Orna Mulcahy on people we all know
Patricia can remember having her bottom pinched in Piazza Navona when she spent that summer au pairing in Rome. Now, as she strolls through the piazza with her family, she spots a man leering in her direction. But hang on a minute, it's not her he's looking at, it's Sally, her 13-year-old daughter. The greasy pervert. He ought to be arrested. And anyway, why wasn't he looking at her with her new blonde bob and holiday tan? At 41, she doesn't expect wolf whistles every time she walks past a building site, but is she totally invisible? Apparently so.
It doesn't help that Sally is such a gorgeous young thing - where did she get those legs! - or that she is quite so interested in history. "Mum," she'll say casually over dinner, "do you realise that if we lived in the 18th century you would probably have died ages ago, in childbirth or from the flu, and even if you hadn't died, your teeth would be completely rotten, and at dances you would have to sit around the room with the other old ladies?" Charming.
Patricia thinks that she is actually very good at dancing, and was considering taking up tango lessons after their holiday in Buenos Aires last year. Now there's a place where the women do look spectacular at any age, but of course they all smoke like chimneys to keep thin and have surgery at the drop of an eyelid. Nips and tucks are discussed a lot at the book club, and while a few years ago everyone was adamant that it was a Bad Thing, now they're not so sure.
"Do I need a face lift?" she says to her husband, pulling back her cheeks and lifting everything up and back to give the general effect. "God no," he says, which is nice, though his next comment that no one looks at the mantelpiece when they're poking the fire is less than reassuring. Whatever about her face, she wishes now that she'd used hand cream more often, as the backs of her hands are getting quite scaly, and you can't hide them, can you?
Or is it just that she has a negative "old" aura about her, and how the hell would you fix that? She did read somewhere that the best way to appear young and attractive is to hang out with people who are a lot older. So this winter she is planning to cultivate some interesting oldies, though how old should one go? Is there any point in being ogled by someone of 75 with poor eyesight? Meanwhile, she doesn't see why she should dress like an old lady, and when no one is looking she does try on the odd thing from Sally's wardrobe. And actually she finds those spangly platform trainers very comfortable, and not in the least muttony. Now she just has to find the right jeans to go with them for the Madonna concert ...