Question
The background to this scenario is that I have been supporting my parents since before Covid. They are very independent in their own way, which is great, but, gradually, the support they require has grown. I find I rarely get a moment to myself, and my efforts are becoming more invisible and taken for granted by them, and in particular my siblings.
Also, my aunt also stays regularly and this means I can find myself as the main support for three elderly persons over 80 years without being asked, and while also working full-time. Financially, I am covering a lot of the costs of the household now and am not always being reimbursed.
I am aware that it is a privilege to get this time with my parents. They are amazing, and I have had some lovely times with them that I will treasure.
At the beginning of Covid I had expressed a concern with coping to care for my parents on my own, but it fell on the deaf ears of my family and, shortly after that, my father had a brief but serious illness and my mother had two bad falls – so life just carried on as before. Neither they, nor my siblings, are realistic in relation to the support required and my parents are not open to having paid carers to help out. If the responsibility of their care was fairly shared out across family members, it would be more manageable.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
As my siblings are busy with their own lives, they tend to opt in to help with my parents at times that are convenient to them. Some are better than others at times, but the support is infrequent and impromptu, with little day-to-day support. They often promise to do something, but don’t follow through. Therefore, supporting my parents and making decisions in relation to their care is left to me to discuss with them directly. These conversations can be difficult, and my parents have accused me on one occasion of wanting to put them into nursing home care, which is absolutely not the case. It was so upsetting, but I just can’t do it all on my own.
The additional part which makes this scenario even more challenging is that, when I do ask for help from family members, the response from some is wholly unsupportive. I am made to feel incompetent – I often get ridiculed as to what I want from them. Or worse, I get no response at all. They say I’m being unreasonable or say I am confrontational.
The past 12 months have been so isolating, and I tend to keep the full extent of what’s happening to myself. There is no laughter. I feel my personality has changed. I have turned down job opportunities and postponed studies as I don’t have the time to take on new responsibilities. I would consider moving away to get some space, but I am bothered by how this would impact my parents. I would be portrayed as the bad guy and it may prevent me from having any meaningful relationship with my parents ever again.
The scenario is impacting my self-esteem, and the sad part is that my siblings and extended family are not empathetic at all, there is just no consideration for my perspective so maybe I’m the one who is ungrateful.
I actually think I might be going mad.
Answer
There are many people reading your letter who will recognise the situation you are in and are also feeling that they are carrying an unfair share of the burden of care for the whole family.
The sense of injustice can grow over time until it becomes unbearable and then there is often a crisis where relationships can end up broken forever. Such a split can even leak into the next generation. It may be time for you to seek support for yourself so that you are not operating from resentment or assumptions. Resentment can become overwhelming and can stop you from seeing opportunities or from seeing the choices that exist.
You know you have reached the limit of what you can do. Now you need to find clarity and a way of drawing in more resources from the extended family. The starting point is to get a break for yourself so that you can approach the problem with clarity and objectivity. Set up a WhatsApp group with your siblings and ask for their help in organising cover while you are away (good to have something booked, ideally abroad, so that this is not up for question). Share what is happening, saying that your own emotional and mental health is struggling, and you need their support. Maybe have a couple of actions that people can sign up for – someone to do the research on respite care, someone else to check out HSE carers, someone else to do a rota of family check-ins, another to organise meals on wheels, etc. This will mean that everyone can contribute something without feeling overwhelmed and this might be the start of a more shared approach to caring.
Your parents and aunt will need to be involved in this as they have agency over their lives, and they may have strong ideas about what they want. We can often assume what others are thinking and this can give rise to ideas of competitiveness and negativity that have no basis in reality. Your parents may have thoughts about their vulnerability and how to manage their own care. Your siblings may be dealing with their own problems (parenting, relationship, financial or work problems) that may make it very difficult for them to support as much as they’d like.
The bottom line is that communication and conversation need to be engaged in, and if this is to be successful, you have to manage your own defensiveness and negativity first. Being overwhelmed and tired are issues that are contributing to your upset and negativity, so the break is non-negotiable. You may find that talking to others in your situation can be really helpful as well, so contact Family Carers Ireland and create a network for yourself.
A social worker for the elderly might be worth consulting (hse.ie) or a family therapist (familytherapyireland.com) may be able to give advice or conduct an objective intervention session for the family where issues can be aired and trashed through.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com