Setting standards and aiming to succeed are healthy personality traits. They motivate a person to be persistent and meticulous in maintaining their personal beliefs and attitudes.
Someone who works hard and showcases high performance in their professional endeavours may have perfectionist tendencies. It is often an admired trait, especially in people who reach their goals in a conscientious manner. It can bring feelings of self-worth and happiness.
However, perfectionism can be an overwhelming and problematic mindset that leads to low confidence, fear of failure, negative self-talk and intense pressure to achieve outside of one’s capabilities. It can lend itself to feelings of intense unhappiness.
Self-criticism is associated with poor self-esteem, loss of control, lower mood, depression and anxiety. In some cases it is linked to obsessive and compulsive behaviours, as well as intrusive thoughts.
When someone strives beyond what is achievable, the motivating impulse that spurs them on can be counterproductive, crippling them into inaction and interfering with their quality of life.
“Usually, when we think of perfection, we see it as something free from mistakes or defects.” says Elaine Ní Mhórdha, a psychotherapeutic coach. “This is unrealistic and when we strive for perfection, we focus on our perceived flaws, magnifying them. In a way, we punish ourselves for what we believe is a defect. This can be physical, mental and emotional.”
Signs of perfectionist behaviour include being highly critical, having unrealistic standards, being pushed by a fear of failure, procrastinating out of fear, focusing on the goal rather than the journey and being unhappy when goals are not met.
According to Ms Ní Mhórdha, guilt and shame can play a role in our quest for perfectionism. “Sometimes we believe that if we can be perfect or seen to be perfect, then we will be validated and hold value,” she says.
“We will have worth. If we can somehow reach a state of perfect, we can release our negative views of ourselves and let go of past experiences. We believe that we will no longer face harsh judgment or criticism.”
In reality, the quest for perfection is a never-ending treadmill as our standards continually shift and change, especially as external social and cultural influences, along with social media, unknowingly encourage unhealthy competition with others.
This can all combine to leave us demanding even more from ourselves. These demands can be unrealistic or unattainable.
“Perfectionism is often evident with women who have always been classed as ‘good girls’,” says Ms Ní Mhórdha. “The belief is that if we can exude perfection and be ‘good’, then everything will be okay around us and we will be safe and stable.
“This may have been how we coped when we were children. Sometimes our childhood experiences teach us that love is conditional and in order to achieve it, we have to be great.”
Through a rose-tinted lens, we are shown different versions of perfection. Consistent online targeting through algorithms, disjointed messages and impossibly high standards messes with our understanding of what is achievable in life.
“Without being too philosophical, what is perfect?” says Ms Ní Mhórdha. “Does it change or is it static? Whose view of perfect are we choosing – our own or someone else’s?
“Pursuing an unattainable goal can result in perfectionists suffering from stress, anxiety and depression. They will constantly think they aren’t good enough because they haven’t met their impossible standard. Perfectionism is essentially a myth.”
We need to understand that imperfection and mistakes make us human
A perfectionist is likely to take greater risks that are counterproductive and unhealthy. They may overthink and obsessively focus on intrusive thoughts. They are unlikely to be flexible in the approach to their goal, while also obsessing about the small details and adopting negative, controlling behaviours.
Ms Ní Mhórdha adds: “When we feel inadequate and so far removed from what we believe is perfect, we become discouraged. The fear of not achieving perfection can lead to overthinking and excessive analysis. When we focus on every detail, we can struggle to make decisions or take action, resulting in procrastination.”
She notes that action is the “antidote to a lack of confidence”. However, perfectionism can lead to fear of failure, creating an anxious paralysis as our motivation decreases in a state of fear.
“We can become consumed with the idea that mistakes are terrible and somehow diminish our worth,” she says. “We become trapped by our own perceived inadequacy and unable to try something new or pursue a dream.”
While aiming for a level of perfection can help you achieve your goals in a manageable way, it can negatively affect you too. Avoiding perfectionism can be difficult, but it is not impossible. according to Ms Ní Mhórdha.
She says: “We need to understand that imperfection and mistakes make us human. We must shift our mindset from seeking flawlessness to valuing other aspects of our lives and embracing the sense of good enough.”
She offers the following guidance in tackling perfectionism:
- Place a focus on learning opportunities. Mistakes are part of life. They are what make us human and each mistake is an opportunity to learn and grow.
- Be more realistic with goals. They need to be achievable rather than an impossible standard.
- Engage in self-care and self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness and acceptance when you make a mistake.
- Identify your negative voice. Who do you hear in your mind when you feel inadequate or not good enough? By identifying that voice, you can learn more about the root of your quest for perfectionism.
- Challenge negative thoughts when they arise. Stop a negative thought in its tracks and ask yourself if it is true, if it is realistic and whether or not there is any evidence to support it.
- Remember that your thoughts aren’t facts. Just because you think something you’re doing isn’t correct, this thought is not necessarily true.
- Focus on your strengths. Often, when we strive for perfectionism, we focus on our perceived flaws rather than our strengths, abilities, talents and successes.
- Work with a therapist to embrace imperfection. Reframing perfectionist thinking is very beneficial.
