It most often happens with the first child. He reaches 12 or 13 years of age and parents are asking themselves, "What happened to the lovely, bubbly, good-humoured delight we had living with us six months ago? The only response to any questions we ask now is a grunt."
Many parents are convinced that there is something wrong with the child. But you can rest assured that the diagnosis in most cases is one word: adolescence.
The teenage years are the period of our lives during which most change comes about. It is a time of rapid changes in the body, the emotions, attitudes, values, intellect, freedom, responsibility. The onset of puberty can herald these significant changes; some people have described the peak period of adolescence as like a "two-year mental illness". And in among all these changes, they get spots as well! For parents experiencing this for the first time, it can be very stressful. Many parents dread the teenage years. However, with some understanding of what is going on for the child and some reassurance about how to cope with the changes, it does not have to be a trial.
One of the greatest ironies about the phenomenon called adolescence is the tremendous efforts teenagers make to be different. And yet, as a group, they are the most identifiable and homogeneous subsection of the population one could observe. They all wear the same fashion items no matter how hideous. Whether it is trousers with the crotch down to their knees, football shirts from a club which changes its strip as often as the weather, outrageously expensive basketball shoes which never come close to a basketball court or all-black clothes, teenagers stick out a mile in any crowd - not because they are so "different", but because they are all the same. Teenagers today are under more severe pressure to conform than any previous generation. The sophisticated and cynical marketing machine of the corporate giants which can create a need where none exists is no match for the vulnerable teenager and his parents. The MTV generation has packaged rebelliousness, and you can pay for it with your Visa card.
There is tremendous pressure on them to try drugs, alcohol, smoking and sex before they are either emotionally or physically ready. Even the magazines which are produced specifically for teenagers have set the standards on sexuality, for which it appears there is no limit. Teenagers are being pushed into experiences for which they are simply not ready; perhaps it is no wonder they retreat into the security of conforming with the crowd. This is where the corporate vultures prey, charging exorbitant prices for the shoddiest of goods.
So what can a parent do? The most important aspect of assisting a teenager is to communicate. Nothing should be off the agenda. Parents need to encourage frank and open discussions about masturbation and "wet dreams", peer pressure to have sex, venereal diseases, contraception, pregnancy and dating. If you find it difficult to address these topics, you must learn to get comfortable doing so. There are numerous books available to assist you in this task. Remember: if you are not discussing sensitive issues with your teenager, then his or her values will be formed by the schoolyard, irresponsible magazine producers and television.
Parents are sometimes unsure what standards they should set. Probably the greatest teen anthem of all is "Everyone else is allowed to . . ."
DO NOT COMPROMISE your own principles. Your teenager should be given access to what you deem appropriate. If you work at making sure that your child has sufficient confidence not to need to capitulate to peer pressure, these bartering sessions between parent and teenager can be productive. You do not have to be a trendy parent. Underage drinking and smoking, apart from the detrimental impact on health, has legal implications; you do not have to agree to it simply to placate an abusive teenager. Similarly, make it clear where you stand on sexuality, drugs, household chores, school commitments, attitudes to other members of the family - anything which has potential for conflict. I would urge tolerance in areas which do not have major bearing on your teenager's well-being. For example, fashion trends are part of the teenager's rite of passage and, no matter how silly you regard them, the teenager feels more secure with them. Where they become expensive (which they inevitably do), the teenager can be given the opportunity to earn money. An untidy room is not a major barrier to your teenager's success. If the room is shared, some level of order will be required, but privacy is something which all teenagers need to be afforded. Accommodate this need as far as possible.
If pre-teens or teenagers are purposefully engaged in a sport, hobby or organisation such as the scouts or guides, they are more likely to be able to cope with the pressure of these years. They learn about social skills, gain confidence, build teamwork, learn to cope appropriately with success and failure, and reap the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. Get them involved at an early age, no matter what activity they eventually settle into.
One of the hardest aspects for parents is the lack of reciprocated affection; the peer group seems to take on a more important role. Even though your affection may not be reciprocated, provide it anyway. Avoid unnecessary criticism of a person whose self-image is at the peak of its formative process. Finally, a word of reassurance: teenagers do come back as they mature and should eventually acknowledge and appreciate the tremendous efforts you have made on their behalf.
Dr Mark Harrold is a clinical psychologist.
