Christmas can be especially hard for the bereaved. Music, food, traditions or even objects like Christmas decorations can all trigger grief. “We often say to people, you are grieving 365 days a year, you can have a ‘grief burst’ at any time, but at Christmas there are so many opportunities to get sucked into a memory around someone who is no longer with us,” says Orla Keegan, head of education and bereavement at the Irish Hospice Foundation.
Cancel Christmas?
While it’s tempting and understandable if you have been bereaved to try to ignore Christmas altogether, preparation can help make things a bit less difficult. “You can’t fully avoid Christmas, but one of the things that can help is to plan a little bit,” says Keegan.
It can be better to know in advance of time how you will spend the day rather than face into it with no plan, says Keegan. Even if you decide to change this plan, or find it no longer suits you, you are taking control of the day rather than allowing it to control you. “You could look at some of the things that you anticipate are going to be hard and ask, ‘Will we do that at all this year?’” says Keegan.
Pass on traditions
Christmas has its own script where people may have performed roles for years. This can make a loved one’s absence particularly acute. “Talking about things and anticipating things and planning is really important,” says Keegan. “You can look at some traditions like carving the turkey or making the plum pudding and decide who to honour by handing on that tradition. Because it is an honour and traditions are important, and they are traditions because they are passed on.”
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Give yourself permission
If you are bereaved, you may not feel like doing much, and that’s okay. Planning how to respond to invitations can be helpful. “I might get invitations to things and I know I won’t be up for them, but I could give myself permission to opt in for a little bit, to go for an hour or so,” says Keegan. “Other people can be a really good support at Christmas. Isolating yourself isn’t always the best thing. With company comes chats and memories and sharing stories about people who have died. But you don’t have to stay the whole day.”
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It’s good to talk
If you are meeting someone who has been bereaved, don’t avoid their loss. “When you are bereaved, you want to hold on to the memories, you want a person’s presence to be remembered and honoured. Always err on the side of talking about them rather than not,” says Keegan. “You could say, ‘Seamus would have loved this’.
“Reach in to people who have been bereaved, and if you have been bereaved yourself, reach out, because it’s a hard and isolating time.”
Start new traditions
If your loss is recent, this will be a different Christmas. Pause and acknowledge that, perhaps think about creating new rituals. “This might be visiting a grave, lighting a candle, doing a charity walk or hanging a memorial decoration. It’s a way of carrying forward the person who has died and keeping that connection,” says Keegan.
Grief is individual
Christmas is great, but there can be tensions. Alcohol won’t help and it can bring you down. Remind yourself that grief is very individual, says Keegan. “Every member of a family can be grieving in their own way – just as sadness is part of grief, so is irritability, or anger or avoidance, so be patient and tolerant of each other.”
