Question
My partner can be a fun, kind, loving father. But he can also be a raging bully, parenting by threat, chasing my son and sometimes hurting him physically. We’ve been through ultimatums, he has been to therapy, which seemed to help for a while.
I can no longer watch him damage my son with his verbal abuse and physically threatening behaviour. He just can’t see the damage he is doing and brushes off everything I say now as “your way”. He feels like the two kids and I are excluding him and being mean to him. I think he is genuinely feeling hurt, and yes the kids and I have formed a protective unit because we are scared.
I’ve spent so many years trying to make this better, trying to help him to see that it’s not working. Instead, he wants my son tested for ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) and is sure that he is the problem. I think our son may be mildly on the spectrum, but he is also in fight or flight a lot of the time.
My partner can no longer see any good in our son (10) and won’t even offer genuine apologies to him when things go too far. He has gone as far as telling him that it is his fault he had to go to therapy. I feel like my partner has a lot he needs to deal with from his own past – bullying, a nasty divorce (no kids) before we met – but I can’t be responsible for him any more. I feel the need to protect my son above everything. But he has me believing that it’s all in my head, that I make it worse and that it’s my son’s fault for cursing at him. I can’t tell any more if it’s my fault, or if I should accept his behaviour without trying to change him.
I don’t think I can live like this any more, I don’t think he will ever change or accept that he is in the wrong. We can’t be a unit, but I don’t know how to co-parent separately without being there to protect my son when his Dad loses his temper. How can I limit the damage as I work through how to get out of this situation?
Answer
I am sorry to hear that you are dealing with verbal abuse and physically threatening behaviour in your family and it is good that you are reaching out for support by sending this email. You are right to prioritise your son’s wellbeing and to take steps to “protect him above everything”. In such challenging situations, it can be hard to reach out for support because the person being abusive can “gaslight” you and make you think the problem is your son or your fault.
It is important to remember:
- No child should be physically harmed by their parent;
- It is always the parent’s responsibility to manage their temper, even if the parent has experienced their own abuse or challenging childhood;
- It is never a child’s fault if a parent lashes out, even if the child displays challenging behaviour;
- If your child does have additional needs, then he needs extra patience and support;
- Ongoing emotional and physical abuse is very damaging to children and should not be accepted.
Taking the next step
In thinking through how to proceed I would advise that you seek professional support. Women’s Aid might be the best place to start. They have a 24-hour helpline (1800 341 900) and also can arrange a face-to-face individual meeting whereby you can receive support and talk through your options in a safe place. If you are worried about your partner tracking your calls, the Health Service Executive has established the safe pharmacy initiative whereby you can make calls to seek help at a local pharmacy. Other agencies provide telephone support and counselling to parents experiencing domestic violence such as One Family. They also provide a “separating well” group parenting programme for parents when there is high conflict and domestic violence.
What will happen next?
The important step is to reach out for support. You don’t have to rush any decisions about your future and the idea is to take time to visualise and prepare the next steps with the support of an informed counsellor. For example, if you do decide to separate, what is the best way to do this? Is there somewhere your partner can go if he leaves the house? How will your partner respond to such a plan? How can you try to create a good co-parenting plan at this point? Perhaps the prospect of separation could be a spur for your partner to return to therapy or to attend a parenting course and do his own work to resolve some of his issues – especially if this helped in the past.
However, It is also important to consider the worst-case scenarios of any decisions you make.
For example, if you decide to separate, is there a chance that your partner could become more aggressive at this point? (unfortunately, this can be a common reaction). What is your safety plan at this point? A counsellor or support worker will be able to provide you with space to think through your legal options at this point – Women’s Aid has a drop-in centre at some of the court services.
- One Family - onefamily.ie, 01 662 9212, info@onefamily.ie
- Women’s Aid - womensaid.ie, 1800 341 900, helpline@womensaid.ie
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is delivering a series of parenting courses starting on March 6th. See solutiontalk.ie
