Throwing your house open to family and friends to celebrate one of life’s milestones sounds like a great idea, but the practicalities can threaten to take the fun out of it. There’s the domestic detritus to be cleared; the menu to be planned and prepared; outfits to be bought; the expense to worry about and, on top of that, the prospect of the in-laws descending for the day.
If the occasion is a child’s religious rite, such as Christening, First Communion or Confirmation, and you’re standing in the church fretting about whether the beef goulash is drying up in the oven, you’ve clearly lost the plot.
We can put so much pressure on ourselves to deliver the perfect, cross-generational party that the stress snuffs out the enjoyment – for the hosts at least.
Step back and ask yourself, Why are we doing this, says Bernadette Ryan, a psychotherapist with Relationships Ireland. For all families it is about building memories, so make sure a blazing row is not the highlight. “We’re inviting people to be there for the child and the family, and we never know what’s around the corner,” says Ryan. “Give people some decent food and some nice warm company and they will be happy.”
So whatever the family gathering you might be planning over the coming months, your mantra should be: Keep it simple.
The child’s day
If it is a First Communion or Confirmation, ask your child how he or she wants the day celebrated. And if it is to be a family gathering, keep it child-focused.
"We can all get caught up in finding the most exclusive hotel or making sure the house is looking fabulous, but an eight-year-old is not going to notice any of that," says Karina Cotter, founder of the website childrensparties.ie and a mother of four living in Wicklow. "Make sure the day is about your child and that it's not an adult dinner party."
Try to have the adults and children eating together, she says. “If you were having a birthday party for somebody, you wouldn’t have them eating pizza with one group of people and have everyone else in a different room having a posh spread – so the same should apply to your child’s event.”
Home or away?
Cost and convenience are usually the main factors in deciding between hosting a family celebration at home and going out to a restaurant. But convenience cuts both ways: for some it’s being spared all the preparation and clearing up when dining out, for others it’s flexible timing and child-friendly comforts that make staying home preferable.
Using caterers at home can be the best – or worst – of both worlds, depending on how you look at it.
“I prefer having it at home because it’s more relaxed; the younger kids can run around, the older kids can go up and play Xbox,” says Elaine Hickey, a mother of three in Portlaoise, who has hosted celebrations for a succession of First Communions and Confirmations over the past eight years. Her husband and mother both have health problems, so being at home makes it easier for them to take time out to rest if they need to.
“I guess the downside is the mess afterwards, although that’s never been an issue here because the family all help clean up at the end – especially my mother-in-law, she is great like that. It’s also more work, as in buying all the food, decorations, etc, but I still think the pros outweigh the cons,” she adds.
In a recent mummypages.ie survey of more than 1,200 mothers about First Communion celebrations, just over half said they have a party at home; one-third book a restaurant; and the rest choose to visit family and relatives. It also found that 62 per cent will spend between €200 and €750 on the party, with 12 per cent prepared to spend between €750 and €1,500 on it.
“I think it’s nicer for the kids to have the party at home, as there is much more freedom for them to enjoy themselves,” says Marie, who is having a joint celebration this year because her two children are making their First Communion and Confirmation within the same week.
“It’s a lot of work for us parents but some of the relatives will help out with desserts and food.”
Liz, a mother of three, is preparing to have both a Christening celebration and a First Communion party at home this year. The advantages, she says, are that she can relax for the evening and chat to friends, she is not tied to a timetable or closing time, and so on, and is not worried about whether or not a change of clothing (for either the Communion child or the baby) will be needed.
Among the disadvantages, she lists the stress of getting the house ready, that it doesn’t really save money and they have family tensions that can flare up at home.
Niamh, who is planning to have her eldest child’s Communion party at home, says: “We have had other celebrations in restaurants with other family members, but find it more difficult and stressful as we are constantly watching and following the smaller children and they don’t enjoy it as much. We have a large garden so, in good weather, the more cousins the better fun . . . the older girls look after the younger.”
Caoimhe, a mother of two from Co Dublin, is planning a Confirmation lunch in a restaurant this year at her older daughter’s request, having had a “full-on buffet party” at home last year for another child’s First Communion.
“At home can be stressful but sometimes it’s easier, as we will still have people back after the lunch and so will need to provide tea and light snacks for later on too,” she points out.
Prepping the house
When the majority of people say the tidying up – and, in some cases, the redecorating – in the lead-up to a major family gathering is the worst part, you would wonder: Who are we trying to impress? However, such occasions are also seen as a useful spur for long- overdue domestic tasks, so the pressure has its benefits.
But don’t stress about it. Nobody – least of all the children – is going to notice. If you really want to make some improvements, decide what’s doable and finish well ahead of time. After that, make peace with the battered sofa and scuffed skirting boards.
“I think about how I am when I am invited to gatherings like this,” says Anne, a mother of two in Kildare. “I wouldn’t notice if the garden is messy or if the floor is scruffy, so I sort of assume nobody coming to my house will either. It helps me relax.”
Your house is not a showpiece, says Ryan, and people like to feel welcome. “I always remember, years and years ago, an old boss of mine came for lunch and I was fussing like mad. He said, ‘Am I putting you to a lot of trouble?’ And I said ‘No,’ and he said, ‘Well, stop making it look like I am.’ I learned a valuable lesson.”
Sharing the burden
After years of working in couples’ counselling, Ryan is in no doubt that men and women do things differently.
“Women are wonderful for celebrating and making connections and holding families together, whereas men can think in a linear fashion: What’s all the fuss about? Why do we have to do this?”
It isn’t that their child’s event isn’t important to them, she stresses, but they don’t get the “other stuff”.
It may be blindingly obvious to a woman that the kitchen cupboard doors have to be wiped down, the bathroom mat replaced and the butter made into curls, before one guest steps into the house but, if they’re the last things on the mind of her partner, no amount of seething resentment is going to spur him into action. She should delegate or accept the pressure is of her own making and do it herself, with good grace.
“If women find themselves overburdened, they have to ask themselves who they are doing this for,” says Ryan. “Often we want the other person to want what we want.”
Guest list
The size of a couple’s extended family will usually determine whether it will be a “relations-only” affair, or with friends as well. Some have both – but not necessarily at the same time. “We usually keep religious parties to parents, grandparents and godparents only, as we have a huge family and circle of friends,” says Caoimhe.
Niamh also usually keeps it to family, “but this time we will invite friends for food and neighbours in the afternoon for cake and desserts”.
Anne does something similar: “We have family in during the day for food and then the close neighbours and friends will come in at about 6pm for a few glasses of wine and nibbles.”
Occasionally, a close family member may be excluded from clan gatherings, as Liz has to do with one of her child’s uncles. Ryan says this should be done only for very good reason.
Children have a right to a relationship with their grandparents, aunts or uncles, to build their sense of community, even if their parents have a problem with them, she points out.
However, she agrees that if there is a possibility that there is going to be friction or conflict with a particular family member, and that it might ruin the occasion, she asks, “Why bring that upon yourself?”
Family flashpoints
Despite, or because of, not inviting her brother, Liz says she will be on tenterhooks for the day. “I will cross my fingers and say a prayer – lots of prayers – that things, especially with my mother, don’t kick off.”
There are no such worries for Elaine, who says that both her and her husband’s families get on well, “and our friends know our family by now too, so we all have a laugh”. They are not heavy drinkers either.
“Some people might have a beer or two, or a glass of wine, but most people are driving or have small children, so they don’t drink. From what I see, a lot of problems seem to be caused by alcohol, so I am glad that’s not even a factor here,” she adds.
If tensions do erupt, Ryan’s advice in dealing with troublesome family members is “stick to the ‘I’ statements: ‘I am not very comfortable with the situation right now,’ as opposed to ‘You two behave yourselves.’ Or, ‘I really don’t want to get into this now,’ or ‘This is not what today is about for me.’ ”
You have to detach from others’ behaviour, she says. “They will behave in the way they behave and that’s kind of it.”
A lot of tension can arise from trying to control things, she explains, when you think, “I want the day to be like this;” “I want so-and-so to behave this way.”
But, Ryan says, “we cannot control others, we have no right to control others and we can’t make them do what we want them to do”. The power we do have, she adds, “is to respond how we want to in any given situation”.
Children’s entertainment
Come the May weekends, there won’t be a bouncy castle to hire for love or money. It’s a perennial favourite for First Communion parties at home, even though rain can stop play and, for more nervous hosts, there is always the worry about somebody getting hurt. (Mind you, the number one safety tip is probably to keep inebriated adults off it.)
But do you really need to lay on children’s entertainment at family gatherings? Views are mixed.
“I never have,” says Elaine. “In my experience, kids are perfectly happy to run around, interact with the family and play with their cousins and friends. I do not see the need to ‘entertain’ them; they are well able to entertain themselves.”
People who arrive and think their children should be entertained annoy Anne: “They sit down and forget they are there.” She will have a bouncy castle, although she resents the cost of it. “I hate to think of the other things I could spend the money on,” she says. And she will have two older teenagers to monitor the bouncy castle all day because she believes the parents often “consider themselves off duty”.
“Bouncy castles are great, but you do need to supervise,” agrees Cotter. “So my number one choice would be an entertainer. There are some fantastic entertainers out there, such as Genie Mackers and Really Grand Events, that cater for all ages and genders.”
It means that the adults can relax for a couple of hours while someone else is in charge, she points out.
“Also, it’s not weather-dependent, which is a big plus.”
Some names have been changed.
swayman@irishtimes.com
