chairde’, the next minute they’re applying for planning permission for half of the Midlands. Did you see that video where they asked English people where the border is and they said it was somewhere around Kinnegad? They’re only pretending not to know where it is while they annex half the country.”
The comeback
“I don’t think Brexit was really an anti-Irish thing now. To be honest, you might have an over-inflated notion of our role in all of this. If a handful of English people don’t know where the border is, it’s because they’re not hung up on 800-year-old history, and good on them. It’s time the we moved on too, and became a bit more realistic about our place in the world.”
Fight factor: 7.5/10
Politics is on a par with religion in its capacity to divide. As a nation, we’re acutely sensitive to the nuances of Anglo-Irish relations.
9. C-sections
The opener
“I saw something in the papers about one in three babies in the Rotunda being born by C-section now. No offence now, but it’s just not right. Did you know women who have their babies by section are more likely to end up with a hysterectomy? And that babies who don’t pass through their mother’s birth canal could have completely different microbial make-ups, and are at higher risk of obesity, diabetes and asthma? Marcus and I just feel so blessed I was strong enough to give our babies a natural, drug-free start in life.”
The comeback
“That’s wonderful. And John and I are just so blessed obstetrics has advanced enough so that my baby could be delivered safely by section when she got into distress. We’re all only doing the best we can, and parenting is hard enough without the competitive birthing stories, thanks.”
Fight factor: 9/10
Repeat after us: when it comes to other people’s parenting decisions, there’s no such thing as “‘just making conversation”.
10.Gender identity
The opener
"Did you see the article about that popstar Pink? Apparently she's raising her children not to know if they're boys or girls and she says she [air quotes] identifies as a 12-year-old boy herself? I'm sorry now, I'm all for progress, but that's just not fair on the children. Boys are boys and girls are girls and no amount of political correctness, shapeless hemp clothes or bad haircuts will change that. And as for that third box for gender they're bringing in on official forms? Call me old-fashioned, but I just don't get it."
The comeback
“The thing is, though, that boys aren’t always boys and girls aren’t always girls. Gender identity disorder isn’t some trendy fad – it’s a diagnosable, psychomedical condition that is recognised across cultures and across time. It is acknowledged by both the World Health Organisation and the American Psychological Association. It is not a lifestyle choice – it’s a condition that deserves empathy and understanding.”
Fight factor: 3/10
This might actually be an opportunity to have a healthy, informative and mutually enlightening discussion. Or it might blow up in your face. We say it’s worth the risk.
11.Avocado toast
The opener
"Thank God cousin Bláithín couldn't make it. She's such an avocado toast, that one, with her fear of making phone calls, her Instagram Stories, and her feelings about everything."
The comeback
“What did avocado toast ever do to you? When did a harmless, healthy snack food that happens to be an excellent source of fibre and good fats become a symbol for everything that is – in your view – extravagant, pretentious and unnecessary in this world? Let’s be honest here. We all know this isn’t about Bláithín or avocados – it’s yet about another excuse for millennial-bashing. I’m so sick of my entire generation being written off as whiny, entitled and incompetent.”
The escalation
“There you go again, you little snowflake, taking offence. Why does everything always have to be about you?”
Fight factor: 7/10
People have surprisingly strong feelings about avocados. When we say “people”, we mean “millennials” and “people who have a negative perception of millennials”. Go there if you must, but know this: this conversation is not really about fruit.
