Last week I went to a funeral and sidestepped a Confirmation. The funeral was in the UK but still very Irish and very Catholic. The only time I’ve been inside a church in the past few years has been for funerals. This most recent one was beautiful. The deceased had died suddenly and young. The priest made accommodations for those not taking communion and the gorgeous eulogy made everyone feel like they had known the dearly departed their whole lives.
The Confirmation was for one of my godchildren. Almost 13 years ago, when I was asked to fulfil the duty at the christening I wasn’t far enough along in my severance from the church and its rituals to say no. Plus it was a privilege to be asked to be part of the life of this much-wanted baby. I couldn’t bring myself to be involved in the Confirmation service though. I’m a long-time supporter of removing religious instruction from schools and a firm believer in discontinuing the indoctrination of children. To actively partake in a ceremony would be hypocritical. And so I opted out.
[ €600 Communion money: Is it just a bribe to get people to keep the faith?Opens in new window ]
It’s a tricky subject though, isn’t it? With Confirmation and Communion seasons approaching, how appropriate is it for close family and friends to decide not to attend? I think compelling people to attend church services is a big ask, particularly if they’re firmly ideologically opposed. There will be many who say that you should just suck it up for the sake of the child, but this attitude perpetuates the problem. There continue to exist families who do not practise religion at all but go along with the sacraments because it’s what all the friends are doing, or the child wants the new outfit or the big party.
What about weddings? It gets murkier here. If two consenting adults have decided to have their ceremony in a church, the expectation is that their guests should attend to witness and support their decision. I’ve attended many church weddings, again before my relationship with the church had such defined boundaries. All of these weddings were beautiful, but some were also tinged with homophobic views and outdated sermons, no doubt damaging and hurtful to some members of the congregation. Perhaps it’s easy for me to say this now that most of my friends are married and the weddings have largely dried up, but I think I would run the risk of appearing rude and choose not to attend a church wedding at this point in my life.
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Is it discourteous to skip a ceremony on ideological grounds but then sit down for the beef or salmon? I guess I would have to raise that with the couple. A marriage is a decision made solely by two people, and I shouldn’t have to shelve my beliefs for a day to honour that decision.
I was able to strip away the scandal, bigotry and controversy and appreciate the allure of faith
Funerals are where I am willing to do some belief parking. I know the comfort that religion can bring people who are nearing the end of their lives. The rituals and solemnity of a funeral Mass may help the mourners greatly in accepting their loss. The deceased probably had expressed wishes to have a church ceremony. During last week’s service in the UK I listened intently to the priest’s words and for the first time was able to make connections between the church’s teachings about life and death and resurrection, and my own jumbled thoughts around spirituality and our place in the universe and the Earth’s ecosystem. Fifteen years of Catholic school education and decades of weddings, christenings, Communions and Confirmations had failed to impart any sense of the point of religion to me but listening to the ageing man in Coventry, I was able to strip away the scandal, bigotry and controversy and appreciate the allure of faith.
Is it hypocritical of me to say I’ll go to funerals but not a Catholic wedding or a Confirmation or christening? Probably. But the distinctions are clear enough in my mind that I’m comfortable with the hypocrisy. I did attend a celebration for my godchild a few days after the church ceremony – which incidentally took place during school hours and made me wonder what the opted-out children were doing that day and the following “day off”. I also gave a card with the customary few bob, except instead of banknotes I included a slip of paper notifying them of a transfer to their Revolut account. You see, these days I avoid using cash almost as much as I avoid churches.
