Q I noticed that my 13-year-old daughter had gone a little quiet and was spending more time at home than usual so I asked her if there was anything wrong. She got really upset and I finally got it out of her that she had been at a sleepover a month ago where, as a joke, a good friend had pulled up my daughter's top and taken a photo. Someone else, again as a joke, grabbed the phone and forwarded it to another girl. Nothing happened after that but, a week ago, it was posted on a social media site by someone they've never heard of.
People have started to add comments and give opinions on her body and the whole thing has got out of control. I haven’t seen the photo, but she let me look at what was being said and it made me weep that people could be so cruel and not care about how much they’re hurting her.
She is really down about it, saying she doesn't want to go out or go back to school. Her friends are calling around and being really supportive but she says they're all afraid they'll get into trouble if I go to the Garda.
I'm following all the advice about getting the photo removed but I'm just wondering what I can do to help her put this behind her.
A Sadly, it’s now common for embarrassing photos and videos to be posted without the person’s consent. In some cases the image is posted deliberately to humiliate someone and is seen more as a form of bullying.
In this case, it didn’t start out that way, but things have just got out of hand.
While it is unpleasant for anybody, an embarrassing photo like this can be particularly crushing for a teen as it touches on so many of their insecurities about their looks and the extreme value that they place on being liked and accepted by their peers.
Teens, and especially younger teens, tend to have a very self-centred view of themselves, so something like this, where they feel that everyone is judging and looking at them, can just feel devastating to them.
It used to be that the normal innocent – and sometimes not so innocent – antics of teenagers were witnessed only by the people present. Stories might circulate afterwards, but people would forget the details over time.
Now every mistake or slip-up – and normal adolescents make many – is recorded permanently for all to see and can be bouncing around the world within minutes.
Not only do those mistakes get seen by millions, but they follow you into your adult life and can reflect on you as a grown-up rather than being seen as the behaviour of the immature 13-year-old you were then. It’s sad that adolescents can’t be as carefree as before and have to be constantly vigilant around camera phones.
Someone commented that it’s like being a celebrity but with none of the perks. The message to all children is, unfortunately, that you lose control of an image the minute it is forwarded to anyone else.
Where previously five people might have witnessed your daughter’s top being pulled up, now there are 5,000 and the embarrassment is amplified for her and the evidence indelible. Those people who are anonymously rating your daughter are too removed to feel any personal responsibility and, hiding behind their screens, they don’t have to experience the devastating emotional impact of their words on your girl.
Office for Internet Safety
You might never remove every copy of this photo, but you should be able to have it taken down from some sites. The Office for Internet Safety (internetsafety.ie) publishes a
Get With It
guide to cyberbullying, which provides clear information about how to contact the various service providers in a case such as this.
Most services now have mediators and policing. There may be a legal obligation to remove a photo containing nudity (if it does), especially as your daughter is a minor, and the sooner you act on this the better.
You should also contact her school as soon as possible. Every school has a protocol on cyberbullying and can help you to manage the situation.
Congratulate her
As for helping her personally, firstly you should congratulate her on confiding in you. Some teenagers are too humiliated and embarrassed to let their parents know, or they’re afraid that their parents will overreact.
One of the greatest fears in these situations is that their parents will suspend or limit their online access. You’ve responded calmly and sympathetically, which is obviously a huge relief to her. It will be important that you discuss with her in detail how she would like to see it handled and don’t take over completely.
She’s obviously feeling a bit powerless about what has happened, and giving her a say in how this is managed may help her regain some sense of control. A mother’s instinct might be to contact the parent of every child involved or go to the Garda immediately, but this might end up being even more embarrassing and stressful for her.
You can also help her by trying to put some perspective on what happened. It wasn’t her fault, nobody intended this to happen, and they’ve all learned a really important lesson and will, with luck, be more aware next time.
While this seems the biggest thing in the world for her right now, it may be relatively tame compared with other photos and videos out there.
From your adult perspective you can reinforce the message that people quickly move on to the next big story or scandal and will soon forget.
Her friends are obviously keen to help, so you could advise them about the best way to support her. They can write messages of support for her, voice their disapproval, and tell people to delete the photo.
Positive actions like this by peers are really powerful and can have a much greater effect than anything an adult says.
Dr Sarah O’Doherty is a child clinical psychologist.
Dr John Sharry is on leave.