Someone is due a dumping in SW3. A week cannot go by in Made in Chelsea (E4) without some catastrophic relationship crisis that usually culminates in either a double-barrelled dude being caught cheating or a schoolyard smackdown among the girls. Given all the rampant bed-hopping between cast members, it's a wonder they can keep track of who to be mad with, especially as, to add to the confusion, most of the girls' names sound like discontinued biscuits. It's difficult to tell your Tiffs from your Toffs.
This time, though, it's Louise Thompson's latest beau, Ryan Libbey, who's up for the chop (he's the one who looks like a Toblerone stapled to the body of Thing from Fantastic Four). It's amazing he has survived this long given that his unique contributions so far have been: squinting into the sunlight, looking bewildered whenever anyone says anything that isn't fitness-related; and standing beside the already doll-sized Louise to create an Andre the Giant-style optical illusion.
“I’m gonna get loosey goosey on my run,” he exhales gormlessly, oblivious to his fate. This ridiculous sentence may be his final line in the show, and his tiny, tyrannical girlfriend is fixing him with the kind of look that says, “You make me dead inside”. She is already mentally starting to pack up his dumb-bells.
Meanwhile, Tiff Watson is also having a crisis because Tiff is always having a crisis. A young girl from considerable wealth, she is mostly to be found midway through a monologue of moans. Her ceaseless drone is like an embittered middle-aged divorcee from a Joanna Trollope Aga Saga novel. Having got rid of gurning Fraggle Sam Thompson (younger brother of Louise – keep up), she has her sights set on the yawning chasm that is new boy Charlie Mills, who is intent on wooing Tiff's arch-rival, Mimi.
None of which is particularly interesting until uber-cad Harry Baron and his wiggling eyebrows are thrown into the mix. Haz Baz has been dancing those dangerous brows furiously in Tiff's direction and it has not gone unnoticed by the rest of the gang, who promptly inform Sam, leaving him tearful at the thought of the twosome's tango in the night.
Pungent buckets
It's another week of airing everyone's grubby laundry. Which was literally the case in ITV2's Bromans, the reality show set in "ancient Rome" (or in Spain with a couple of polystyrene pillars), where blokes who watch too much MMA and take too many protein supplements do battle against each other in a series of gladiatorial games as their girlfriends pretend to look interested.
This week’s curious challenge saw the Bromans and their ever-supportive Wags washing their clothes – as those Romans did, apparently – in their own urine. Which ended in the toga-clad contestants throwing buckets of their own emissions at each other while “bantering” in a tiresome Conor McGregor fashion.
You need a thick neck to survive this game. Perhaps poor old Ryan’s will come in handy now that he’s soon to be evicted from the Colosseum of Chelsea.
