PROBLEM: I recently went on a weekend away with a couple of my closest friends. We have been the best of mates for the past few years, but on the recent trip away I really noticed how different I am to them. They spent the entire trip either on drugs or passed-out. I drink but stay away from harder stuff, which has alienated from me the others. Drugs have become such a bridge between us and I'm not willing to cross it. They don't peer-pressure me or anything like that, but I feel isolated all the same. They are my best friends and I want to keep it that way, but I feel that the more drugs they take, the more we drift apart.
ADVICE: This is a problem because you are best friends: if you cared less about them, it would not be such a difficult situation. It seems that there is respect in the friendship, as they do not pressure you to join them in their drug use, but the friendship is strained and it might be difficult to keep things as they have been in the past.
Most friendships that are formed in youth hit some kind of test, and this decides whether we continue as true friends or drift into acquaintance. Sometimes this comes in the form of divergent views on important topics or perhaps a romantic relationship that pushes a friendship down the pecking order.
Your friends seem to be in a mutually agreed place, and you are on the outside feeling isolated. If you are to keep the “best friend” role, something needs to happen.
If we do not give attention and time to our friendships, they tend to fade. I wonder how this can happen if your friends always choose to “pass out” when you are out together. It seems a conversation needs to be had where you suggest other things to do together that are a bit of fun. This does not mean you pass judgment on your friends, but if they do not meet you halfway it will be difficult to keep the friendships going.
Many people grow out of drug use with maturity, and maybe your friends will gradually do this as the demands of work and life make changes necessary. Do you have the patience to wait for this to happen?
In the meantime, however, you might need to find another group to socialise with, one where you are not on the outside but feel fully integrated. Making new friends is no small task, so you would need to give yourself a substantial amount of time in new company to achieve this.
This would allow you to be less dependent on the current group but to stay in contact in a way that works for you.
There is also a question of influence. We are very influenced by the group we are in, and it seems that your current group has respect and loyalty but also has some extremes in its core. What influence do you want to have?
You could be someone a friend can turn to for support and advice if they want to change how they socialise. You offer a very different position, and this might be exactly what is needed by your friends as they try to change their behaviour. As we know, habits are hard to change – and habits that can offer such a high reward as drugs even more so – so having someone close who is trustworthy is a huge bonus.
This does not mean you are your friends’ saviour or counsellor, but with friendship comes responsibility, and maybe you could fulfil this role in this group.
The immediate issue for you is how to organise your social life right now. It seems that you need to spend less time away or nights out with your friends as this leads to a feeling of isolation for you, but you could try to organise other things to do together.
Letting this go will be hard and might cause some grief for you. Loneliness might be a fact of life for a while, but it will push you to make connections with other people you like and this might be part of the maturing process.
If it becomes a fact that your friends consistently choose drugs then, with time, you might have to opt out of this group entirely. If this is what you think will happen, then the earlier you do this, the better. It is time for you to make a judgment call and then follow through on it. Either way, things need to change for you.
- Trish Murphy is a psychotherapist. Email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com for advice. We regret that personal correspondence cannot be entered into
