Punishment never works. Even though we have moved towards a great realisation of democracy as a way of life, many of the old punishment strategies persist in the parenting and educating of children.

However, since democracy implies equality, parents and teachers can no longer assume the role of the "authority".

What is often forgotten is that most adults were dominated by people in authority - priests, doctors, teachers and bosses. We lived in an autocratic social system in which those in authority reserved to themselves the privilege of meting out rewards or punishment according to merit.

Traditionally, authority equalled dominance, but its true meaning is "authorship of self".

In a democracy, equality, co-operation and respect need to be substituted for dominance, force and over-powering.

Whether adults accept it or not, children know they have gained an equal social status with adults and that adults no longer enjoy a superior position. Adult power over them is gone and children know it.

Adults need to realise the futility of attempting to impose their will upon children.

Rarely does any amount of physical hurting (now illegal) or emotional hurting of children bring about lasting submission. When it does, adults doom children to a life of passivity, fear, timidity and powerlessness or one of counter-dominance, aggression and rebelliousness.

Thankfully, many of today's children are willing to take any amount of physical or emotional punishment in order to assert their rights.

Confused and bewildered parents and teachers who have not been trained in democratic ways of rearing and teaching children hope that punishment will eventually bring about results.

They blind themselves to the fact that they are actually getting nowhere with their autocratic methods.

Temporary obedience may be gained but the costs - lowering of children's self-esteem, estranged relationship between adult and child, guilt feelings on the part of the adult who meted out the punishment and missed opportunity to help the child learn self-control - far outweigh the gains.

In spite of being spanked, humiliated and deprived of privileges, seven-year-old Mark continued to soil and to wet his bed. His mother and father could not understand. They were at the end of their tether.

"Oh, Mark! What are we going to do with you?" Both parents had very successful professional careers and employed a full-time childminder for Mark. They arrived home late in the evenings and needed to leave early in the mornings to get to their places of work.

As mother said to me: "We just don't have the time to be dealing with these problems - what can you do about it?"

It seemed to me that the child's soiling and bed-wetting was saying: "I feel you don't give a shit about me"; "I'm totally pissed off"; "At least you know I'm around when I'm bad."

Understanding the hidden intention of children's (and, indeed, adults') troubled behaviours is essential to finding a lasting solution.

I encouraged the parents to find quality time to be with their child so that he did not have to use "attention- seeking" ways to get them to love him.

It is also important to see that there is wisdom in the child punishing his parents with his difficult behaviour - he hopes they may feel the punishing effects of the loss of love he is experiencing.

When it comes to a "battle" between parents and children, children are far more resilient and tenacious than adults. They can outplot, outmanoeuvre and outlast their parents and teachers.

Many adults who have charge of children come to the end of their endurance, shake their heads and cry out in desperation: "I don't know what to do anymore!" They have forgotten that children learn their punishing methods from adults.

An effective leader inspires and stimulates others into actions that suit the situation. So it needs to be with parents: children need their guidance. They will accept it when they see that they are accepted as equal human beings with equal rights to decide what they will do. Respect for self and the child is central to meeting children's requests. And all of this can be done without overpowering, for overpowering incites rebellion and is counter-productive to the aim of child-rearing - respect for self and others and self-control.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of A Different Kind of Discipline