Question
This may sound petty but I think some of my family are upset about the Christmas we just had. The background is that my mum died five years ago, when the three of us children were at various ages of teen years. It was so tough, but we all bonded together, and it has made us and our dad very close as we helped each other through some very tough times.
Now we are all scattered: one in university abroad, one working in the UK and one in Ireland. Our times together are very precious, and Christmas has been a time that we have all committed to spending together, no matter what. The problem is that my sister (who lives abroad) brought home her boyfriend (recent enough) with her for the holidays, and he never left us alone, for even a minute.
To be honest, he is alright but nothing earth shattering, and he has no capacity to read a situation, as he took no hints at all about giving us some time alone, including visiting our mum’s grave. My sister seems blind to this, and she was not open to any conversations about letting him off to do something alone. I find that I’m particularly affected by this and I’ve been unable to sleep or feel calm.
My dad is too kind and says that it is fine, but my other brother feels similarly to me, and we both do not want this to happen again. My family are my glue, and I need time with them to get myself back on track. This did not happen over Christmas and I’m sad and angry over it.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Should I confront my sister, tell her what I really think about her boyfriend? I worry about losing her, too. She has always had my back and is the person I tell everything to.
Answer
Change is particularly hard when what is changing has been so good and nourishing for you. However, change is inevitable and it is probably a healthy sign that the family is now being asked to embrace the outside world and open itself up to a wider circle of members.
If your mum were alive, this would be part of the natural evolution of the family, and it would be a developmental stage for everyone to expand the boundaries of the family circle. The story of the closeness and support that your family managed to create in the face of such tragedy is wonderful, but part of this success is that now the family can be challenged again, which should be welcomed. It may be that you are focusing on your lack of approval for your sister’s boyfriend rather than on facing the reality that thriving families send their children out into the world to develop their own lives (including making mistakes).
Ideally, you will take what you have learned of love and loss and bring this with you into your own future life and relationships – you know that with the right support, human beings can incorporate loss and venture out to take risks again. Your sister may have (unconsciously or not) challenged the family’s belief that it can only be restored by its original members and perhaps it is worthwhile giving this some consideration. It may be time for all of you to look at what you want your futures to hold for you and then ask how the family can support all its members in their endeavours.
Your sister should be part of this conversation, and perhaps she could be asked how she thinks each of you found the ever-presence of her boyfriend this Christmas. It would be good to give her a chance to express what it was like for her also, as you may need to hear things from her perspective. Often, these kinds of conversations can be risky for families, but your family has developed a robustness through adversity that can now be relied upon. While you have been very supported through your grief and loss, this event has hit you very hard and it may be that you have unresolved grief, which can include anger, and if this is the case you might consider investing in some psychotherapy sessions to help you address these issues.
Grief is not a linear experience, and we sometimes get blindsided by another wave of it, even when we feel that it should be resolved. Invest in yourself by taking this seriously and your actions may model good self-care for the other members of your family.
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