`Mary Banotti's office?" "No, the Irish Times helpline." "Damn it, I've wasted the morning dialing your number." Frustration is part of helplines, as is the joy of getting through. Take a bow Irish mums - your patience is superb.
Our helpline is dominated by mums. Where are the students? Off in summer jobs in places as far afield as Gran Canaria, Long Island and the Zuider Zee. On their own? No, with the class of '98. Not for them the tedium of calculating points or wondering about offers.
So, mothers must ask the questions about the CAO system in which their sons or daughters were well drilled before leaving school.
What happens if he gets his first offer but would prefer his second choice? If he gets a better offer in Round 2 can he accept it? Will points go up this year?
Yes, mothers know all about points. John McAvoy, manager of CAO, always preaches that last year's points are history. Sorry, John - mothers don't believe you. I know this will cause you no end of worry.
"Is this the helpline?", inquires a hesitant voice. "Yes, we're here to help." "I need all the help I can get." In a very low voice Granny unfolds a story of being entrusted with a change-of-mind form which was to be posted by July 1st. Granny has just opened her bag to discover the letter, to her horror. It's the week of the Tall Ships in Dublin. "Is there anything I can do," pleads Granny.
"Make friends with those lovely Argentinean sailors and ask them to take you on board for the second part of their voyage." We share a laugh. Granny is consoled with the fact that with six Ds her grandson wouldn't benefit from a change of mind anyway.
"Has the Minister got psychology in his degree?" "We don't know - why?" "He didn't show much understanding of psychology when he was responsible for banner headlines about poor results in science subjects just when my daughter needed a good result in biology to be sure of her UCAS offer. I had to hide the morning papers from her.
Mothers notice everything. "Is it true that a student could be downgraded if they ask for a re-check?" "Yes, students must understand that they take that risk." "Well, Holy God (obviously a Glenroe fan), what will they think of next?"
"My son has got his first offer - what are his chances of getting his second offer, asks another mother. "None" "Well, then, what do you think of this ingenious idea: he is goig to have his maths and physics rechecked in the hope that he wil be downgraded therefore getting his second choice."
"Irish Times Helpline - good morning." Very hushed tones . . . "The lazy lump is up in bed - never did a tap all year - only four subjects passed. What am I going to do with him?" All the alternatives are discussed, but the image of a snoring offspring doesn't give much hope for any action.
