Toxic environments, emotionally draining friends, negative interactions, feeling taken advantage of, and navigating the unhelpful attitudes of others are all things we would like to veer away from when it comes to the relationships we build in our lives.
However, how others behave around us, what they ask of us and what we need from our connections and activities do not necessarily align with our idea of living a healthy and fulfilling life. We cannot change people, but we can change how we interact with them. Building boundaries with our friends and family and in our work means prioritising our health and wellbeing and ensuring others know what is and is not acceptable in our lives.
“Fundamentally, boundaries are about having a healthy sense of separation from others,” says author and psychotherapist Karl Melvin, “including knowing individual limits – emotionally, physically and socially – and staying within our own threshold of acceptable stress. It also includes knowing when to say yes and when to say no, despite any pressure placed on us. Healthy boundaries are invisible. We are not overtly aware of them, nor do we question them. They are also deeply connected to our self-worth and having a positive self-image.”
Essentially, a boundary is a personal rule or a limit that you set with another person. It outlines what you will and won’t accept within a relationship, whether that is in your relationship with a person or even in a job. Boundaries are important because without them, we may find it difficult to say no. Stress may build, along with fatigue and an overall imbalance in life. We may become overwhelmed, stressed or resentful. We may fall into a trap of overcommitting ourselves and making choices that go against what we want to do and what will nourish us. A lack of boundaries can easily lead to feeling disrespected or taken advantage of. Saying no, being assertive and avoiding interpersonal burnout do not always come naturally, especially when we are not aware of the boundaries that need to be set. Balancing our needs and feelings, and those of others can be difficult, even complicated.
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“Boundaries are a challenge for a range of complex psychological and environmental reasons,” says Melvin. “How boundaries were taught and accepted during childhood is often an indication of why some will struggle with these more than others. However, it is important to point out that boundaries can be a struggle for all of us, depending on relationship dynamics. Some may feel strong in one context, such as around family or friends, but less so in others, such as in the workplace.”
Setting boundaries does not mean we intend to offend or upset other people, but rather prioritise our comfort, whether that is with our physical or personal space and how we would like to be treated by others. Boundaries can fall under our emotional needs, our physical space, sexual safety, our ability to work without conflict, and the proper use of our time and belongings.
Signs that we have poor boundaries include feeling as though you have lost your voice or allowing someone to take advantage of your good nature, being an open book and overly sharing with friends and colleagues or feeling as though no one listens to you.
When building boundaries, it’s necessary to be mindful of the boundaries of others too and respect their limits. We all need boundaries, and these may not be explicitly communicated. In truth, it’s not necessary to state our needs but for us to internally recognise who we give our power to. It is up to us to decide who makes the decisions in our lives.
If it is not us, then who holds the power?
When building boundaries with family, friends and at work, Melvin suggests it is useful to explore why we feel boundaries, or a lack thereof, are a problem. “From my experience and without trying to oversimplify human psychology,” he says, “guilt and fear of confrontation are a big part of this”.
Defining our boundaries can be difficult and often upsetting as we explore how limited our boundaries are and how much we allow negative or toxic behaviours to enter our lives. Navigating boundaries and setting boundaries can initiate feelings we were not expecting such as guilt, shame, fear or insecurity. These feelings are often rooted in our past or come from learned behaviour or developed personality traits such as being a people pleaser or a high achiever.
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“Guilt can be linked to an excessive sense of personal responsibility, internalised anger and a high level of empathy and emotional sensitivity. Fear of confrontation can be linked to old lessons learned around arguments, including past exposure to aggressive behaviour, disapproval and rejection, or relationship breakdown. Having no past exposure to confrontation and having no opportunity to develop resilience to these may also be a factor. Those who never had their boundaries challenged may not be comfortable doing so when they inevitably are.”
Melvin outlines that learning to sit with guilt and fear can be a good starting point when building boundaries with others. “Recognising, despite how powerful these may be, that they are more rooted in the past and less so in the present.”
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“Initially setting new boundaries is often trial and error,” he says. “By cautiously saying no to requests or ideas you don’t agree with and measuring responses, you may hopefully realise that nothing majorly negative will come from setting boundaries. That is not to say you will not sometimes face strong resistance, and the natural tendency might be to bend to this. However, many reach a critical point where they are tired of negotiating their boundaries and take the risk of doubling and even tripling down on it, irrespective of the potential cost.”
Melvin suggests that this risk-taking is a big part of the process – risking being genuine, risking offending someone and risking potential rejection. “The actual versus the imagined cost may be vastly different,” he says, “and by demonstrating self-respect through the expression of boundaries, it might also lead to more closeness with others who are not threatened and simply accept your boundaries without question”.
Steps to setting boundaries
1) Understand your priorities in your personal and professional life. Visualise what you want to achieve and what is blocking you from achieving it. Think about the areas that negatively affect your wellbeing.
2) Recognise the non-negotiable boundaries in your life, the areas you are unwilling to compromise on, and prioritise them. Think about the things you choose to do and not do.
3) If necessary, communicate your boundaries by reinforcing that reasonable boundaries are healthy. Be assertive and avoid blame.
4) Establish these boundaries by setting consequences if these boundaries are crossed. How will you respond, and what will you do? Be mindful that you cannot control the behaviour of others, but you can control your behaviour.
5) Finally, enforce your boundaries. Hopefully, your boundaries will be respected, but there may be times when others forget your boundaries, or you may receive pushback and others overstep. Re-establish and enforce your boundaries by reinstating your needs, which may involve having multiple discussions about the physical and emotional benefits of boundaries. You may find you encourage others to build their own boundaries.
