There’s the picture-perfect Christmas tree, the sumptuous family dinners, the smiling extended family in matching Christmassy jumpers, the buzzing parties and the mountains of presents. We’re bombarded with these images for weeks before the big day but for many people, mentioning the C word fills them with dread.
Christmas can be a tricky time of year for many families for many reasons. It can be the first Christmas since a bereavement or separation, it can increase the pressure on rocky family or intimate relationships and cause financial worries for cash-strapped families.
Childline, the ISPCC’s listening service for children and young people, received 1,176 calls, texts and messages on Christmas Day last year, suggesting that it is not just adults who find the holiday season difficult to get through. There are ways though to step off the tinsel-covered bandwagon and ensure that whatever your family situation, the Christmas period can be enjoyable and stress-free.
Psychotherapist Stella O'Malley suggests that Christmas tends to bring out extreme levels of perfection in people and it's a recipe for disaster. O'Malley, the author of Cotton Wool Kids, says the first task for parents in search of a painless Christmas is "to stop chasing perfection".
“As parents, we are all trying to ensure everything is absolutely top-class, that the tree is like something out of an interior design magazine, that everyone gets the exact present they want, that the Christmas dinner is a gourmet feast. It creates massive stress.” The reality is that nothing is ever perfect so you are setting yourself up for failure, O’Malley suggests. “If you are a parent who is rushing around, trying to make memories for your kids and feeling stressed, take a step back and forget it.”
Modern parents are off the charts with their expectations, she suggests. Instead, take a breath, concentrate on the children and don’t try and live up to your own unrealistic ideas of the season should be about. “There is so much pressure to deliver this perfect occasion but children rarely notice whether you’ve paid €100 for something or whether it cost €10,” she says.
Relationships Ireland psychotherapist and relationships therapist Bernadette Ryan agrees that our expectations for the season are sky high. January is always the busiest month of the year for Relationships Ireland, with lots of couples seeking counselling after a stressful holiday break.
Ryan suggests dampening down the excitement in the house for a while. “Christmas starts earlier and earlier and there’s a huge build-up for parents and for children. Remember that your children have a very limited capacity to keep in their excitement and everyone is trying to operate on this higher energy level and it can be exhausting for the family.”
Add in all the parents who are trying to create this Christmas showcase and everyone is totally wired, she says. To avoid getting overwhelmed, Ryan suggests sitting down and making a list of everything that needs to be done. “Then take a look at how you can make your life as easy as possible by delegating jobs to people and make sure you get the kids involved too.’ It won’t be a peaceful, joyful experience if one person is exhausted doing everything, she says.
It is our own expectations that create the biggest Christmas stress, O’Malley suggests. “The problem with trying to create a perfect Christmas is that it’s all about you and your own expectations. What’s important is that everyone is feeling relaxed and enjoying themselves. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment and stress by expecting everyone to co-operate, be 100 per cent appreciative, do not fight and do as you expect and you will find things are much smoother.”
O’Malley also cautions parents not to put themselves under pressure financially, which can create more stress. “There’s this wish to give your children everything they want but children are delighted with new things, whatever they are. It’s not worth creating financial overload for something that will be forgotten very quickly. Children will be happy with a nice carol service, some new things to play with and your company. Remember what’s important in life – spending happy times together.”
Ryan agrees. “The pressure, financially and otherwise, often comes to a head at this time of year. There’s a saying that is worth remembering: ‘Children want your presence, not your presents’ – your time is free.”
One of the biggest challenges of Christmas is that it’s a very long holiday where everyone is stuck together for long periods of time, so family member you can tolerate in small doses can become hugely irritating “The normal day-to-day structure and routine that keeps lots of people sane is not there and every flaw and chink in the armour is exposed, so it’s important to step back and build in time for relaxation.”
Ryan suggests making sure that you get out and take a walk each day to break up the tension. However, she says we can all make one very important change that will make Christmas enjoyable. “It’s very important to remember that you can adjust your own attitude. You cannot change other people but you can manage how you respond to them. So remember that although people may be annoying you with their behaviour, you can choose how you will react.”
Like O'Malley, Ryan warns against unrealistic expectations for the holiday season. Relationships that are struggling can really suffer from these extra pressures, she says. It's important to take a look at all the things you feel you "have" to do.
“What can you do differently to help ease the strain? You will hear people talking about things they ‘should’ do or ‘have’ to do. Take a step back and ask yourself why, how is this going to affect you? Is this the right thing for you to do?”
For children, the magic of the holiday can be marred by feuding parents and a stressful atmosphere in the home. Childline manager Margie Roe says keeping it simple is what makes Christmas magical for children. "Children don't expect perfection – get them involved in the preparations, making cards and gifts and allow time to have fun in all the madness." Very often what adults consider important is not relevant to children, she says. "They just want to spend time with their family, that is it". The Childline phone service is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, call 1800-66 66 66
