Emissions: I hate this time of year. It's post-Christmas, presents are all lost or broken, bank accounts are begging for mercy, there's three hours of light a day and months to wait until the next holiday. Tragic, innit?, writes Kilian Doyle.
For some of you, it may even be worse. That is if you are among the 1,500 people busted for drink-driving in December. Hangover clearing and nothing to look forward to but a court appearance, a big fine and a year on the bus? Nice.
I'd like to say it's stating the obvious that drinking and driving is ALWAYS A BAD IDEA. But then there are 1,500 examples that it isn't so obvious to prove me wrong. And they're only the ones who got caught.
Much as we, as an alcohol-sodden nation, are the butt of a million "drunken Paddy" jokes, boozing and driving is far from an Irish phenomenon. The most tragic recent example of the globalised nature of this behaviour came in France, where a couple are facing up to five years in jail for negligence after letting their drunk cousin drive home from their house, only to kill himself and four members of the same family in a head-on crash on a motorway. According to French police, half of all the 7,000 deaths annually on the roads there are attributable to drinking.
The story is the same everywhere: Britain, South Africa, the US, the list goes on. But the Americans, God love 'em, have come up with a solution: Tagging.
Busted in the good ole US of A for drink-driving? Expect to be fitted with a Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitor (SCRAM), which tests your blood alcohol level randomly and relays the results via the internet to the cops. The inventors are even experimenting with linking it to an immobiliser in your car to stop you driving over the limit. (Although they've yet to explain how to stop determined sorts from hopping into someone else's car - and how will they know if you're twisted and hurtling down the freeway impersonating James Brown or just sitting at home on the couch, full of weak beer and pretzels, screaming at Oprah Winfrey?
The acronym is something of a cruel pun - try to scram for real and this thing attached to your leg with a tamper-proof strap will go off like a police snifferdog in a crackhouse. You'll just have to cut your foot off. But then driving might prove a tad tricky, so it's defeating the purpose somewhat.
(My only concern is that being tagged makes you look like a sex offender. Never wear shorts when you're tagged. Remember what that hysterical pervert-hunting mob in England did to a paediatrician's office a few years ago? Hatred coupled with a hefty dose of hilarious-if-it-wasn't-so-bloody-tragic ignorance can get you in fierce trouble.)
The authorities here in Ireland are slightly less imaginative. Rather than hooking offenders up to modems, their solution is for us to snitch on each other via a telephone hotline to the gardaí. They're portraying it as our civic duty to grass on people we see driving like maniacs, whether they're tanked up or just the regular common or garden idiot.
Personally, I'm all for it, sanctimonious, pontificating, self-righteous little grouch that I am. I'm ready, willing and able to patrol this merry land, standing in pub carparks, pencil and notebook in hand, spying on people staggering towards their cars and jotting down their registration numbers.
The problem is it'll just be me and about 20 other cranks trying to cover the whole country. Nobody else will co-operate - we're far too anarchic and anti-authoritarian as a race to ever make the scheme work. So why should I bother? Maybe the gardaí should just do the job themselves. Or would that be too much to ask?