DÁIL SKETCH / Miriam Lord: It can only be a matter of time before the Greens check into Rehab. Universal popularity can be a curse - when everyone wants a piece of the action and people who wouldn't look twice at you before you hit the big time are fighting to be your friend.
Look at poor Britney Spears. Let's not even think about Anna Nicole-Smith.
We feared for John Gormley in the Dáil yesterday. But at least he managed to turn up for Leaders' Questions. The rest of his party was missing. The Greens are usually very good about fielding a full team.
Maybe Trevor and company are beginning to feel the pressure that comes from being the most desirable dates in town. All the other parties are mad to woo them in advance of the election.
Deputy Gormley sat alone, pretending to mind his own business. Enda Kenny and Pat Rabbitte didn't bother him. They had other fish to fry.
Still, it seemed John's nerves were getting the better of him, because he got up and left when Pat started talking.
Socialist Joe Higgins was up next, and if he didn't talk about fat cat property speculators, he would probably work up a head of steam about Aer Lingus workers. John returned, looking much more relaxed, by the time it was Joe's turn to speak.
As usual, Deputy Higgins was spitting fire. The subject? Deputy Gormley sat bolt upright in his seat when he heard the words. "Greenhouse gas emissions."
"Almost six times higher than the European average," fulminated Joe, getting into his stride, sounding like Patricia McKenna on speed. Airlines were among the worst offenders, he railed. Think of the damage to the environment! Deputies on all sides started casting sympathetic glances at John. Bertie looked up and flashed an understanding smile across the floor.
Coquettish, some might have called it. The Taoiseach stressed how committed his Government is to reducing carbon emissions. But the problems of increased prosperity and economic growth cannot be easily solved. Then he stole another little smile in John's direction.
"Aaah, c'mon," protested the lone Green.
The Opposition shot derisory snorts at Bertie, hoping they might win John's approval. Sinn Féin's Aengus Ó Snodaigh, leafing through documents with the detached air of a man who doesn't have to advertise his green credentials, joined the chorus. "On yer bike!" he roared.
You could see John was wilting under the advances. Mercifully, and not a moment too soon, reinforcement arrived in the shape of Green deputy Dan Boyle, who bustled in and sat beside his colleague.
By this stage, Joe Higgins was thundering about electricity stations burning up valuable peat resources, before addressing the very serious threat that faces "ecosystems and humanity itself". Bertie got stuck into emission targets again, as John and Dan shook their heads sadly. More money in buses and trains, he reminded them, before going for the big finish. "The Finns, who are on the top of the list in all these issues, are using peat." If he was a peacock, Bertie's tail would have looked magnificent.
John and Dan gave a few disdainful sniffs. It's all talk about tomorrow, they sneered, rebuffing his advances.
But Bertie doesn't mind the knock-back. Because after the election, the Greens may have to choose a suitor. He's just building up the dowry now.
God help them. The deflowering of the Greens will not be pretty.