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I Am Not an Alcoholic: ‘Wine is a socially acceptable and sophisticated aid to combat life’s little horrors’

Part 10: I recently read that observing clouds in the sky is very good for our mental health. I thought it was just me who found it so calming

'It was quite revelatory for me to realise that I could go to a party so relaxed about not drinking.' File photograph: Getty Images
'It was quite revelatory for me to realise that I could go to a party so relaxed about not drinking.' File photograph: Getty Images
Anonymous
Tue Jun 20 2023 - 06:01

Sometimes life shoots an arrow. Or maybe several at the same time.

There is no warning.

Recently I was caught unawares. I didn’t duck and it hit me straight in my heart.

What do I do?

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Opening a bottle of wine is no longer an option. A good cry can help.

I quickly pulled it out, but it left a scar.

For a few weeks, while the wound was healing, I was demotivated — I could do the essentials but my zing for life was on hold. The fatigue was the worst. Fatigue harnesses procrastination and nothing gets done. The pretty aquilegia I bought at the garden centre, intending to plant the minute I got home, stares at me forlornly until one day it dies, and all for a moment of my time; the overdue library books sitting on the hall table waiting to be brought back to the library, but I walk past because my mind is occupied elsewhere.

I finally addressed the chocolate stain on the sofa and — unbelievably, as I’d left it so long — it disappeared in a few seconds

Simple tasks become mammoth.

Usually, I am an energetic person capable of going for a vigorous walk followed by a morning’s writing (hopefully productive), spend a couple of hours gardening and still not feel tired. But the piercing arrow had silently drained my energy. One morning I got up, ate breakfast, sat down to read the newspaper and promptly fell asleep. I dozed on and off for the entire morning. Was I refreshed when I woke up? No, I felt more tired.

I finally addressed the chocolate stain on the sofa and — unbelievably, as I’d left it so long — it disappeared in a few seconds. It seemed like a metaphor. If a few seconds of my time could erase what had become a weight, off my mind, maybe I should try another small task. And so, I did. By doing one small task slowly followed by another, I got my zing back.

I am not unique. Difficult situations hit us all at various stages in our lives and no matter how bad the problem, we must embrace the motto: “This too shall pass.” A lot of people will take a drink to take the edge of the problem. I can’t. So, I have to be creative when things become overwhelming.

If you look at old films, nobody drank wine. It might not be so obvious to others (I am very observant whenever alcohol appears) but today, wine is so ubiquitous in every television and film scene that it should have its own name in the credits and a category in the Academy Awards.

It’s no longer necessary to wait for an occasion to open a bottle of wine: a bad day at work — take the edge of with a glass or two of wine. An argument with a friend — have a glass of wine. Frustrated with the traffic — pour yourself a glass. It’s raining and you forgot your umbrella — pop into a pub until the rain eases off.

A glass of wine is not only socially acceptable, it’s become a sophisticated aid to combat life’s little horrors. And cinema and television are reflecting this trend in our day-to-day culture. And it’s not only when life is hard that a glass of wine can help — when good news arrives, that too calls for a toast to celebrate. The lesson is: Always have a bottle of wine to hand, you don’t know when it will come in handy but you know it will.

“Would you like a cup of tea?” — when dropping into a friend’s house — has been replaced by: “Would you like a glass of wine? It’s five o’clock somewhere in the world ha ha!”

The longer my sobriety, the more I have to lose. In a way, it’s like having a condition which requires one to take daily meditation

Alcohol is always going to be important in my life whether I like it or not, and if accept that, I have a far better chance of staying sober. To pretend that I’ve got this, I can take or leave alcohol is the path to a downward spiral. Something I can’t allow to happen. The longer my sobriety, the more I have to lose. In a way, it’s like having a condition which requires one to take daily meditation (or in my case not to take). Two of my friends have arrhythmia and medication keeps their heartbeat regular. And, like a diabetic who will get sick if they eat sugar (because their bodies do not produce enough insulin necessary to break down sugar), I will get sick if I drink.

If I didn’t have a drink last night, I’m never going to. It was the toughest time yet. The temptation to drink was almost overwhelming. All the good work is forgotten. I found myself asking: what is the point?

Well, the point is much clearer in the cold light of day. I didn’t have that drink. I don’t know how? I pulled out the six questions I wrote down and looked at them. I was stuck at number four (will taking this drink make you feel better?).

The answer, yes, was beckoning me before I continued to read the rest. My mantra: “think of tomorrow morning”, had lost a lot of its former strength. Who cares about tomorrow morning? Tomorrow morning seemed a long way away. Live in the moment.

It was a frightening experience and one I’m not keen to repeat. Family life can be tough and the only way to get through is to ride the storm.

It’s easy to be kind to those we love. But what about the people who irritate you? I’m always trying to be kinder, more understanding, more compassionate, less judgemental. I fail a lot but I still try. But, if we remember that we are all coming from where we are coming from and basically doing our best, perhaps we can try and be more understanding. Like a lot of people, I get cranky when, (always when I’m in a hurry, of course), driving behind a slowcoach and they crawl up to the traffic lights. They drive so slowly that you begin to feel they have a vendetta against you to deliberately cause you to be late for your appointment.

That is the moment to put yourself in their shoes. Maybe they were involved in a serious car crash where someone they loved was injured or worse. That thought changes everything.

I sent my friend a text saying I was sorry for my behaviour (after a conversation descended into me accusing her of being insincere). I didn’t know if I would get a response but that didn’t matter. I wanted to say sorry because it was the right thing to do. I did get a response and she was understanding. The end result was we met up for lunch and had fun catching up. She asked me sheepishly would I mind if she had a glass of wine? I said not at all. She continued to make excuses about drinking at lunchtime. I said, “what’s the point of having a glass of wine if you have to apologise for it? Drink up and enjoy it”.

A few hours work in the garden generates weeks and weeks of flowering blooms throughout the summer

Life is definitely tough but I enjoy, on a sunny day, sitting in my garden and staring at the sky. Watching wispy white clouds against a deep blue sky has a tantalizing effect on me. Tranquillity and serenity flood through my body. They look so delicate and fluffy, floating high in the sky.

I recently read that observing clouds in the sky is very good for our mental health. I thought it was just me who found it so calming.

I went back to the garden centre and bought another aquilegia, actually several, and planted them the day I bought them and now they are looking so healthy and they greet me with new blooms every morning. A few hours work in the garden generates weeks and weeks of flowering blooms throughout the summer.

At a recent social event I was relieved I wasn’t drinking. I would have let myself down badly. They were so abstemious I wondered why they bothered. Two bottles were ordered; one red and one white. How could so little be enough for six people? I watched them sip with composure and restraint, one glass lasting an hour. I would have drunk 3 glasses in one hour making the number 9 glasses over the evening. Which is why I am so astonished that nobody (except my family) had any idea that I had a problem with alcohol and had no control over my intake. How did that happen?

While social events don’t instil terror in me (as they did nine months ago) and have become less challenging, I’m still unhappy about pouring wine. I try to sit as far away from the bottle as possible and yet, inevitably, I’m asked to, if not pour out wine for someone, pass the bottle and I don’t like to do this. I might even have appeared rude when I ignore the request and let the person stretch to reach the bottle. I’m still not that confident. On one occasion I got up and left the table as if urgently needing the loo.

I was invited to another birthday party (I’m in the age group of roundy birthdays) and I hadn’t given a thought to the wine I couldn’t drink.

It was quite revelatory for me to realise that I could go to a party so relaxed about not drinking. I wasn’t even the first to leave! I was a little proud of myself.

Wow, did I just write that?

Not drinking does make me feel slightly different. People prefer it when everyone is drinking. Unless I have a genuine excuse for not drinking (and being dependent on alcohol is not a good enough excuse) drinkers prefer it when everyone is drinking. They feel judged and are slightly uncomfortable.

Hmm, I’m not judging them so who is?

I suspect the judge may be the person themselves.

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