Question
I have a good friend to whom I have always been close. She has had a rough past 12 months and was forced to move back home to her parents with her boyfriend after her landlord sold the apartment they were renting. They can’t afford to rent or buy anywhere in our locality. She has said to me that this is putting a huge strain on her relationship.
In the last few years I have met a new man whom I love greatly. We live together in my own place and plan on getting married in the near future. My boyfriend has a very well-paid job and has recently bought a big house in a nice part of the city. We plan to move in together and then rent out my home.
My problem is I don’t know how to break this to my friend. I feel awful for her in her current situation and don’t want to feel like I’m rubbing her nose in it when I tell her my boyfriend and I will have two properties, while she is living in her parents’ house.
Answer
It is lovely that you care so much about your friend that you worry about her feelings when she finds out that you are doing so much better than she is financially. However, real friendship has to face all kinds of life changes and this one is in front of you now.
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Imagine if your friend was very ill, would you feel guilty about being healthy and well? Possibly yes! Guilt tells us that we need to address or rectify something, and I wonder what you feel you are not doing in the friendship?
This is not for you to decide alone, as your friend occupies an equal space in this friendship and therefore should be asked. Friendship needs honesty, loyalty, kindness and fairness, and if you withhold your feelings, you are blocking your friend from full access to the friendship.
The chances are that she knows, or at least suspects that you will be better off in the near future, and this might highlight for her the unfairness in the world, but she deserves the chance to express these feelings with her close friend. You, too, might need to express your concerns as it gives her the respect of allowing her to air her own responses and not your assumptions of how you think she feels.
[ ‘Some friends have more need of me than I have of them’Opens in new window ]
Of course, many things break up friendships, but a guaranteed one is where one person deliberately cuts off the other out of a fear of causing offence. You may decide that there is something you can do that might assist in your friend’s situation: help her to rewrite her CV, get her some career coaching or source some financial advice.
Probably the most useful support she can get is to be fully listened to and understood regarding the hardship she is going through – so make this about her and not about you. This means that you do not make assumptions but first investigate what her situation is and how she feels about it.
Then your job as a really good friend is to go the distance with her, and if this means tolerating her sense of despair or resentment, then that is what is required at present. Of course, friendship also needs reciprocity in that your friend is also there for you in your hour of need, whenever that presents.
Equality in relationships is not about 50/50, but more about the friendship supporting one person at the time, with whatever is needed, and then supporting the other at another time, even if it is not equal in demand.
We know that hardship and difficulty are not dealt out in equal measure to everyone, and it might happen that through life one person needs more support than another. This should not be a cause for guilt or grief, it simply is. Your friend’s relationship is under threat so she really needs you not to back away at this point as she might feel that her life structure is slipping away from her.
The feeling of guilt is uncomfortable and we often go into avoidance when this happens, but rise above this, gather your courage and risk an honest conversation. You and she may need to have multiple conversations so you could start by stating that you are determined to stick with her through this tough time and that you will not be deterred.
Then follow your word and keep turning up, and do what you can to be of help, but that has to be what your friend wants.
Be the friend who is there for the hard times.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
