Problem
I want to have a DNA test done on my youngest son (7). I can’t get it out of my head that he might not be mine. Years ago, early in our marriage, my wife had an affair with someone from work and I forgave her because I could not imagine living without her.
We had three children – now 16, 12 and seven – and in the early years my wife stayed at home to mind them. We had a good life but I am away a lot with work. I trusted her and things seemed to be good enough.
Eight years ago my wife went back to work in her old firm and she has changed a lot. She really dresses up for work and goes to a lot of events and stays out late. I am driven mad by it.
Maybe I am wrong, but this feels very much like it did when she had the affair and, because I am away a lot myself, I can’t check on what she is doing. I have tried to tell myself that she is not betraying me but more and more I feel like a fool for believing her when she says she is not doing anything wrong.
I think I can only believe her when I have the absolute proof that our seven-year-old is mine and not some other man’s.
Advice
Your mistrust and suspicion is fuelled by your past experience of betrayal and it seems that you have not yet resolved this in your relationship. You are looking for certainty – of loyalty and fidelity – and are seeking it in the form of a DNA test but I wonder if you have thought this through.
For the past seven years you have accepted this little boy as your own and he has loved you as a father. This father/son love and connection is put up for scrutiny if you do the test: will you disown him if you discover he is not yours? Can you imagine telling him that you do not love him anymore? That he does not have a father? And have you thought about telling your wife that this is your plan? Will she agree to such a test?
Will that prove her innocence and will your suspicion stop immediately or is it likely that she will not trust a man who demands such a thing of her? And what of your other children – certainly the 16-year-old is probably clued in enough to see what is going on and this puts the whole family at risk.
It sounds as though your relationship is in trouble and that you two are drifting. The last seven years have been full of pain for you as you feel the distance growing between you and your wife. This leaves you feeling vulnerable and, instead of this drawing you two together, it seems to have opened a chasm of suspicion.
At the very least, you and your wife will need to have a lot of discussion before undertaking a DNA test on your son. The test is designed to prove to you that she loves you but can it do that? Couple counselling can help you to have a thorough discussion and it might be helpful to have a professional and neutral person to bear witness to your story – see familytherapyireland.com for qualified couple therapists.
If you are going ahead with the DNA test, it is important that you get it done from a reputable source as there are many kits available on line and the quality and standards vary greatly. Given the gravity of the result of this test, it is recommended that you get one that is court approved. The way to access this is through your GP. About 99% of the time, it is strongly recommended that the mother of the child be involved in the process and all outcomes need to be thoroughly discussed.
You know what it is like to be betrayed and this makes you particularly sensitive to further deception. You will need very good judgment in order to decide what to do next and our intelligence can be hampered by fear, suspicion and a need for protection.
Before embarking on a DNA test, perhaps it would be worth talking this over thoroughly with someone who is grounded and trustworthy. In this way your mental chatter can be challenged and you can get some sense of whether you are behaving in a reasonable way or whether you are suffering from insecurity and doubt.
Either way, action needs to be taken to either boost your self-confidence or/and to support your relationship.
