What is it about men and commitment? We had our wedding booked, and now he tells me after seven years, three of them living together, that he doesn't know if he loves me, doesn't want to get married and needs space. I had no idea his feelings had changed, and he can't explain why. We are in our early 30s, and I want children before I'm 40. I could give him an ultimatum: get married or we split up. But if we break up how will I find someone else before it's too late to have a baby? He won't go to counselling, because he thinks he'll be told to do the "decent" thing. Should I leave?
Ouch. The seven-year itch. You must be raging with him for taking up your precious time. Giving him an ultimatum won’t fix this. You don’t want to marry a man you’ve had to drag up the aisle, and threats will make him feel more insecure and indecisive, not less.
You, on the other hand, know exactly what you want and on what schedule, but has he been able to say what he wants? Ever?
Planning the wedding may have crystallised the reality, for him, that you are the confident pilot and he’s the wary passenger.
“Many people baulk at marriage and children because they feel they won’t meet their partner’s expectations. They also worry about the financial burden of family life. When he says he doesn’t know if he loves you and doesn’t want to get married this may be a crisis of confidence,” says Tony Moore, a couple counsellor at Relationships Ireland.
You don’t know him as well as you thought, maybe because you didn’t listen enough. “Is he really that good at masking his feelings or did you avoid tackling this issue for fear of the answer and just carried on hoping it would all work itself out?” asks Moore.
Don’t pack your bags and leave just yet. Sit down and talk things through. Listen to his anxieties about getting married. Don’t dismiss them, and don’t go “taking” him to counselling either.
“It may sound to him that you are treating him like a naughty boy and taking him for a ‘telling off’ and to be told to behave,” warns Moore.
He and you together may decide that professional support and guidance might help – a great investment if you want a lasting marriage, and an invaluable support if you decide to part. But do reassure him that couple counsellors don’t tell clients to go and do the “decent” thing. They are only there to help the couple to make the right decision for them.
My husband doesn't know it, but I've discovered porn sites that he has been visiting on the internet. I'm appalled and humiliated. Our sex life has never got back to what it was before we had kids. He did tell me once that he was frustrated because I didn't want sex as often as he did. Now when we do have sex he says I'm boring and unimaginative. If he feels he has to turn to porn, what future is there for us?
From the letters I have received and psychotherapists I have talked with, private porn sessions replacing marital sex is going on in more marriages than care to admit it. You're right to be offended by what you've seen of the way women are portrayed, and your worry is well founded.
“Accessing pornography in secret from your partner is often a warning sign that the relationship is in trouble and frequently an indication of unhappiness with the sexual side of the relationship,” says Pat Grange, a couple counsellor at Relationships Ireland.
“Most couples do not fully appreciate the massive changes that result from having children and the impact on all levels of their relationship,” says Grange. “Using pornography as a quick fix for sexual frustration is common, and many men (and some women) revert to the use of pornography as a substitute for an intimate relationship. Long- term and excessive use of hard-core pornography has been shown to have a damaging and corrosive effect on the relationship, so you are right to be concerned.”
You say that your husband prefers porn to having sex with you. Are you sure? Although access to pornography can be compelling and habit-forming, most people when given the choice prefer the intimacy and fulfilment of a close physical relationship. What is more likely is that he wants you and porn is second best.
“While describing your sexual relationship as ‘boring and unimaginative’ doesn’t help, what your husband is really saying is that he is not satisfied with the level or quality of your intimate relationship – and, clearly, neither are you,” says Grange.
Your relationship isn’t over. Your sneaky inspection of your husband’s browsing history has given you a much-needed wake-up call. Both of you need to reflect on all aspects of your relationship – the positive, especially – sex being just one important part.
“Trust and confidence can be rebuilt if both parties are willing. To begin, you need to tell your husband about your discovery,” says Grange.
This may cause some pain to you both, but if you want to stay together this needs to be done.
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